Malcolm: Oh, my God!
Reese: What is it?
Malcolm: Francis is coming home.
Dewey: Really?
Reese: You're kidding!
Malcolm: No, this is his itinerary. He gets in tomorrow.
Reese: I hope this doesn't ruin Mom's plan.
Malcolm: This is Mom's plan!

Dewey: This is so unfair! Dad has tonnes of birthdays, but there's only one Demolition Derby. We never get to do anything good!

Lois: [on the phone] I postdate checks to the power company all the time, why is that suddenly such a big deal? Look, I'm a little short this month because I spend a lot of money to surprise my husband for his birthday. But next month- [Hal poses seductively as he comes out of the bathroom] No, it was a special circumstance. Look, can I speak with your supervisor? No, don't put me on hold. Damn!
Hal: Oops, lemme get those. [bends over suggestively] Oh, there's one.
Lois: Yes, I'm still holding.
Hal: Do you have to stay on the phone?
Lois: Hal, would you please give me a minute, they're threatening to cut off the power.
Hal: It's a 24-hour number, you can call them back.
Lois: No, I can't!
Hal: Yes, you can!

Francis: Well, come on, Mom, you could at least try and be happy for me!
Lois: I'm sorry, Francis, this is a hell of a thing to dump in my lap on your father's birthday!
Francis: Yeah, it's all about you, Mom. Excuse me for thinking my family would be excited to meet my wife! I can't believe you guys!
Malcolm: Come on, Francis, it's not their fault. What d'you expect?
Reese: You could have at least called ahead of time.
Lois: Boys, go to your room!
Reese: What? What do you mean, we're on your side!
Lois: I said go!

Hal: Hey, everybody calm down.
Francis: We are calm! It's Mom's who's flipping out!
Lois: Oh, Francis, I haven't even started to flip out!
Francis: Why can't you be happy?!
Lois: We're supposed to be happy? You behave like this, after all we've done for you?!
Francis: I'm confused! Are we talking about the years of psychological abuse or sending me to military school?!

Piama: He's trying to explain it to you, if you'd listen to him for once!
Lois: Why are you talking? Why are you talking?!
Hal: Can we just stop this?! Let's get in the car and go for a drive to cool off. We can still have a nice birthday party.
Lois: Oh, we are long past having a nice party! As usual, Francis has taken something that should've been sweet and ruined it!
Francis: Don't pin this on me, I am completely willing to have a party right now!
Lois: Oh, you want to have a party? Happy damn birthday! Hey, why don't we all have some cake? [scoops portions of cake with hands]
Malcolm: We don't want to be a part of this family any more, so we're leaving!
Francis: Oh, great, Mom, here we go with the dramatics!

Lois: Who else wants cake?!
Francis: Thank you.
Lois: You're welcome. Who wants some delicious damn cake?
Francis: Can Piama have a rose?
Lois: Why not? There's plenty to go around!
Dewey: I'm the one who broke the ice maker last year!
Lois: Why do you have to ruin everything?!
Francis: Well, I learned from the best, Mom!

Lois: They should be home with the boys soon. How's your tea?
Piama: Fine, thank you.
Lois: Sugar?
Piama: No, thanks.
Lois: That's a pretty bracelet.
Piama: Thank you.
Lois: What kinda stone is that?
Piama: Turquoise. Francis got it for me.
Lois: Oh. How was your flight?
Piama: We took the bus.
Lois: That's right. I guess that's what Francis did with the money I sent for his plane fare.
Piama: Plus the bracelet.
Lois: [chuckles] Let's talk about something else.

Hal: Good news! The boys stole my credit card!
Francis: All we have to do is call the credit card company and-
[Hal and Francis notice Lois and Piama standing, staring at each other]
Hal: Honey, why don't we...?
Francis: Here, let me show you my tree house.

Malcolm: [to camera] So Dad's birthday wasn't that bad after all. He got a new back shaver, we got to eat cake cut by a knife and Mom has promised not to yell at us any more.