Dewey: And then the monster started growling, so I threw rocks at him and killed him. And then he started flying around on rocket boots, and I got to ride inside his head, and now the monster's my friend, and we went to get Slurpees.
Reese: You did not. You're just lying.
Hal: Reese, if that's what Dewey says happened, there's no reason to argue about it.
Reese: No one believes I beat the last level of Mortal Kombat.
Hal: Because that's just ridiculous. No one beats Sub-Zero.

Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, I've been up for half an hour. I've had my cereal. It's time for Mom to ask the same annoying question she asks me every morning.
Lois: So, Malcolm, what are you doing in your genius class today?
Malcolm: Nothing. It's just as dumb and boring as being in regular class, except now I get ostracized.
Lois: Ostracized? Oh, you're learning such big words.

Lois: Oh, sweetie, not again.
Dewey: The monster! It tried to suck my brain out!
Lois: [to Reese and Malcolm] All right, I have had it. You two are banned from Nintendo.
Malcolm: Okay.
Reese: We're already banned from Nintendo.
Malcolm: [to camera] The sad thing is he thinks he just outsmarted her.

Malcolm: Can I have some?
Stevie: Can't. It's a... prescription... sandwich.
Malcolm: "Prescription sandwich"? Stevie, that's not even a good lie. If you don't want to share, just say so.
Stevie: Don't want... to share. Let's play... Ironside. I'll be Ironside.
Malcolm: I don't want to play stupid Ironside.

Malcolm: It's my brother Francis. He escaped from military school and hitchhiked all the way here. He's all scraped up and smelly and hungry and dirty, and now he's hiding out at the creek. If my parents catch him, he's dead. He's talking like he's crazy. I don't know what to do.
Stevie: Squeal.
Malcolm: What?
Stevie: Squeal. Rat him out.
Malcolm: I can't do that. He's my brother. I promised him. I can't tell anybody.
Stevie: You told... me.
Malcolm: Yeah, but by the time you tell anyone he'll be a thousand miles from here.
Stevie: Tou...che.

[As Dewey hears Francis's screams coming from the woods, he bends down and starts picking up rocks to throw]
Dewey: Get out of here! You stupid, dumb monster! This is my house!
Francis: Ow!
Dewey: Go away! Leave me alone!
Francis: Ow!

[As the boys sleep, Lois yanks open the curtains]
Lois: Everybody up! [boys scream] Let's go! Let's go! I got to do laundry before work! I am taking breakfast off the table in five minutes!
Malcolm: [to camera] I know this kid... his mom wakes him up with a kiss on the forehead.

Hal: Hey. They want to know what I think about caller ID blocking. Do I think about that?

Dewey: [wakes up screaming]
Reese: [groans]
Malcolm: [to camera] Every night for the past two weeks. He thinks there's a monster under the bed. It seemed so funny when we thought of it.

Lois: All right, fine. Pillows.
Reese: What?
Lois: That's right. I'm taking your pillows. Come on, come on, hand 'em over. And I'm not getting up again. [to Dewey] If that monster wants to suck out your brain, you just let him take it and you go back to sleep.