Hal: Honey, this chicken is absolutely delicious.
Lois: Oh, well, it's a little recipe I came up with. It's Shake 'n' Bake... but for pork.
Hal: How about that? That's one for the recipe box. Let's call it, uh, "chork." All in favor? [Hal, Reese and Dewey raise their hands] No one for "picken"? Chork it is. Brava.
Lois: Oh, cut it out. You big talker.

Dewey: Will this make me taste better to the monsters?
Hal: [distracted] Sure it will, son.

Hal: Boys, boys, stop it. You're going get your mother out of You're going to ruin her nice day.
Lois: [on the phone] Francis did what?!
Hal: [to himself] Another night in the chat room.

Lois: That kid! He thinks he can run away from school like some kind of escaped convict? If he thinks he can just vanish in the night and I won't find him, well, he is sadly mistaken.
Hal: Lois, you just calm down. There's nothing we can do right now.
Lois: Yes, there is. I can call the police.
Hal: No, they're not going to look for anybody unless they've been missing 48 hours.
Lois: Not if I say he has drugs on him.
Hal: Lois, stop it. Now, you're just going to have to accept the fact that, for now, this is beyond your control. Francis is going to have to sink or swim on his own, and frankly, I don't think that's such a bad thing. In the meantime, we just have to leave it up to fate.
Lois: [scoffs] Fate. Fate is just what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.

Malcolm: Mom, I'm sure he's okay. [Lois looks at Malcolm] [to camera] Uh-oh, tactical error.
Hal: Why do you think he's okay, son?
Malcolm: Because... he's always okay.
Hal: Malcolm, this is a very serious situation here and I know you love Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea-
Lois: Oh, for God's sake! Where is he?!
Malcolm: He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. [to camera] Oh, my God, how'd she do that?
Lois: I knew it. When did you talk to him?
Malcolm: [to himself] Don't look at her eyes. [Lois turns Malcolm's head] This morning. And... And Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.
Lois: Malcolm, where is he?
Malcolm: [whispers to himself] Got to think. Diversion. Delancey Park. He's meeting her at Delancey Park by the soccer field.
Lois: Well... we'll just see what fate has in store for Francis.

Dewey: What are you doing?
Malcolm: Nothing. Mind your own business.
Dewey: Who were you talking to?
Malcolm: I wasn't talking to anybody. You're imagining it. Mind your own business.
Dewey: I heard you talking.
Malcolm: Okay, I'll tell you. But you have to keep it a secret. [Dewey nods] You know the monster under your bed? It's called a Sasquatch. He hunts back there during the day. I was throwing him some raw meat so he wouldn't come get us tonight. I don't think I gave him enough. So, if I were you, I'd keep very quiet and stay the hell out of there. Get it?

Malcolm: Wait. I'm sorry I ratted you out. I just got scared.
Francis: Dude, it's ancient history. Don't worry about it.
Malcolm: Well, can't you at least hit me or something, just so I feel like we're even?
Francis: You want me to hit you?
Malcolm: I don't know. Yeah.
Francis: Okay. [gently taps Malcolm with his knuckle]
Malcolm: [chuckles] Thanks.
Francis: Psych. [punches Malcolm's shoulder]
Malcolm: Ow!
Francis: Now we're even.

Francis: How'd you find me?
Hal: Malcolm told me. You know, you should probably rethink the whole "trusting him with secrets" thing.
Francis: How mad is Mom?
Hal: Well, let's just try to get a couple states behind us before we ask her. So, how'd it go with Beebee?
Francis: We broke up.
Hal: Does it hurt?
Francis: Oh, yeah.
Hal: Well, son... You know, I wish I could say it gets easier, but I honestly don't know. I've never been dumped.

Hal: [gasps as he looks at phone bill] Oh!
Lois: What?
Hal: Nothing. Just a sharp Cheerio. Oh.
Lois: [grabs bill] Hah! $210! Look at all the calls that Francis is charging to us. 60 minutes. Oh, 80 minutes. And every one of these calls is to Beebee. $210 on Beebee!
Hal: I know. Now, honey, just try to understand. He's off in Alabama. He's all by himself at military school. He's lonely, so he calls his little girlfriend.
Lois: She's a tramp.
Hal: No one's saying she's not a tramp.

Lois: Didn't you change our code number?
Hal: Three times. I don't know how he's getting it.
[flashback:]
Malcolm: [on the phone] 65549. That'll be good till the bill comes on the 15th.
Francis: Thanks, man. You are a good brother.
[present:]
Malcolm: [to camera] I was taking money out of her wallet anyway.