Lois: He is doing this just to upset me.
Hal: Oh, come on, Lois. He's 16 and thinks he's in love. What are you going to do?
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, man, never ask her that.

Francis: [on the phone] Beebee, you can't imagine how much I miss you. It is like a white-hot fire burning in my chest. The only thing that keeps me going is just the thought of holding you and stroking your hair and being with you in a perfect, golden moment.
Beebee: Oh, yeah. I'm totally the same way.
Francis: Oh, I'm just so- Are you watching Buffy?
Beebee: I can do both.

Francis: [v.o.] Dearest Beebee, something wonderful has happened. The pain and confusion of the last few months has disappeared, replaced by a single glorious purpose. From the ashes of the old Francis rises a new man filled with boldness and determination. I fly to you on angel's wings, knowing I follow the mandate of my heart.

Malcolm: Hello?
Francis: [covers Malcolm's mouth] Don't scream. It's me.
Malcolm: [elbows Francis] Francis!
Francis: Way to go, dipwad. You got me in the nards.

Malcolm: Francis, what are you doing here?
Francis: I'm taking control of my own destiny. I'm just here to pick up Beebee and we're going to head off for Canada.
Malcolm: You're going to visit Grandma?
Francis: No, a different part of Canada. Someplace wild where people don't have to destroy love just 'cause they don't understand it.
Malcolm: You just ran away from school? Mom's really going to kill you now.
Francis: No, she won't because she won't know. Malcolm, you can't tell anybody. I'm placing my life in your hands here.
Malcolm: Did you roll around in something?
Francis: You'll get used to it. Look, I need you to get Beebee to come see me tonight, okay? Give her this. Let it air out for a while first. Try to get me some food, 'cause I haven't eaten in, like, 36 hours.
Malcolm: Francis, this sounds kind of drastic, even for you.
Francis: Malcolm, I do not have time for doubt! The die has been cast, my future is set.

Malcolm: [to camera] The worst part is, I think I'm stealing panty liners.

Lois: Gosh, I had such a good day at work today. I got to work the cash-only line for the first time in a month, and my register came out to the penny. Plus, that creepy new assistant manager sliced his hand open with a box cutter. Spent the whole afternoon in the emergency room.
Hal: Here's to him.

Malcolm: Francis, I have to tell you-
Francis: Is Beebee coming?
Malcolm: Yeah. But I have to tell you something first. I ratted you out to Mom.
Francis: What?!
Malcolm: I didn't mean to. Mom did... her eyes and her voice, it was... I didn't mean to.

Lois: You. You there. What do you think you're doing?
Young Man: Excuse me?
Lois: Do you know how dumb and careless you're being?
Young Man: Well, I brought-
Lois: I'm not talking about that. But shame on you. Don't you know how this is all going to end?
Young Woman: Do we know you?
Lois: No, but I know you. You're young and pretty. You love to get 16-year-old boys so twisted up they don't know what they're doing. You think it's all in fun. You don't care how bad you hurt him. Let me tell you something, young lady. Hearts are precious things. You should be careful with them. [to another couple] You! You there! What do you think you're doing?

Francis: So, Beebee broke up with me.
Malcolm: Oh. You okay?
Francis: I think I'm fine. There's a strange sense of peace that comes over you when you give up that last shred of dignity. It's nice.
Malcolm: I'm really sorry.
Francis: Well, if you're going to love women, you have to expect the occasional flaming wipeout. It's in the fine print, but you agree to it when you sign up.
Malcolm: So what are you going to do?
Francis: I'm going to go back to school. I only missed a day, so it shouldn't be too bad. There's a pack of farm girls that hang around outside the fence. Probably check that out. Later days.