Hal: I'm glad that we decided not to, uh...
Lois: Absolutely. Every other aspect of our lives is getting so much attention. Our lives are so much better.
Hal: Do you think that's how really successful people just...?
Lois: Can't think of any other explanation.
Hal: No. So Bill Gates?
Lois: Probably never. I started an herb garden in the backyard today. Did you know we had a potting shed?
Hal: You're kidding. Oh, we are definitely doing the right thing.
[Lois and Hal roll over and see each other]
Hal: I'll go sleep in the car.
Lois: Park it a couple blocks away.

Hal: Now that I've finished the carpet, we can insulate the attic. I'm telling you, honey, the value of this house is going to triple. We can retire early.
[Lois is laying in bed in a nightie with a rose in her hand]
Hal: Lois, what have you planned?
Lois: Nothing.
Hal: Lois, we made an agreement.
Lois: Mm-hmm.
Hal: Okay, okay. You know, two have to play at this game, and I'm not playing. I am just not playing! So you think that's going to work? Well, I've got news for you, girlie girl. [starts to remove clothes] I am made of sterner stuff. I happen to like my new life, and I am not about to descend to your animal level.
Lois: Tool belt on. [Hal whimpers]

Weatherman: [on TV] Bad news, folks. Looks like the downpour is going to continue through the weekend. Up to two inches of rainfall...
Hal: It's not raining. [sighs]
Weatherman: Don't forget those umbrellas and galoshes-
[Hal gets up and removes a tape from the VCR]
Newswoman: [on TV] ...and the three unidentified boys fled the scene on foot as hundreds of helpless spectators could only look on in horror.

Malcolm: [to camera] It's amazing all the different kinds of kids you meet when you're tutoring after school. In the last six weeks alone, I've met morons, idiots, lunkheads, jackasses and one imbecile. My mom's making me do a job where I use my brain. I'll tell you one thing. When I have kids... [rings doorbell] they're really going to suffer. Stupid job.
I spend my free time trying to teach... [to the girl who opened the door] You're Nicki?
Nicki: Hi.
Malcolm: [to camera] This doesn't make her right.

Malcolm: [to camera] Things are going great with Nicki. We've gone to the planetarium, miniature golf, the movies... It's amazing how uncrowded stuff is during school hours.

Dewey: I don't want to do this.
Reese: If you don't do it, I'm going to tell Mom about you taking all that money. And you're going to get a "me" punishment. Now get to work!
[later, a man emerges from his house to find Dewey stood on top of his convertible filled with cement:]
Man: What are you doing?!
[Reese is stood on the corner wearing a baseball cap, sunglasses, a fake mustache and pretending to smoke a pipe:]
Reese: Yeah, you better run, Billy Prescott! All the way to 1515 Cypress Street, a block west of Halifax.

Reese: Man, filling up that guy's car with cement was a stroke of genius. With Billy Prescott as our fall guy, We can do anything. Now, I've updated my enemies list. Dewey? Dewey, I'm talking to you.
[When the boy at the desk turns around, it's Billy Prescott. Dewey emerges from the closet, along with an older boy:]
Dewey: Have you heard enough?
Older Boy: Oh, yeah.
Reese: Okay, now I know what you're thinking. But the thing that you don't realize is that... that I'm not the real Reese. I just look like me... him. But if- if you hurt us... I-I mean him... Oh, just go ahead.

Hal: Oh, no. I'm late.
Lois: Oh, me, too.
Hal: Wait, there was something I was supposed to do at work today.
Lois: Come home for lunch?
Hal: That's it. [they kiss] Got to go.
Lois: Bye.
Hal: Bye.