Lois: You're just working yourself up to get your own way. You always do that, Hal.
Hal: What should I do when I know that you looked me in the face...
[fantasy:]
Hal: [sings] And... you lied?
Lois: [sings] Don't be hysterical. You always get hysterical.
Hal: It's called having feelings. You should know. You're an expert at faking them! At least mine are real!
Lois: Hal, don't make a thing out of this!
Hal: What should a man do, when he knows that he'll never be happy again? Sing a song?
Lois: Just get a grip, Hal, don't overreact.
Hal: Overreact? I feel horrible, I feel lousy! I'm having a stroke, seriously, Lois. It feels just like one.
Men: [sing] We think it's one, too! We're sure it's one, too!
Lois: It's a panic attack, Like that time in the laundromat, Breathe into a pillow!
Women: [sing] Good idea.
Men: A pillow?! How cruel! How callous! Poor Hal!
Women: This stroke is the worst case of emotional blackmail, she's ever seen!
Lois: And... I've seen plenty!
Men: Call 911!
Hal: Tell them a blood vessel just burst in my brain, Just halfway between my neck and my nose. That's only if you care! If not, feel free To sit by while I die, and watch Leno!
Women: Blackmail!
Men: Stroke!
Women: Blackmail!
Men: Stroke!
Women: What a big baby!
Men: What a giant stroke!

Stevie: You wanted... to see me.
Malcolm: Stevie, brace yourself. I'm going to tell you a really big secret about something so huge that every bone in your body is going to want to tell, but you have to promise not to. This is an actual street luge. Like from your magazine.
Stevie: Heaven... forfend.
Malcolm: I need you to help me with some calculations of wheel friction and frame stiffness to get this thing perfect. I have to beat this rich jerk who keeps making me wipe out. I'm going to make a bet with him, and race him.
Stevie: You think... you can beat... this glorious... alpha male?
Reese: It's going to happen. 'Cause I'm going to hide in the bushes and jump out at him and force him to crash.
Malcolm: It may not be the most honest thing in the world, but you know what, who cares? This guys totally deserves it.
Stevie: I'd hate... to be him.

Zoe: [sings] Are you coming back to bed, or should I just order a crib for you?
Hansen: [sings] I'm not coming back. I don't like to be where I'm not wanted. Especially if it's on a big giant bed!
Zoe: You've been on the couch for four days.
Hansen: I can hold on as long as you can.
Zoe: I have nothing to apologize for!
Hansen: Why would you? I bet they were the best four days of your life.
Dewey: No! No! No! You're both holding back too much. Glacienda, you sacrificed your future for a family that's not even grateful. You've got all this anger bubbling up that's ready to explode! And Don Argento, you have nothing in the world but that woman. You hate your job, you don't have friends and now you're losing her!
Chad: Dewey. When it says "Jamie wets his diaper," should I really wet myself?
Dewey: No.
Chad: But on show night?
Dewey: If the second act drags.
Hansen: Dewey, the problem is that these characters are just treading water. I mean, it's been four days and we've done four scenes with him on the couch.
Dewey: You're right. They're just stuck.
Chad: What if Don Argento solves his romantic problems with a machete in a tragic, yet comedic, big bloody mess?

Malcolm: Street-luging! Look at those pictures!
Reese: "Police call it the most reckless, dangerous teen craze in years." It says they look back with fondness on the crack epidemic.
Malcolm: We could totally build a board like that! [both turn to Stevie]
Reese: Except we wouldn't. Because our parents wouldn't allow it. So, since we're not doing it, no one has to say anything.
Malcolm: Yes, this sport seems immature, and frankly, I just think it's uncool. Hey, Stevie, look, Pentominos. Why were we bored?

Malcolm: Hey! Hey, you! Jerk! You totally made me crash! Just because you can blow a lot of money on some high-end luge doesn't mean you're not a jerk! You're just a rich jerk. Jerk!
[As Malcolm walks away, the luger lifts up his helmet visor to reveal it's Stevie]

Malcolm: I'm not stopping till I take that guy down.
Reese: How much skin is left on your chest?
Malcolm: Enough.

Lois: Hal, get in this bed and go to sleep!
Hal: Oh, I'll sleep, Lois. I'll sleep where I'm wanted!

Malcolm: Okay. 80 bucks. Street rules. Which means no rules. And don't let yourself think about what might happen, because you don't want to get psyched out. And don't think about getting psyched out because you might get psyched out. People who get psyched out make mistakes.
Stevie: Good... advice.
Malcolm: What?!

Stevie: You still... owe me... 80 bucks.
Malcolm: Take it out of my pocket.

Dewey: Ladies and gentlemen. We now present a story of shame, humiliation and the deep personal secrets, that lurk within The Marriage Bed.
Hal: Wow, everyone we know is here.
Lois: I hope Dewey doesn't embarrass himself.