Dewey: I'm here to snitch. Reese and Malcolm are in the garage. They won't let me in, but they're building something. If you want help in the penalty phase, let me know.
Hal: Dewey, I am not going to go in there and have a big fight with the boys because you've got nothing to do. We have a rule in this family about what we do when we're bored. [hands Dewey the TV remote]

Lois: There's a reason I bought a bed that was bigger. I did want some distance from you, but it's not because I don't love you and I don't want to be close to you.
Hal: I don't understand.
Lois: There are certain things that have to happen with my body at the end of the day. Certain events that have to... transpire. And if they don't transpire, I end up with stomach cramps, and I don't want it to happen two inches away from your nose.
Hal: That's your secret?
Lois: I know it's stupid and embarrassing and I want to be sexy for you, but after 20 years, I just have to have a break from clamping down and gritting my teeth all night.
Hal: Oh, honey, I don't care about that. And it's not a secret. The second you fall asleep you let loose like a sailor.
Lois: What?
Hal: Oh, yeah, it's like when they put the balloons away after the Thanksgiving parade.
Lois: Oh, my God. I can't hear anything. You're tunneling out.

Hal: Honey, honey, relax. Honey, we're married. It doesn't matter how embarrassing something is. Because no one knows it... but me.
[fantasy:]
Hal: [sings] Lois... Don't be embarrassed. I know Everything about you. I know when you, think you're alone. You have to check, if your ears have grown. Every day, before you go to work. You know how I panic, When I see a monkey. I've seen you take pizza, From the garbage and eat it! I know all of you, You know all of me. But it's only us, my love! No one else knows. No one else. No one else. No one... Else.
[reality:]
Lois: I'll return the bed.
Hal: Honey, you've fallen asleep for a week in that bed. They're not gonna take it back.

Lois: [on the phone] Yes, I want to return a mattress I bought last week in accord with your 30-day return policy. Okay, I'll speak with the king.
Dewey: You're returning the bed? That's it? In what world is that an ending?
Lois: Your father and I were arguing. It's just not worth it.
Dewey: That doesn't seem like a very satisfying resolution.
Lois: Well, sometimes marriage is about getting by. You're not always satisfied with everything.
Dewey: Wow. I can't believe Dad was so right. He said if he made a big enough stink, he'd get his way. Well, it's a good lesson for me, though. Thanks, Mom. [Lois hangs up]

Malcolm: This is so boring.
Reese: It's your fault for inviting Stevie over. He can't do anything, so we can't do anything, and it's always boring and lame.
Malcolm: Reese, he's not deaf.
Stevie: I have... [uses inhaler]... my fun. [reads X-Treme, a sports magazine]
Reese: This is exactly what I'm talking about. This would be fun if I were looking at it. When you read it, it's not fun; it's sad. Now I'm bored and sad. Thanks a lot, Stevie!
Malcolm: Reese!
Reese: No, it's horrible. I think it sucks that he always gets his face rubbed in the fact that he will never get to enjoy anything. Maybe he'd be happier if they stuck you in some kind of special... tank.

Hal: So, you just bought a new bed, just like that.
Lois: Hal, we had that smelly, saggy old one for 20 years. It's time for a new one.
Hal: This one is certainly bigger.
Lois: Yeah. It's king-sized. They're a little bigger.
Hal: So you'll be further away.
Lois: I guess. Maybe a couple inches.
Hal: So, is that the reason? You want there to be more distance between us?
Lois: Hal, I didn't really think about the size. It was on sale at Mattress King.
Hal: I guess you couldn't pass up a deal like that, huh? It's just interesting to learn how it starts.
Lois: How what starts?
Hal: Well, first you buy the king-size bed, the largest bed made. But then of course, at some point, even the giant bed doesn't put enough distance between you and the hideous monster. So you start sleeping in another room. Then soon, we're barely exchanging pleasantries, and then one day you say, "Hal, let's just say what we're both thinking." And then, I end up eating alone on a Formica table under a swinging lightbulb while you are on a beach in Ibiza being rubbed with cocoa butter by your new lover who you can never get too close to!
Lois: Hal, it's a bed! The old one was horrible. This one is nice. Look, I know this is a big change for you. So I'm just going to have to think of some way to make you very, very happy in this bed.
Hal: Good luck!

Malcolm: I don't care if they are your skateboard wheels. We're not putting a "No Fat Chicks" sticker on it.
Reese: All right, but it's still our policy.

Reese: What're you crying about?
Dewey: I was just sitting there and this... this opera came on. People screaming and hating. It was our family, but with music! And they all mixed together in a counterpoint that underscored the futility of their lives! And the stretto showed the minor key had been hiding in the subdominant from the very first bar.
Reese: All I understood was, "Hit me, Reese. Hit me and never stop hitting me."
Malcolm: Yeah, well, that was the gist of it.

Mr. Flerch: The animals in the farm include, but are not limited to, the cow, the horse, the pig, the chicken, the sheep.
Hansen: Dewey, the algebra homework you gave us, did you want us to show our work?
Dewey: Huh? I dunno. Just a sec.
Mr. Flerch: ...the alpaca...
Chad: You okay? You want to wrap your hands in tinfoil?
Dewey: I have nothing! I want to write an opera. I know I can do it. I have all the music. I can hear it in my head. I just don't have a story to hang it on. It has to be something so dramatic it's like a knife in the heart.
Mr. Flerch: ...the peccary, the hog bear...
Dewey: That's the trouble with being a kid. I want a dog. I don't have a dog. But ultimately, so what?
Mr. Flerch: The sounds produced by said animals are, respectively: moo, neigh, oink, cluck, gobble, silent.

Hal: Oh, what a blind fool I've been! To think, when you said you didn't buy this bed to get away from me, I believed you!
Lois: Oh, Hal, calm down! It's just that when you sleep you're so hot, you radiate heat. You're like a giant radiator! And when I sleep, I need to flop my arms around and I can't do that if you're on top of me!
Hal: How long have you found me hideous?
Lois: For God's sakes, this is why I have to lie to you all the time!
Hal: Did you ever love me? Who are you? [Jamie fusses]
Lois: Fair warning, Hal. If you wake that baby up, he is yours for the night!
Hal: A sale at Mattress King?! Oh, you must have laughed at me for swallowing that one! They don't know the meaning of the word "sale" over there. Their everyday prices are guaranteed rock-bottom!