TV Quotes

Reese: This isn't fair.
Malcolm: Yes, it is. It's absolutely fair.
Dewey: I'm getting hungry.
Malcolm: We're doing it my way.
Dewey: They're getting cold.
Malcolm: Do you want 'em divided up fairly or not?
Reese: You have more than me.
Malcolm: No, I don't. We all have 29 inches of fries so far. I have two four-inchers, five three-inchers and three two-inchers. You have five five-inchers and a four-incher. They're exactly the same. [Dewey puts a fry in his mouth] Dewey. Okay, we're going to assume this was a four-incher from the share pile. 117 minus 3 times 29 divided by 3 minus... We each take a two-inch bite out of this one. [to camera] Last week we had curly fries. It took us three hours.

Stevie: In your... face.

Hal: Boys, they're called Gut-Busters. They take a sausage, stuff it with cheese, wrap it with bacon and shove it in that deep-fat fryer full of lard. They're indescribable. Bon appetit.

Stevie: Good... game.
Malcolm: [panting] This... sucks.
Stevie: You... mocking me?
Malcolm: No... tired.
Stevie: Get... skates.
Malcolm: Can't. Dad.

Malcolm: My dad was some kind of skating champion a long time ago. He made a rule: no one in the family could buy skates until after they take lessons from him.
Stevie: So take... the lessons.
Malcolm: You don't get it. My dad's like a total fanatic about skating. He doesn't even call it skating. He calls it "the brotherhood of the wheel." He taught Francis and Reese and they've never been the same after.

Reese: Gretzky shoots! He scores! He laughs at the other Canadians!
Malcolm: Hey, Reese, remember when Dad taught you how to skate?
Reese: I don't want to talk about it. [runs away]

Hal: You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back. Just try to relax. Got the baby monitor all set up here. Now, if you need anything, just holler - but not too loud - and I will get on it. [puts blanket over Lois's legs]
Lois: [shrieks] Oh, God.
Hal: Sorry.
Lois: Oh, God.
Hal: Lois, why don't you just take the pain medicine the doctor gave you?
Lois: Because they make me loopy. I will not have this house come crashing down around me because I'm hopped up on goofballs.
Reese: Mom, I'm really sorry. Are you okay?
Lois: Oh, Reese, come to Mama. [Reese leans in] Closer, sweetheart. [Lois grabs Reese by the collar] Are you happy you crippled your mother?
Reese: Mom.
Lois: Are you?!

Malcolm: [on the phone] Hello, Francis. I have a problem. I need your advice.
Francis: Trust me, pal, whatever you're going through is not half as bad as what I'm facing.
Malcolm: I'm thinking of asking Dad for skating lessons.
Francis: [inhales sharply]
Malcolm: Why does everyone do that? What does he do?
Francis: Look, if I told you, you'd just freak out. But if you think you're ready, my advice is to get it over with quickly. It's like pulling a giant Band-Aid off your crotch.
Malcolm: I'm going to have a Band-Aid on my crotch?

Lois: [on the phone] Where was I? Francis? W-Where?
Francis: Your back.
Lois: Oh, yeah. So they say that my fourth and fifth vertebrae are out of alignment. Apparently my shoulder muscles are asymmetrical. I mean, did you ever hear of such a thing? They say it's genetic. It's the first case of scream-induced back trauma they've ever seen. I swear, they paraded every Tom, Dick and Harry through that room to look at me. And me, I'm just lying there with that little flimsy paper thing on me with my rear end flapping in the breeze for all the world to see.

Francis: [screams]
Stanley: What is it?
Francis: My back. I can't move. It happens sometimes. It's genetic. My shoulder muscles are asymmetrical and it pulls my vertebrae out of alignment. I'll be fine. I just need to ice it.
Stanley: Which vertebrae?
Francis: Fourth and fifth.
Stanley: All right. Take him to his room.