Hal: It's so good to have you back.
Lois: Oh. You coming home for lunch?
Hal: Mm, and coffee break.
[Dewey flaps a piece of paper near Reese's ear]
Reese: [screams] No, no! [runs off]
Hal: Okay, one more week, then that joke's off limits.

Malcolm: [to camera] Usually I spend every minute I'm at Lucky Aide cursing Mom for making me work here, but lately it hasn't seemed so bad. [looks at Wendy] I'm not sure why.
Wendy: Malcolm, you were right. I put a greasy bag in the fridge, and Craig put his name on it.
Malcolm: Yeah, the only way to protect anything is to put it in a nonfat yogurt carton.
Wendy: That's brilliant.
Malcolm: Wait. You got something.
Wendy: Thanks.
Malcolm: [to camera] She didn't have anything.

Wendy: So, hey, it turns out I don't have to go with my parents to Yosemite over spring break.
Malcolm: So I guess you'll be in town then, huh?
Wendy: Looks like it.
Malcolm: You know, me, too. Maybe we can-
Lois: [enters] Malcolm, your break doesn't start for another two minutes. Wendy, your break is over now.
Malcolm: [to camera] This is why orphans get all the hot girls.

Lois: Oh, God. I've got graveyard shift for the next two weeks? I didn't know I had any joy left in my life to be sucked out. I guess you're going to have to take the bus to work, Malcolm. You're going to be on your own.
Malcolm: Great. Figures. [to camera] If I can bite through my tongue till my teeth meet, maybe Mom won't see me smile.

Malcolm: What are you so happy about?
Dewey: Nothing. I've just never had the whole bed to myself before.
Malcolm: You stay off my side of the bed! I don't care if I'm not there.
Dewey: Okay.
Malcolm: And stop smiling!
Dewey: Okay.

Krijak: You didn't do too bad today, kid. Till that possum got up your pant leg, you were way ahead.
Reese: So he didn't have rabies, did he?
Krijak: No. No, no, no, no. He checked out fine. Say, uh, you going to be able to sit up soon 'cause we're almost at your house.
Reese: These fumes are kind of strong. Can I get one of those paper masks next time?
Krijak: Do I look like I'm made of money?

Krijak: You got a different kind of a job tomorrow.
Reese: What's this?
Krijak: That's a thousand caterpillars. Tomorrow morning, get up before dawn, I want you to go around the neighborhood, sprinkle those on the rose bushes, flower beds, front lawns... And then I want you to take my business card and drop it in the mailbox, you understand?
Reese: Why do you sound very far away?
Krijak: Don't go to sleep for a while.

Wendy: It sucks you have to work the night shift. Now you're going to miss the party. Debbie's parents are out of town.
Malcolm: [to camera] Probably won't miss much. It's just the same boring people doing the same boring stuff.
Wendy: Whoa, I gotta run. Skinny-dipping starts at midnight.

Malcolm: What are doing in there?
Norm: Shopping.
Malcolm: You're not shopping. You're the guy from the videotape. You're living here?
Norm: Malcolm, please. Your mom's going to hear us.
Malcolm: How do you know my name? How do you know my mom?
Norm: I've been here for a while. And you were right about moving the tortilla chips to the salsa aisle. The sales are up at least 15%.
Malcolm: I knew it.

Malcolm: [to camera] Yesterday, I passed Wendy at the time clock and casually mentioned how I liked the smell of bookstores. She was so charmed, I didn't even care how stupid that is.