Reese: [chuckles] Tracy really should have invited us. This is what you get for being rude.
Malcolm: Okay, we'll hide these in the closet tonight, then we'll cover up the hole and by the time Mom's home, we'll be in bed sleeping like babies.
Lois: Boys! Fireworks? Fireworks? [falls over the fence] Omph!
Reese: How did she?
Malcolm: I don't know!
Lois: You boys are in so much trouble! I can't leave you alone for a second! I guess next time I go out, I'll have to chain you to the floor! We tell you to behave and you don't even pretend to listen! [chopper overhead] You might as well cut off your ears and throw them in trash for all you use them. You are grounded for the next month! [Lois is illuminated]
Police Officer: [o.s.] Get down on the ground with your hands behind your head.
[Lois puts her hands behind her head and kneels down]
Lois: While you're being punished, I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff because you won't be doing any of it! You are gonna suffer!

Francis: [on the phone] Hey, it's Francis. How's Alaska?
Eric: Francis, where are you? You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.
Francis: I know, but no-one will pick me up, I ran out of money and had to work tarring the roofs for a week. Apparently, there's a serial killer loose in Idaho who looks just like me.
Eric: You better get here soon. I don't know how much longer they'll hold the job.
Francis: I'm almost there! Listen, do I take the provincial highway 99 or the 27 to provincial highway 12?
Eric: What?! Where are you?
Francis: I'm close to British Columbia. I'm in Bellingham, Washington.
Eric: Francis, you're still 2,000 miles away!
Francis: What?! No way! I've got to be near to Alaska. I've just exchanged all my money for Alaskan dollars!
Eric: There's no such thing as Alaskan dollars!
Francis: Sir? [runs off]

Lois: Okay, I left the phone number on the counter. The dishes are soaking in the sink. I took the batteries from the remote and hid them in the smoke alarm. Just for tonight!

Hal: We'll be fine! [inner monologue] I don't want to screw this up. Lois needs time to herself. She deserves a night out. She'll have fun and will come home happy. I just have to keep the boys under control. What am I talking about? They're good kids. What am I talking about, "What am I talking about"? They're monsters! They'll destroy everything and then ruin Lois's night! Then she'll feel like we can't be trusted on our own! She'll never want a night out again and it will all be my fault!
Malcolm: We're going out back.
Hal: [out loud] You're not going anywhere! You're gonna stay in your room all night with the door shut! Now go! Go!

Hal: You haven't made a sound in half an hour. What's going on in here?
Malcolm: Nothing.
Hal: I expect perfect behavior out of you boys tonight. Trust me, if you try anything - anything at all! - I will be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick! [exits] [inner monologue] Okay, this is good. You sent them a message. Fired the shot across their bow. Now they know who's in charge! [out loud to himself] Maybe I was too harsh. If the boys push back they might do something ten times worse and spoil everything for Lois! [inner monologue] Don't go soft! All these boys understand is the iron fist! [out loud] No, I need to get them on my side!

Lois: Malcolm, how was school today?
Malcolm: History class was cool.
Lois: Really? Tell us about it.
Malcolm: Jimmy Perkins kicked the crap out of Fred Nason right outside our window.
Reese: Jimmy beat up Fred Nason? That guy's huge!
Malcolm: I know. I couldn't believe it. Fred knocked Jimmy's hat off and Jimmy punched him in the face, like, five times in a row in a second! Fred fell in the bush and he just started hitting and hitting him. It was way cool!
Dewey: Jimmy Perkins is crazy.
Hal: It's like I always told you boys, crazy beats big every time.
[Lois farts as she bends down to pick something up, prompting Hal and the boys to laugh. After Lois stands up and looks at them, the boys stop laughing and scatter.]
Hal: .... So, how was your day, dear?

Malcolm: [belches] Could you pass the peas, please? [all laugh] [belches] Thank you. [all laugh]
Reese: [belches] You're welcome. [all laugh]
Malcolm: Hal?
Hal: [belches] Alright, boys. That's enough. [all laugh]
[As Dewey reaches for a bread roll, Reese makes a farting noise with his mouth; all laugh]
Lois: Do you think for once could we have a civilized conversation during dinner free of sound effects?
Hal: You're mother's right. I don't think it's asking too much for us to have some nice dinner conversation.

Lois: I need you to watch the boys next Tuesday night. I've joined a book club.
Hal: Oh, Lois, you don't wanna do that. I joined a record club once. They hounded me for years.
Lois: It's not that kind of a club, Hal. This is women from school. Adults discussing books.
Hal: Oh.
Lois: I live in a house filled with boys. I listen to boy talk and boy noises. I need to spend some time with females.
Hal: Mmm-hmm.
Lois: Whenever I see them at the PA meetings, they always invite me to do things with them and I never go.
Hal: Yeah?
Lois: I need to do this for my sanity.
Hal: Yeah. [chuckles] [removes lint from belly button] Yes! Yes.
Lois: Are you even listening to me?
Hal: Of course I am. Here's what I think. This book club is a great idea, Lois. It's about time you did something like this. You have a brilliant and beautiful mind that needs challenging. I hope those women can keep up with you. Make a wish. [Lois blows the lint away]

Lois: So, I come home after working a ten-hour shift and I see my boys and they're covered with grass and they're covered with paint and then they look at me. And you know all they can say is, "Where's dinner?" [all murmur in agreement]
Karen: Too much is expected of us.
Julie: Well, our society is just so screwed up. Thirty years ago, you could at least pick something and go with it. A housewife, a career woman, sex slave. But now you're supposed to do everything and it's impossible!
Woman #3: Unless you're Lillian Miller.
All: Yeah!
Lois: You know, if it weren't for me my family would be naked living in trees, eating berries. I mean, do they appreciate what I do for them? No!
Karen: Lillian's family just surprised her with a trip to Spain!
Lois: No kidding! You know the other day, I discovered a two-inch-long hair growing out of my shoulder. I mean, how long has it been there? I don't even have time to put myself together in the morning.
Karen: Lillian Miller... [chuckles]... brought 20 home-made cakes to the school-bake sale.
Lois: I had those! They were delicious!
Julie: The woman just cooks like a god but she never puts on a pound! You can't be 45 and still be a size 2! That's children's sizes. That's for children!
Woman #2: And Lillian!
Lois: Ladies, I just realized something. Society isn't the thing that's making us miserable. I mean, hell, we're society! [all cheer in agreement] No, no! Every single one of our problems can be traced back to that tight-assed overachieving marathon-running master chef... Lillian Miller!

Francis: [sings out the window] Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parlez-vous Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parlez-vous She got the palm and the croix de guerre For washing soldiers' underwear Inky dinky, parlez-vous
Roy: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Francis: What?
Roy: It's hinky dinky parlez-vous.
Francis: That's what I said, Roy.
Roy: No, you said inky dinky. You've got to start over.
Francis: I'm not starting over. It's freezing out there. I can barely feel my lips any more. [Roy starts to pull the truck over] [sings] Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parlez-vous Parlez...