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Season 3, Episode 2 -  Aired November 14, 2001

Malcolm and his Krelboyne classmates meet their new teacher, Mr. Lionel Herkabe. Meanwhile, Lois refuses to speak to the newly-emancipated Francis when he comes home from military school before heading to Alaska.

Quote from Spangler

Spangler: Leaving so soon, cadet?
Francis: Sir, by statute 614 of the Alabama Legal Code, I am officially emancipated and considered an adult. An adult who no longer chooses to attend Marlin Academy. I have copies of the documents if you want to see them again.
Spangler: Oh, no need! I'm sure everything was done on the up and up. But let me tell you something, cadet. In all my years at this academy, I have never had a student who was more bull headed, more committed to avoid learning at all costs. A cadet whose constant byword was insubordination. Thank you, cadet. [hugs Francis]
Francis: What?
Spangler: Before you came to this academy I was bored, uninspired... [holds up hook] and this close to retiring. But your insolence and stupidity have been the irritating grain of sand around which has formed the pearl of my renaissance. I like me again. Cadet! As a thanks, I want you to have this. [holds a sword] Normally, these are reserved for cadets who have distinguished themselves or whose parents have donated a building, but you've left your mark here in your own way. So, what the heck!
Francis: Wow! [takes sword out of sheath] Sir, this is great.
Spangler: Farewell, cadet.
Francis: Thank you so much.
Spangler: Careful that's razor-
[cut to Spangler writing on a type-writer with his new right-hand hook]


Quote from Mr. Herkabe

Mr. Herkabe: Who's Dabney?
Dabney: Me, sir. I took the liberty of ordering you a decaf soy latte.
Mr. Herkabe: Let me guess. Emotionally needy. Closet bed-wetter. You get no affection at home so you'll be seeking it from me. Look elsewhere, son. Who's the anal-retentive outsider [many hands go up]... with repressed matricidal tendencies?
Kevin: That one's from me, sir. Please, stop.
Mr. Herkabe: As you may or may not know I was once one of you, a Krelboyne. And I'm sure I would have made the same lame attempt to ingratiate myself to the new soft-headed thick-wit teaching my class. Oh, yes, I've been there. I've been coddled and preened. "Oh, you're a genius." "You can do anything you set your mind to. It must be so easy being you." Well, bull! [all gasp] All that gets you is an ex-wife and 14 million dollars in debt. Now, I refuse to let you fall into the trap society has set for you. Playtime is over, children! You've had a free ride so far. It's about time somebody motivated you, challenged you, tested your mental limits! Granted, I don't have a teaching certificate from a two-year community college like most of the people I was forced to say hello to this morning in the teachers lounge, but I'm just going to muddle through with my double doctorate from Harvard.
Lloyd: This is a test!
Mr. Herkabe: Correct. You have 20 minutes.
Dabney: There are six essay questions.
Mr. Herkabe: I'm sorry, I thought this was the gifted class. Begin!

Quote from Francis

Lois: Francis. I'm listening.
Francis: This is what you get! This is what you get for the way you treated me! I'm going to Alaska and you're going to be left without a son! And the horrible way you treated me is now a matter of public record!
Lois: I treated you?! We made sacrifice after sacrifice for you and you've caused us nothing but pain!
Francis: You want pain? I've got your scars, baby! Three and half years in that horrible school-
Lois: We went without for that school!
Francis: Oh! Oh! Maybe I should thank you? Thank you, mother, for making my life hell!
Lois: Living hell? You've been nothing but a problem since the day you were born!
Francis: I'm outta here!

Quote from Mr. Herkabe

Mr. Herkabe: Well, I have your test results. You all got A's. But, since this is the gifted class, I also factored in the
cogency of argument, economy of language and penmanship, which enabled me to do this.
Malcolm: What is that?
Mr. Herkabe: A ranking board.
Malcolm: But I thought you said we all got A's.
Mr. Herkabe: Oh, you did. But some of you got better A's than others.
Lloyd: But we all still have A's?
Mr. Herkabe: Of course.
Malcolm: So, er, what does being number one get you?
Mr. Herkabe: Nothing! Just the knowledge that you are number one. Or that you are not number one. Yes, number five?
Dabney: It's Dabney, sir.
Mr. Herkabe: I know. What is it, number five?
Dabney: I forgot.

Quote from Mr. Herkabe

Kevin: Certainly the whale represents the search for God. But that could be limiting. We could say it was the search for the self. Melville could be considered a pre-existentialist.
[Mr. Herkabe moves Kevin from fourth places to third, overtaking Lloyd]
Lloyd: But you can't deny the whale could be the search for truth which has been a theme throughout his whole oeuvre.
[Herkabe swaps them back]
Dabney: But you can't overlook the fact that it is a whale, which was the biggest industry in the 19th century. The oil was used in lamps, soaps and even cosmetics.
[As Herkabe starts moving Dabney's name down the list, Dabney's voice gets more high-pitched]
Dabney: Today... whaling is outlawed but many Aleutian islanders are legally allowed to harvest whales for... ritual purposes. But I digress! [sobs]
Mr. Herkabe: Wow! Nine places. That's gotta be a record. OK, on to new business. This Friday Principal Littledove will be dropping by for an evaluation. I think he'll be very impressed with what he sees. I don't think he'll understand it, but I think his tiny brain will have the dim perception of the progress you can make when students are properly motivated. [Dabney sobs] Now, who would like to sink their teeth into some Bernoulli equations? [all except Malcolm raise their hands]

Quote from Lloyd

Lloyd: I've completed the research on our new teacher if anyone's interested. Lionel Herkabe. Born July 8th, 1963. Parents, John and Ida. Notice anything?
Stevie: He was... a Krelboyne.
Kevin: We won't have to talk down to him.
Dabney: Finally, someone who knows our pain.
Malcolm: Bentley. Gifted High. Princeton. Harvard Business. What's this guy doing teaching?
Lloyd: Well, there was some unpleasantness. He quit a government think tank to start a [all groan]
Malcolm: One time net worth 200 million. Now 137 dollars.

Quote from Hal

Hal: All I'm saying is you can get your diploma first and then do what you want. It's all about maximizing your options. Taking the long view. [winces]
Francis: Sorry about the closer.
Hal: Nonsense. I wouldn't have taught you if I didn't want you to use it. Listen, what do I always say?
Francis: The nards are fair game.
Hal: The nards are fair game!

Quote from Francis

Francis: Oh, thanks. It's freezing. It's good to see you guys. I've really missed you. [Reese punches Francis in the stomach] Ow! What's that for?!
Reese: Emancipation.
Malcolm: What, you're divorcing the family now?
Dewey: How could you do this to mom?
Francis: She left me no choice. [flicks Reese]
Reese: Ow!
Malcolm: We've done a lot of bad things to mom but we would never abandon her.
Francis: I'm not abandoning her! I'm just going to Alaska!
Malcolm: That's 5,000 miles away!
Francis: It is not... 5,000 miles? Are you serious? Oh, my God! It's gonna take me forever to get up there!
Dewey: Then, don't go.
Francis: Guys, I'm not doing this to hurt anybody, I just... I really think this is my best chance to make something of myself.
Reese: Tell it to mom.
Francis: I can't. She won't talk to me. She's being so immature. In the meantime, I'm stuck outside in the freezing cold. Hey, would it be alright if I slept in here tonight? [Dewey throws a pillow on the floor]

Quote from Mr. Herkabe

Mr. Herkabe: [to Malcolm] Interesting gambit but I guess the lemmings didn't follow you off the cliff. When you spend some time in the real world, you realize you can't fight the system. And now... I'm the system.

Quote from Dewey

Francis: I love you guys. I'll write you when I get there, OK?
Dewey: Someday, when you come back and you're unemployed and have no place to live, you can come stay at my castle.
Francis: Thanks, buddy.

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