Lois: This is all your fault, Hal. You're the one who bought him that acne medicine.
Hal: I thought we were safe. I mean, he's still goofy-looking. His head is, like, five times too big for his body.
Lois: We shouldn't have to worry about this with Malcolm. He's gifted. He's in genius classes. Girls aren't supposed to be interested in him until he's 28 and a billionaire!
Hal: Certain things are beyond the boy's control, Lois. It's his genetics. Girls, they just swoon. Sorry, what am I telling your for? You battle with it every day. There's nothing we can do.

Reese: That was pathetic!
Malcolm: You were watching us?
Reese: Believe me, it's the last time! You know, just because you have a girl doesn't mean you should act like one.
Malcolm: I don't know what's wrong with her! She's driving me crazy! I freak out 20 times a day!
Reese: Dude, you think about everything too much. You've just got to calm down. Turn off your brain.
Malcolm: It's not that easy.
Reese: Sure it is. I do it all the time. Watch.
Malcolm: You can't just turn off your- [Reese stares blankly ahead] Reese! Reese!
Reese: Whoa! How long was I out?

Lois: Dewey, how was your day?
Dewey: I got a new friend, his name's Ronnie. He just moved here. He's got a Nintendo, a Playstation, and a nanny. He's really rich.
Hal: [to the empty seat] Well, nice to meet you, Ronnie.
Dewey: No, he's real! I can make real friends, too!
Lois: Oh, of course you can, honey. Just don't be frustrated if it takes you a little bit longer than the other boys.
Dewey: Ronnie is real!

Malcolm: She's not... We're just friends.
Lois: Malcolm, look at me! Oh, my God, it's true! Malcolm, no! You do not do this yet!
Reese: I saw them behind the 7-Eleven French kissing. That's with tongue, Mom.
Lois: Don't you wanna go to college? Don't you care about your future? Malcolm, you are not mature enough to prioritize between homework and some tramp!
Hal: Your mother's right, son. I waited until I was eleven before I kissed my... Wait, how old are you? Never mind. What I'm saying is, it was a different time back then. There was a war on.

Malcolm: [to camera] Just once I'd like to learn a lesson without something exploding.

Lois: Sit. Look at yourself. They've put you on probation. Probation! If you do just one more thing wrong they're gonna kick you outta school. Do you have any idea how serious this is? Is this who you wanna be? You wanna be some little lap dog who ruins his life for some girl? For God's sake, Malcolm, you beat up a foreign exchange student! Poor little [indiscernible name] left his country to get away from this kind of abuse! Are you even listening to me?
Malcolm: Yes, I'm listening! But I've got bigger problems! You may not have noticed, but I've been screwing up a lot lately. All because of some stupid girl! I'm on probation! I beat up a kid who doesn't even speak English! I'm going through a lot and you don't even care!

Malcolm: You would not!
Reese: I would, too!
Malcolm: No clothes, go across the street and ring Mrs. Conlan's door bell.
Reese: Yeah, I would do it but you don't have ten bucks.
Malcolm: Dewey.
Dewey: [holds note] Ah-ah! No underwear, no clothes at all.
Reese: Of course. [picks up a frying pan set]
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Reese: You said no clothes. I'll be right back, losers.
[Reese runs out of the house naked, with the frying pan set covering his parts]
Dewey: Never thought he'd do it.
Malcolm: I guess he outsmarted us. You opened her gate, right?
Dewey: Of course. [dog barks]
Reese: [o.s.] Good dog. Good dog. Go away. [crashing] Somebody help! Argh!

Malcolm: Remember yesterday when we were sitting and we got a drink of water? Then we sat around again. We should totally do that again.
Sara: OK.
Malcolm: [to camera] Look at me, it's official. I have a girlfriend! I'm officially someone's boyfriend. Watch this. [kisses Sara] I can do that any time I want! I hate this part. This is where we have to split up so my family won't see us. [kisses Sara] I'll miss you. You're a really good kisser.
Sara: Thanks. Bye.
Malcolm: [to camera] "Thanks"? What does that mean? What's wrong with the way I kiss? Are my lips too wet? Maybe they're too dry. I don't see why she couldn't just return the compliment! My God! I'm the worst boyfriend ever! OK, just calm down. I'm a good boyfriend. She wouldn't be my girlfriend if I wasn't. I have a girlfriend!

Hal: At first I had no idea what was going on. And then I realized I was looking at a 4-25 requisition form. Shelby had filled it out thinking it was a 4-28. This isn't interesting, is it? No, it is. You just need to know what a 4-25 form is. You see, there's a subtle difference between...

[Reese laughs as he stabs his knife upwards through his shirt]
Lois: Reese! What are you doing?!
Reese: Malcolm's got a girlfriend!
Lois: What?
Hal: Son, is this true?
Reese: Damn! I was saving that for report card day!