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‘Malcolm's Girlfriend’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

Malcolm in the Middle: Malcolm's Girlfriend

304. Malcolm's Girlfriend

Aired November 28, 2001

Malcolm gets his first girlfriend. Francis is jailed for a few days in a small Alaskan town. Meanwhile, Dewey helps his new friend's mother, Mrs. Demarco (Christine Rose), organize the perfect birthday party... for Dewey.

Quote from Hal

Lois: This is all your fault, Hal. You're the one who bought him that acne medicine.
Hal: I thought we were safe. I mean, he's still goofy-looking. His head is, like, five times too big for his body.
Lois: We shouldn't have to worry about this with Malcolm. He's gifted. He's in genius classes. Girls aren't supposed to be interested in him until he's 28 and a billionaire!
Hal: Certain things are beyond the boy's control, Lois. It's his genetics. Girls, they just swoon. Sorry, what am I telling your for? You battle with it every day. There's nothing we can do.

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Quote from Reese

Reese: That was pathetic!
Malcolm: You were watching us?
Reese: Believe me, it's the last time! You know, just because you have a girl doesn't mean you should act like one.
Malcolm: I don't know what's wrong with her! She's driving me crazy! I freak out 20 times a day!
Reese: Dude, you think about everything too much. You've just got to calm down. Turn off your brain.
Malcolm: It's not that easy.
Reese: Sure it is. I do it all the time. Watch.
Malcolm: You can't just turn off your- [Reese stares blankly ahead] Reese! Reese!
Reese: Whoa! How long was I out?

Quote from Dewey

Lois: Dewey, how was your day?
Dewey: I got a new friend, his name's Ronnie. He just moved here. He's got a Nintendo, a Playstation, and a nanny. He's really rich.
Hal: [to the empty seat] Well, nice to meet you, Ronnie.
Dewey: No, he's real! I can make real friends, too!
Lois: Oh, of course you can, honey. Just don't be frustrated if it takes you a little bit longer than the other boys.
Dewey: Ronnie is real!

Quote from Hal

Malcolm: She's not... We're just friends.
Lois: Malcolm, look at me! Oh, my God, it's true! Malcolm, no! You do not do this yet!
Reese: I saw them behind the 7-Eleven French kissing. That's with tongue, Mom.
Lois: Don't you wanna go to college? Don't you care about your future? Malcolm, you are not mature enough to prioritize between homework and some tramp!
Hal: Your mother's right, son. I waited until I was eleven before I kissed my... Wait, how old are you? Never mind. What I'm saying is, it was a different time back then. There was a war on.

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: [to camera] Just once I'd like to learn a lesson without something exploding.

Quote from Reese

Malcolm: You would not!
Reese: I would, too!
Malcolm: No clothes, go across the street and ring Mrs. Conlan's door bell.
Reese: Yeah, I would do it but you don't have ten bucks.
Malcolm: Dewey.
Dewey: [holds note] Ah-ah! No underwear, no clothes at all.
Reese: Of course. [picks up a frying pan set]
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Reese: You said no clothes. I'll be right back, losers.
[Reese runs out of the house naked, with the frying pan set covering his parts]
Dewey: Never thought he'd do it.
Malcolm: I guess he outsmarted us. You opened her gate, right?
Dewey: Of course. [dog barks]
Reese: [o.s.] Good dog. Good dog. Go away. [crashing] Somebody help! Argh!

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: So, the universe... can be... finite. And unmounted. But if... Are you... listening?
Malcolm: Oh, my God! Sara Coleman is so beautiful! The way she runs her hand through her hair. And that smile. You look at her and you can't even see anyone else.
Stevie: Evey day... you do this. Ask her... out.
Malcolm: Come on, Stevie! Sara would never go out with me! She's smart, cool, good-looking. If we went out it would make me happy, so therefore it will never happen. I am destined to be the most miserable person on Earth.
Stevie: Boo... [uses inhaler] ...hoo.

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: Remember yesterday when we were sitting and we got a drink of water? Then we sat around again. We should totally do that again.
Sara: OK.
Malcolm: [to camera] Look at me, it's official. I have a girlfriend! I'm officially someone's boyfriend. Watch this. [kisses Sara] I can do that any time I want! I hate this part. This is where we have to split up so my family won't see us. [kisses Sara] I'll miss you. You're a really good kisser.
Sara: Thanks. Bye.
Malcolm: [to camera] "Thanks"? What does that mean? What's wrong with the way I kiss? Are my lips too wet? Maybe they're too dry. I don't see why she couldn't just return the compliment! My God! I'm the worst boyfriend ever! OK, just calm down. I'm a good boyfriend. She wouldn't be my girlfriend if I wasn't. I have a girlfriend!

Quote from Hal

Hal: At first I had no idea what was going on. And then I realized I was looking at a 4-25 requisition form. Shelby had filled it out thinking it was a 4-28. This isn't interesting, is it? No, it is. You just need to know what a 4-25 form is. You see, there's a subtle difference between...

Quote from Reese

[Reese laughs as he stabs his knife upwards through his shirt]
Lois: Reese! What are you doing?!
Reese: Malcolm's got a girlfriend!
Lois: What?
Hal: Son, is this true?
Reese: Damn! I was saving that for report card day!

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