Hal: I have Kobe beef.
Reese: No way.
Hal: Yes!
Reese: That's like $60 an ounce.
Hal: I know. I won it in a Minesweeper tournament at work. Years of practicing eight hours a day has finally paid off.

Reese: Wow. I've never even seen Kobe beef. It's like meeting the Pope, but you get to eat him.
Hal: Exactly. But this is treated much better than any pope was or ever will be. It lives on beer and ice cream. And right up until the moment of slaughter, its rump and thighs are massaged by geishas.
Reese: It should be eating us!

Lois: Francis, if it isn't right in the bedroom, it isn't going to be right anywhere else.
Francis: What?
Lois: When I say "the bedroom," I mean sex.
Francis: Yeah, I got it.
Lois: Francis, marriage isn't mental. It isn't even really about feelings. When you get right down to it, it's a sloppy, sweaty physical act. Now, your father may have flaws, he may not make a lot of money, but he has never been other than a rigorous and challenging lover.
Francis: Mom.
Lois: Can I be frank with you?
Francis: No!
Lois: Do you remember sometimes in the morning I'd forget to put juice in your lunchbox? I was lucky I could remember my own name.
Francis: Uh-huh.
Lois: Because, when your father gets down to work, and is intimate with me, he is like a skilled general invading a country. He doesn't just launch an assault by sea, he uses paratroopers and columns of infantry. And even secret agents. [Francis throws up] Honey, good for you. Get it all out. We can talk more later.

Dewey: Reese says I don't get to pick dinner.
Hal: He's right, you don't. Change of plans. Your mother and I are celebrating our anniversary at home. We're having steaks.
Dewey: No fair! I wiped up rat brains! You promised!
Hal: Dewey, if I kept half the promises I made, this family would plunge into chaos.

Reese: There's only two.
Hal: One for me... one for the chef. You are the only person in this family qualified to cook up these babies. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Reese: Mom doesn't get any on her anniversary?
Hal: You didn't hear me. Once in a lifetime. I've had 22 anniversaries. I'm telling your mother I screwed up the reservations and we're having a steak dinner at home. You cook up these next to the prison-grade crap that I'm giving the rest of the family.

Dewey: Francis, I'm so glad you're here. Dad promised we'd all have cereal for dinner tonight, and now he won't let us.
Francis: Dewey, I understand. And I swear to you by all that is holy that you will be eating cereal tonight. You can count on me.
Dewey: You're not going to do anything, are you?
Francis: No, I'm not. But I'll tell you what I will do. If you let anyone know I'm here, I will punch you so hard in the stomach, you won't be able to eat cereal for two days. There. Problem solved. [slams door]

Malcolm: It'll take them two hours on the highway, an hour to figure out I'm not there and then two hours back. So I'd say I have about five hours left to live. How about we make it worthwhile?

Malcolm: What are we going to do about Mom and Dad?
Reese: I've got it covered.
Malcolm: How?
Reese: Let's just say that since people started getting prescription drugs in the mail, it's opened a whole new world of possibility. Remember when Dad took away my GameBoy and then he fell asleep at work and he thought he was going to be fired? Tuna salad with cumin and allergy medicine.
Malcolm: Reese, do you know how crazy and dangerous that is? Even you wouldn't poison your own family.
Reese: No? Malcolm, last month, when you thought your watch skipped from Wednesday to Friday... it wasn't the watch.

Hal: How are the coals looking?
Reese: Almost ready.
Hal: Oh, okay. Let me know.
Reese: Dad, wait.
Hal: What?
Reese: Where do babies come from?
Hal: Reese, I'm sure we've talked about this.
Reese: Yeah, but I'm blanking. Two guys, right? [phone rings] You know, we can talk about this later. You better get that phone. It sounds like it's for you.

Malcolm: You said if I ever called and said I was drunk I wouldn't get in trouble.
Hal: That only applies if you're actually drunk!