Hal Quote #958
Hal: I have Kobe beef.
Reese: No way.
Reese: That's like $60 an ounce.
Hal: I know. I won it in a Minesweeper tournament at work. Years of practicing eight hours a day has finally paid off.
Quote from Lois
Lois: Francis, if it isn't right in the bedroom, it isn't going to be right anywhere else.
Lois: When I say "the bedroom," I mean sex.
Francis: Yeah, I got it.
Lois: Francis, marriage isn't mental. It isn't even really about feelings. When you get right down to it, it's a sloppy, sweaty physical act. Now, your father may have flaws, he may not make a lot of money, but he has never been other than a rigorous and challenging lover.
Lois: Can I be frank with you?
Lois: Do you remember sometimes in the morning I'd forget to put juice in your lunchbox? I was lucky I could remember my own name.
Lois: Because, when your father gets down to work, and is intimate with me, he is like a skilled general invading a country. He doesn't just launch an assault by sea, he uses paratroopers and columns of infantry. And even secret agents. [Francis throws up] Honey, good for you. Get it all out. We can talk more later.
Quote from Reese
Reese: Wow. I've never even seen Kobe beef. It's like meeting the Pope, but you get to eat him.
Hal: Exactly. But this is treated much better than any pope was or ever will be. It lives on beer and ice cream. And right up until the moment of slaughter, its rump and thighs are massaged by geishas.
Reese: It should be eating us!
Quote from Hal
Dewey: But I'm cooking. Mom and Dad are going out for their anniversary and they're letting me pick dinner.
Reese: I'm not eating cereal for dinner!
Dewey: Yes, you are. Dad said if I emptied out the rat traps in the crawl space, then I get to pick dinner.
Reese: That's funny. He didn't consult me, seeing as I have the fist and you have the face.
Dewey: Reese, says I don't get to pick dinner.
Hal: He's right, you don't. Change of plans. Your mother and I are celebrating our anniversary at home. We're having steaks.
Dewey: No fair! I wiped up rat brains! You promised!
Hal: Dewey, if I kept half the promises I made, this family would plunge into chaos.
Quote from Malcolm Babysits
Hal: Hi, son. Didn't hear you drive up.
Malcolm: I decided to walk.
Hal: So, how's the job going?
Malcolm: They were jerks, so I quit.
Hal: Well, that's pretty much what work is. Welcome to the club.
Quote from Buseys Run Away
Lois: Why are you pacing?
Hal: Let me ask you something, Lois. What would you do if, hypothetically, through a series of unforeseeable circumstances, you found yourself commanding an army of benevolent strongmen?
Hal: Picture it. A dozen guys, any one of them can rip a horse in half, willing to follow your every command. Well, you'd have to do something really great with that. Something noble and unselfish, but not too expensive. And we are not even taking into account that I could easily be led to the dark side. Lois, you have to promise me, if you ever see me holding a cat and laughing maniacally over a globe, you need to let me know.