Lois: So, you're a platoon leader. It's nice the army let women have some authority once in a while.
Abby: Yes, ma'am, although it does feel a little weird to give orders to men.
Lois: Well, it shouldn't. Men are like dogs: it calms them down when they know their boundaries.

Dewey: I sold those comics you gave me. Turns out they're pretty crappy.
Malcolm: Dewey, we're done with this.
Dewey: In fact, Captain Danger #243 even had a misprint. Funny how people in the comic world are very interested in misprints. Especially when there's only five such copies in existence, and Quentin Tarantino has the other four.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Dewey: Is it hot in here, or is just money?
Malcolm: Oh, my God, this is fantastic! Who knew we were sitting on such a gold mine here?
Dewey: We? I don't think so.
Malcolm: Dewey, you didn't think the whole garbage thing was for real, did you?
Dewey: You told me I should be happy with what you gave me, and I have to say I am. Here's 20 bucks. Make yourself scarce.
Malcolm: What? This is my room. You can't buy me out of here for 20 bucks.
Dewey: Here's $40.
Malcolm: Forget it! I'm not- Okay. [exits]

Hal: Hi, hon. How was your day?
Lois: It is Big Super Crazy Day at the Lucky Aide. I feel like I have been hit by a truck.
Hal: Oh, here's your herbal tea.
Lois: [sighs] The thing is absolutely nothing is on sale. They take all the stuff off the shelves, dump it in the bins and the people go nuts. I dropped my car keys in one of 'em. I had to wrestle a woman for 20 minutes to get 'em back. [Hal massages Lois's temples] Oh, God, my neck is killing me.
Hal: Got it. [grabs hot towel from microwave]
Lois: Then this 90-year-old man with glaucoma comes in. He wants to pay for his toiletries with a bag full of pennies.
Hal: Feet up.
Lois: We finally settled on five dollars, six buttons and a run-over bottle cap.
Hal: Feet down. [Lois puts her feet in a foot bath]
Lois: I swear, Hal, I could hardly stand up through my shift. I'm afraid I'm going to have to break down and buy those custom orthotics for my shoes. Dr. Fletcher said I've got the pronation of a circus clown.
Hal: Well, if you need 'em, you need 'em. That's all there is to it. That right heel looks like it could use some pumice.
Lois: Hal, what would I do without you? I swear I couldn't make it through the day if you weren't here to pick up the pieces and put me back together again.
Hal: Oh, nonsense, honey. I'm only doing what any husband would do. Any husband who cares. There. Back in. Now if you'll lean forward, I'll get that spot between your shoulder blades.
Lois: Actually, that's the one part of me that doesn't hurt today.
Hal: Really? Did I mention the washer is out again? [Lois groans] I got it.

Dewey: I want my money. I want my money. I want my money. I want my money. I want my money.
Malcolm: Dewey! I heard you the first 500 times. Just shut up.
Dewey: [on tape] I want my money. I want my money. I want my money.
Malcolm: You know. You're right. I wasn't being fair to you. A deal's a deal. I've been saving all this stuff for you for a special occasion. But today's as good a day as any. Happy Dewey day.
Dewey: You're giving me garbage!
Malcolm: Hey, I once lent five bucks to Francis, and all I got was a double-dip swirly. Consider yourself lucky.

Hal: Hi, honey, sorry I'm late. I had to stop by and pick up this puppy on my way home. Why don't you rub yourself up against this for a while, while I get your foot bath ready. I'm making a small adjustment on the pH, which I think you're going to find especially refreshing.
Lois: Hal, you can forget about all that. I wore my new orthotics today. See? It was miraculous. All the pain and tension disappeared everywhere. It was like once my feet were properly supported, the rest of my body fell in line like a family of ducks.
Hal: Well, how about that? So, I guess Crazy Days have quieted down a little, huh?
Lois: Are you kidding? Today we started After Crazy Day Sale. It was wild. And wouldn't you know, the old blind guy with the pennies was back. He has the most delightful stories about his health. Did you know that men can get yeast infections?
Hal: Imagine that.
Lois: So, honey, you can put all that paraphernalia away. I don't need it anymore. Isn't that wonderful?
Hal: Yeah. I couldn't be happier, hon. [microwave beeps] Shut up.

Abby: I have to confess, I'm a great admirer of yours, ma'am.
Lois: Me?
Abby: Yes, ma'am. Reese told me so many amazing stories about you. Is it true you once made him cut the front lawn with a pair of manicure scissors?
Lois: I can't take all the credit for that. After all, he was the one who didn't refill the ice cube tray.

Malcolm: Wow. So when are you guys going to hook up and get it over with?
Reese: What? What are you talking about?
Malcolm: Oh, come on. Every time I turn around, she's got her hands all over you. She clearly digs you, dude.
Reese: You take that back.
Malcolm: What's your problem? I mean, I wouldn't turn my back on her, but I think she's kind of hot.
Reese: No, she isn't. Buddies can't be hot. I don't believe you. The best friend I ever had wake up in the middle of the night to give me a stinking face fart, and you go and turn it into something ugly!

Lois: My orthotics they were right here in my shoes. I left them there last night. Where could they be?
Hal: Beats me. Unless... Wait a minute. Oh, for the love of that darn kid!
Lois: Who?
Hal: Jamie. See, there's a little piece of jelly on the back of the shoe. See that? We have to face it, Lois, we are raising a klepto.
Lois: What would he want with my orthotics?
Hal: Who knows? Yesterday, he took the last donut. Well, I doubt we'll ever see those orthotics again. Oh, and just when you were feeling so good. Oh! Why, God?! Why does this always happen to us? Why can't we just once catch a break? [Jamie walks in with Lois's orthotic inserts]
Lois: You did have them. Why are they covered in dirt? Did you bury them, you little devil?
Hal: Isn't he a clever kid?

Reese: Damn! I never should have let her see me in my bike shorts.

Malcolm: How long have you been here?
Reese: Since last night. To be honest, I'm a little hurt that no one seemed to miss me.
Malcolm: Is this about Abby?
Reese: You were right, Malcolm. She wants me bad. This is a disaster.
Malcolm: Why? You've got a girl that's crazy about you.
Reese: But it's just wrong. She's my buddy. The best friend I've ever had. But in a roll around the floor and make her smell my armpit kind of way.
Malcolm: Everyone has their own kind of foreplay. The important thing now is how you feel about her.
Reese: It's hard to say. Now when I think about her, I get all nervous in my stomach. Like my bowels could cut loose at any moment.
Malcolm: That's love, dude.
Reese: Wow. You'd think somebody would put that in a song.