Lois: That was ten years ago! Why do you even care?
Francis: It was between me and some guys.
Lois: What guys?
Francis: They come around the pool, every day at 3:00, talking smack like all I do is hang around at the pool all day and I never did anything with my life. So I told 'em about the fish. And they said they didn't believe me! Man, I can't wait to see the look on Jason Sullivan's face!
Lois: 3:00? How old are these people?
Francis: Good point. A 12-year-old should not be lecturing people about how they have or have not lived their lives!
Lois: You're trying to impress a 12-year-old?
Francis: Not trying to, going to.
Lois: I don't want this dead fish in my house. You can have it. But once I help you, you know what you have to do.
Francis: Learn not to care what other people think?
Lois: Get a job!
Francis: Yeah, that'll show 'em.

Hal: I don't know where you get it, the dishonesty. We are your family, and you betray us. [eats] God, this is so good, Reese.
Reese: Thanks.
Lois: Yeah, Malcolm, I would like to reach into your ear and tear out that part of your brain that makes you do things like this! [eats] Smoky.
Reese: That's the mesquite.
Hal: I don't even know what's happening in my own house.
Francis: Really good, Reese. Hey, thanks for your piece, Dewey. You sure you don't want any?
Dewey: No, thanks.
Lois: That is so nice of you, Dewey.
Hal: At least we have one boy we can trust.
[cut to everyone else asleep at the dinner table after eating their steaks]

Dewey: But I'm cooking. Mom and Dad are going out for their anniversary and they're letting me pick dinner.
Reese: I'm not eating cereal for dinner!
Dewey: Yes, you are. Dad said if I emptied out the rat traps in the crawl space, then I get to pick dinner.
Reese: That's funny. He didn't consult me, seeing as I have the fist and you have the face.

Dewey: Have you seen Malcolm?
Reese: No! And you haven't either.
Dewey: I haven't.
Reese: Good. Then we understand each other.

Hal: Where's Malcolm?
Reese: I have no idea where Malcolm is or what he's doing. Or why he's doing whatever it is that I don't know what he's doing.
Hal: All right, I know you're hiding something, but I don't care.

Lois: [o.s.] Hal, I can't see anything!
Hal: I'll find a flashlight. [flashlight dies] Oh, would you look at that. Is there a single neighbor that lends us something that doesn't have dead batteries?

Francis: I was hiding from Dad. I wanted to talk to you first.
Lois: Francis, your father and I have a joint checking account. It doesn't matter who you talk to first.
Francis: No, it's just you know how emotional he gets. I don't want him overreacting when he hears what happened.
Lois: What happened?
Francis: I think my marriage is over. [Lois doesn't respond] That's bad news.
Lois: Of course it is. What's going on?
Francis: We've been fighting about everything lately. I mean, how do you answer when someone asks, "Does your face have to look like that?" I put up with her face. With that nose always pointing at me.
Lois: Oh, Francis.
Francis: I still love her; I don't want it to end, but I just I don't see how it's going to last.

Hal: Where did that come from?
Lois: I'm just trying to celebrate our anniversary.
Hal: Hmm. Not just yet. I still have some work to do. [Lois pins Hal to the bed] Officer, what is this about? You better lock the doors.
Lois: Actually, Hal, you know, on second thought, I'm really not in the mood.
Hal: Oh, I see. Stoke the flame. Oh, I like the way you think.

Lois: Who's drunk?
Hal: Malcolm. He's drunk at a party 100 miles down the freeway. Now we both have to go down there, pick him up and drive his car back.
Lois: Oh, for God's sake!
Hal: You know what would teach him a lesson? If we made him wait until after we ate dinner. Let him stew in his own juices. His own delicious, savory juices.
Lois: Get your keys, Hal. I'll meet you in the car.
Hal: All right! [on the phone] Malcolm you just stay right where you are. [hangs up] I hate children.

Hal: Jamie? Oh, did the blackout scare you? Listen, pal, I need the batteries from one of your toys. Where's that frog that used to shock you in the bathtub?