Ted: Well, I'll be pretty happy if Royce's only baggage is that she's too nice.
Barney: Too nice? That is the worst kind of baggage. Best baggage, hates her dad, and thinks she's fat but isn't. Angry sex on the first date, and then as soon as you mention breakfast, she's gone. Why do you guys hang out with me?

Future Ted: [v.o.] That night, on my date with Royce, I kept waiting to see what her baggage would be.
Royce: So is spaghetti your specialty?
Ted: No. The main event is my pancakes. I'll make them for you sometime. They are insane.
Royce: My dad used to make multi-grain pancakes. He's the one who got me working in porn. [Ted imagines a giant suitcase reading "Worked in Porn"] You know PORN, Parents Offering Recreation and Nutrition. It's a charity for inner-city teens who don't have access to sports or healthy food. [suitcase is gone] That reminds me, I killed my brother [A suitcase reading "Killed her brother" appears"] with this joke I told him last night. [suitcase is gone] A barber, a stripper and a Jew... [A suitcase reading "Ted, wait for her to finish her sip" appears] ...lliard-trained violinist, walked into a bar.

Future Ted: [v.o.] I looked and looked and looked, but it really appeared as though there was no baggage to worry about. Until we went to go see a movie.
[The movie credits roll: "The Wedding Bride", "a film by Tony Grafanello"]
Ted: Oh, no.

Lily: The Wedding Bride is about you?
Ted: Yeah.
Marshall: Okay, are you sure it's about you? Because when I saw Spaceballs for the first time, I could've sworn...
Ted: This movie is about me, Marshall. It was written by Tony Grafanello.

Robin: What a jerk. Did he at least get someone hot to play me?
Ted: You're not in it.
Robin: What a jerk.

Ted: This is a terrible movie! And it got everything wrong. Remember how I proposed to Stella? That spontaneous moment in the arcade. I didn't have a ring, so I gave her a toy I won from a crane machine?
Lily: Oh, that was so sweet.
Marshall: So romantic.
Robin: A little cheesy.
Ted: Well, here's how it went in the movie.
[flashback to Ted and Royce watching The Wedding Bride:]
Jed Mosley: Look, if it'll shut you up, I guess we can get married.
Stella: Well, aren't you gonna give me a ring?
Jed Mosley: No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. Here. Put this on your finger.
Boy: Hey!

Marshall: Hey, if you know what you're doing, two minutes is all you need.
Lily: Run tell dat. [Lily and Marshall high five]

Ted: But the worst, the worst, was the ending. So they're at the wedding...
[flashback to Ted and Royce watching The Wedding Bride:]
Priest: Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley to be your lawfully-wedded husband?
Stella: I...
[present:]
Marshall: Whoa! Spoilers! Is what I would say if I ever plan on seeing such an awful film. Continue. [covers ears]

Royce: Oh, my God. That was so good! I'm laughing. I'm crying. I know it's all fake, but didn't those seem like real characters? It was just so real. Hey, how come you said "oh, no" when the movie started?
Future Ted: [v.o.] That's when I realized everyone has baggage, including me.
[Ted imagines a large trunk reading "Left at the altar" next to him]
Ted: Oh, uh, no reason.

Lily: Ted, I think you need to tell Royce the story of what happened with you and Stella. It's gonna come out eventually.
Ted: Why? Why does it even have to?
Robin: Well, for starters, it's now the fifth highest-grossing movie of all time.
Ted: I don't care. I don't care. I'm taking this to the grave. It's a stupid movie, anyway.
Lily: Sounds terrible.
Robin: My gosh, I would never go and see that film.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, you know where this is going.