Ted: So they're at the wedding.
[flashback to Ted and Royce watching The Wedding Bride:]
Stella: I...
Tony: Stella!
Stella: Tony?
Jed Mosley: Tony?
Tony: Something I need to say. A long time ago, I let this beautiful girl named Stella get away. And now she's with some jerk who doesn't appreciate what he has in this beautiful, wedding bride.
Audience: Oh!
Ted: What is wrong with you people?
Jed Mosley: You can't talk to me like that. I'm Ted Mosley!
Ted: Did he say Ted that time?
Royce: Ssh.

[flashback to Ted and Royce watching The Wedding Bride:]
Tony: Stella, I promised to make you my wife. And I'd like to live up to that promise.
Stella: Oh, Tony, all I've wanted all my life was your love.
Priest: Oh, go on, honey. Kiss him.
All: Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him...
Tony: Stella, if you still truly love me, can you let me make you my wedding bride?
Stella: Can-do's-ville, babydoll. [kisses Tony]
Jed Mosley: No! No! No! Stop doing that! Daddy!
Boy: Take that, Ted Mosby.
Ted: Okay, he definitely said it that time.

[flashback to Barney, Robin, Marshall and Lily watching The Wedding Bride:]
Tony: Well, she's made her choice. Don't worry. I won't go to the wedding.
Jed Mosley: Oh, you'll go all right. I'm gonna drive you there myself and make you watch. [laughs loudly]
Tony: Billy, no! The code.
Barney: This is exactly how it happened. He got every part right. Even that thing with the nunchucks.

Royce: Ted, you wanna see it again, right?
Ted: Yeah. It was good.
Royce: "Good"? Try instant classic. The only thing wrong with it, and I mean, it's such a minor flaw in an otherwise flawless film, is I just didn't get why Stella would even wanna marry a guy like Jed Mosley in the first place. I mean, even that guy's name, Jed Mosley.
Rachel: Come on, Royce. You've dated a few Jed Mosleys in your day.
Royce: Well, okay. But who hasn't? He's such a type. The butterfly tattoo, the way he pronounces encyclopedia.
Bruce: Encyclopaedia.
Ted: Totally. Totally. All right, well, technically, that is the correct...

Royce: I was so, so happy when that loser got left at the altar, and you know why? Because he had it coming. And the great part is he is gonna live a long, sad life, knowing that he lost his only chance at happiness. Oh! What about when he got beat up by the goat? [all laugh] So funny. What a loser.
Ted: Totally! I mean, the guy's life was shattered in a very public humiliation. What a hoot! And it may be years before he can look certain family members in the eye again. He may be so emotionally traumatized he never fully loves or trusts anyone ever again. That's hysterical. Move over, Adolf Hitler. There's a new king of comedy.
Royce: Ted, are you okay?
Ted: Yeah. I just think you all might be interested to learn something about that movie y'all love so much. It sucks. And you're all stupid for liking it.
Royce: Wow. That was really mean. I think you owe us an apology.
Ted: No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. No-can-do's-ville.

[As Ted interrupts the showing of The Wedding Bride:]
Priest: Go on, honey. Kiss him.
Barney: Go on, honey. Kiss him.
Guests: Kiss him, kiss him...
Barney: Kiss him, kiss him...
Future Ted: [v.o.] Um, Uncle Barney didn't say "kiss."
Barney: Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!
Future Ted: Still not saying "kiss."
Usher: Sir, you need to leave, now!
Barney: This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you?

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, when you're in your 20s, dating is great. But by the time you reach your 30s, you find out pretty fast everyone has baggage. Sure you can stick to the small talk, and pretend it's not there, but sooner or later...
Woman: [cell phone rings] Oh! It's my ex. Sorry, we're trying to remain friends. [answers] Hi, pumpkin. Did you get our tickets to Maui?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yeah, it's there.

Future Ted: [v.o.] That spring, I had just started dating a girl named Royce. She was smart, beautiful...
Ted: Blah, blah, blah, we're very happy together.
Lily: But...
Ted: Exactly. That's the problem.
Barney: Her butt?
Marshall: What is it, too much?
Lily: Too little?
Robin: Or is it an issue of access?

Ted: No. The but is, there's always gonna be a but. No matter how great things are going, sooner or later, it's gonna get ruined.
Barney: When she turns 30.
Ted: When I find out what her baggage is. It's there. I don't know what it is, but when I do, party's over.

Robin: Ted, everyone has baggage, you just gotta look past it.
Ted: Really? 'Cause the last time I looked past a girl's baggage, that baggage belonged to a girl named Stella, and... Oh, I'm drawing a blank here. How did that work out again?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Here's how it worked out. I asked her to marry me, she said yes. We were happy. But then the day of the wedding, her karate instructor ex-boyfriend, Tony Grafanello, showed up, declared his love for her, and Stella ran off with him to California, leaving me utterly and completely heartbroken.