Barney: Why are you doing this to me?
Robin: Okay, you have been ripping on Canada since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snow blower. So now this Canuck's gonna beat on you like the drummer from Yukon Blonde hopped up on Timbits.

Barney: Wait. Where is my cash?
Robin: Oh, yeah, I did a little exchange for ya, Canucklehead. This Canadian dollar here is called a "loonie." And this two-dollar coin? A "toonie." True story.
Barney: It's federal currency and you people talk about it like it's a Hannah-Barbera character.
Robin: Not you people, Barney. Our people.

Robin: Yo, Canada.
Barney: What? Dammit!
Robin: Ha, you answer to "Canada" now. I'll make you a deal. You wear this costume to the Halloween party tomorrow night, I'll drop it forever.
Barney: You can't be serious.
Robin: Oh, I am as serious as a poutine shortage in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel.
Barney: I don't know what any of those words mean.
Robin: Yes. You do.

Marshall: Baby, we should put off moving.
Lily: Why?
Marshall: Because I think the pregnancy is affecting your judgment.
Lily: No, Marshall, this is an amazing opportunity that we have to take advantage of! Just because my body is growing a fungus...
Marshall: Fetus.
Lily: ...doesn't mean that my metal factories...
Marshall: Mental faculties.
Lily: ...are in any way funicular.
Marshall: No idea.

Robin: Guys? I have a very important announcement to make. I was on Facebook.
Barney: Nobody cool's on Facebook anymore.
Robin: Well, you know who is on Facebook now? Everybody's parents. And I just happen to be friends with Barney's long-lost father, Mr. Jerome Whitaker.
Marshall: Me, too. He's gotten really good at Bejeweled Blitz.
Robin: And guess who thought my status update about Manitoba was so interesting because his mother was born in Manitoba?
Barney: What?
Robin: Which means your grandmother...
Barney: No.
Robin: Which makes you...
Barney: Don't say it!
Robin: ...one-quarter Canadian! Welcome to the tribe, hoser!
Barney: No, it's not true! That's impossible!

Future Ted: [v.o.] For my first date with the slutty pumpkin, I took her someplace special.
Naomi: Ted, this is so romantic. The spot where we first met ten years ago. Do you remember the song that was playing that night?
Ted: I remember how beautiful you looked.
Naomi: [singing] It's been one week since you looked at me Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry."
Ted: Wow. Is that, uh, the Barenaked Ladies, huh?
Naomi: [singing] Five days since you laughed at me Saying, "Get that together. Come back and see me." [Ted kisses Naomi]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, it took me ten years, but I finally kissed her. And it was... terrible.

Robin: It's totally a thing. Her brain is marinating in a cocktail of hormones, mood swings and jacked-up nesting instincts. I mean, yes, right now Lily is a goddess bestowing the miracle of life, but damn, she dumb!
Marshall: Well, I have noticed some stuff.
[flashback to Lily and Marshall's apartment:]
Lily: I can't find my keys or wallet anywhere!
Marshall: I found them... here in the freezer. Hey, but where are the ice cube trays?
Lily: No idea. [picks up dripping-wet purse] Those poor ice cubes! [sobs]
[present:]
Marshall: I guess she has been a little off lately.
Robin: A little? She just texted me wanting directions back from the bathroom. [to Lily, who's at the bar] Oh. We're over here! You're doing great, sweetie!

Lily: How was your big date with the Snuffy Tuffkin? The Sniffy Napkin? The Slouchy Foreskin? Oh, Lily tie-tie.
Ted: It was good... ish.
[flashback to Ted and Naomi on the roof:]
Naomi: Look, there's Orion's Belt.
Ted: Oh. [inner monologue] Why does holding hands feel this weird? Should our fingers not intertwine? What's causing that pinching feeling? I'll just cup her hand. There. That's... not great. Her hair's up my nose. Her shoulder's jabbing into my windpipe. Maybe if we reposition. I have to say something. She must be feeling it, too.
Naomi: This feels so right. We fit like two puzzle pieces.
Ted: Yeah.

Naomi: Do you want to listen to some music?
Ted: Uh-huh!
Naomi: Ted, this is our song. Let's make love to this song. [singing] Chickety China, the Chinese chicken Have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Ted: Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.

[When Ted goes to the bathroom during his date, he imagines young Ted talking to him:]
Young Ted: Hey, doofus! It's me: you at age 15. And we made a deal we would always boink any chick that wants to boink us!
Ted: Yes, she's beautiful, it's just there's no connection there. I don't feel intimate with her.
Young Ted: "Intimate"? Let me remind you of some things you did feel "intimate" with when you were 15: a catcher's mitt, an oven mitt, a glass of warm water, a half-open hide-a-bed sofa, a top-loading VCR!
Ted: It's not gonna happen!
Young Ted: Come on! It'll take, like, 30 seconds!