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The Sexless Innkeeper

‘The Sexless Innkeeper’

Season 5, Episode 4 -  Aired October 12, 2009

After a woman goes home with Ted but spends the night on his couch, Barney breaks the news to Ted that he was just used for a place to crash. Meanwhile, Marshall and Lily are excited to host Robin and Barney for a couples' night.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Look! I'm sorry that we have been dodging your calls, but we respect you guys too much as friends to give you some song and dance. You deserve the truth. [sighs] The US Navy has found intelligent alien life at the bottom of the ocean. For reasons I can't explain, Robin and I have been tapped to lead the expedition.
Lily: Wow, Barney. That kind of sounds like the stuff you say to girls when you're too much of a coward to dump them.
Marshall: Yeah. You know, that's exactly what it sounds like. But if that's true, that's awesome.

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Quote from Marshall

Lily: I can't believe you sent them one of those. They think we're insane now.
Marshall: If I recall, they didn't dump us until you brought up that Vermont trip. It was way too early. First, a boat ride around the city, then a trip to Vermont. It's a rookie mistake, and you're better than that.
Lily: Oh, what about you forgetting to check the egg timer for charades? I gave you one thing to do, Marshall. One thing.
Marshall: One thing? [Lily nods] One thing? Wow. Really? So, I guess that Gouda Just walked itself right through the door, sliced itself up, and arranged itself in a perfect semi-circle around not three, not four... But five different kinds of sturdy, cheese-bearing crackers?
Lily: You're a sturdy, cheese-bearing cracker!

Quote from Barney

Ted: Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.
Barney: Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, But don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?
Ted: Seriously, they're your friends. You got to go apologize.
Barney: To your point, Ted. As an innkeeper, do you do that cheapy thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?

Quote from Barney

Ted: Robin, you know I'm right. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. Usually, it just makes it bigger.
Robin: You're right.
Ted: Thank you.
Robin: All that sexlessness has made you wise.
Ted: For god's sake!
Barney: Mint on the pillow, Ted! And don't charge for Wi-Fi. It seems greedy! It does.

Quote from Robin

Ted: You are wrong. The ladies dig the professor look.
Robin: You know, there is something to that. I remember thinking my tenth grade math teacher was very sexy. I wonder if Harold's still in jail. [off everyone else's look] What? Tax evasion. ... Among other things.

Quote from Lily

Lily: So guys, Marshall and I wanted to invite you to our place for a little couples' night.
Robin: Uh, sure. Why not?
Future Ted: [v.o.] For years, Marshall and Lily had been the only married couple in a group full of single people. It got lonely, so they were always searching for another couple to double-date. There was only one problem.
[flashback to Marshall and Lily getting ready to greet a couple in 2007:]
Lily: Welcome.
Marshall: Gouda?
Future Ted: [v.o.] They sucked at it.
Lily: This is great. We're having fun. You're having fun, right?
Marshall: So, should we just go ahead and lock the four of us in for new year's?
Man: Um, it's April.
Marshall: Right. Sorry. We're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's talk Thanksgiving.
Lily: Our parents really want to meet you!

Quote from Lily

[flashback to Marshall and Lily having a double date with another couple:]
Man: Well, we should probably be going.
Marshall: Wait. No, wait, if you leave now, Colonel Mustard just gets away with it.
Woman: It's getting pretty late. We're going to go.
Lily: [blocking the door] There's still pie.

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] But just when Lily and Marshall were about to give up, two of their best friends in the world got together. And hope returned to their hearts. So when Lily said...
Lily: Marshall and I wanted to invite you to our place for a little couples' night.
Robin: Um, sure, why not?
Future Ted: Barney and Robin had no idea what they were about to walk into.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Okay. Game time. Let's review the flow of the room. Barney and Robin enter here. Stop here for margaritas. That's a great conversation starter. We can tell them about our trip to Cabo.
Marshall: Great, 'cause I got that story about Sammy Hagar and the Belgian waffle locked and loaded.
Lily: Then we'll move on to the hot apps station. And, depending on how things are going, Some lively pre-dinner charades.
Marshall: Right, but, uh, we'll play that one by... [points to his ear]
Lily: Sounds like..?
Marshall: Okay, you can be Robin's partner. [doorbell rings]
Lily: Oh... Baby, we can do this. [answers door] Welcome.
Marshall: Gouda?

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my half-baked theory that ladies dig the professor look was actually proving to be true.
Woman: So is it hard to grade papers?
Ted: No, you've just got to make it fun. For example, uh, every time I spot a grammatical error, I do a shot. I'm trashed right now, and I blame our public school system.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Sometimes things just seem to magically fall into place.
Woman: So, you said you live right upstairs...
Future Ted: Whether it's in the dating world...
[in Lily and Marshall's apartment:]
Lily: Take care. Bye.
Future Ted: Or the double-dating world.
Lily: Nailed it!
Marshall: Best night ever! [high fives Lily]
[out in the corridor:]
Barney: Worst night ever.
Robin: [imitates gun shot]

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