Robin Quote #403
Ted: Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?
Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw the tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in, nor probably even capable of, having sex. And she thought, "Hey, free lodging."
Ted: No way. I'm not the sexless innkeeper.
Barney: Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.
Robin: Which is funny, because usually it's the innkeeper who offers turndown service. Oh!
Quote from Barney
Ted: What the hell is "the sexless innkeeper"?
Barney: Ted, many a man - nay, many a soul - has their own tale of the sexless innkeeper. Why, I had run-in with one just last year. I even composed a poem about it. Would you care to hear it?
Ted: Not really.
Barney: T'was the night before New Year's, and the weather grew mean. It was 3:00 in the morning, and I was stranded in Queens. The tavern grew empty, the gas lights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in...
Ted: Wait. If this was last year, why are you acting like it was Oliver Twist?
Barney: Ted, it's a poem. Last call was approaching, and my fortunes looked bleak. Then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek. She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream and threw up in my mouth. I asked, "Where do you live?" And she said, "One block south." I swallowed my pride and six shots of whiskey, and prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack. 'neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper. And thus she became the sexless innkeeper.
Quote from Ted
Ted: Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it?
Barney: No, not really.
Ted: 'twas the night before, I had hours to kill. I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.
Barney: With quill?
Ted: Barney, it's a poem. A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin. Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin." She said, "You're a teacher?" I said, "Yes, indeed." "I must have you," she moaned, "I'm turned on by tweed." With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.
Barney: No way. You made that up.
[A blonde woman comes out of Ted's bedroom]
Woman: Are you coming back bed, professor?
Quote from Glitter
Robin: Okay, fine, I'll watch it with you.
Robin: But if either of you makes even one peep about the show being dirty, I'm turning it off. I'm serious.
[on Space Teens:]
Robin Sparkles: Hey Jessica, how's your beaver?
[in the apartment, Ted and Barney spit take]
Jessica Glitter: Great. How's your beaver?
Robin Sparkles: Busy as ever!
[Ted and Barney stifle laughter]
Robin: Our characters had pet beavers.
Ted: [giggles] Sure.
Robin: The beaver is the official animal of Canada. It's our national mascot.
Barney: It's a noble creature.
Quote from Big Days
Robin: Well, I guess you just got to move on. I mean, it's not like you have a shot with Ready McGee over there, right? Ted?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Then I remembered. Cindy had a roommate. A roommate I only caught a glimpse of... But a roommate who, by every indication, was something very special. Was it possible? Could this be the girl attached to that ankle?
Ted: I got to see her ankles.
Robin: You're one of those? God, I swear, one in five guys...