Marshall: Stakeout van.
Ted: What?
Marshall: We should have gotten a stakeout van. We could have ordered pizza, and looked through big binoculars and said, "This ain't what I signed up for." Stuff like that.

Marshall: We're getting a stakeout van!
[cut to Ted, Marshall and Lily in a car outside the diner:]
Marshall: A station wagon? Really? You rented a station wagon?
Ted: Yeah, a van cost, like, 25 bucks more.
Marshall: A station wagon.

Ted: What the hell is this?
Lily: They didn't have any Stormtroopers, so I had to get a different robot. This will still work.
Ted: Different robot? Stormtroopers aren't robots.
Lily: Of course they're robots. "Must kill Luke Skywalker."
Ted: Um, nobody says that in Star Wars. At all. Ever.
Marshall: Really lousy robot voice, honey.

Ted: I never thought I'd be saying this tonight, but to Barney and Robin, the happy couple.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That was the moment we learned that relationships take hard work, but eventually, everything will work out.
Lily: Hey.
Robin: Hey.
Lily: Where's Barney?
Robin: Uh... We broke up.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that was the moment we unlearned that other lesson we had just learned a few seconds earlier. You see, earlier that night, when Lily thought Barney and Robin had spotted her, this is what they really saw.
Barney: Why do that fat guy and old lady keep... Oh, my God. That's us.
Robin: Look at us. Did we always look this awful?
Barney: Robin, I'm not happy. I mean, I wish I was. Nothing would make me happier than being happy, but I'm not.
Robin: But what are we doing wrong? We love each other. I mean, if this doesn't work, what will? We're so similar.
Barney: We both like scotch. We're both awesome.
Robin: You know, maybe that's it. Maybe there's just too much awesome here.
Barney: Exactly. Two awesomes cancel each other out. I'm tired of being canceled out.
Robin: Me, too. Are we breaking up?
Barney: I think so. Aw, crap. Now comes the next part, the part where you and I can't go back to being friends.
Robin: Well, maybe this isn't a breakup. Maybe this is two friends getting back together.

Marshall: So, how's Barney doing?
Robin: He's okay, I think. It might be a while before he fully recovers, but... Did you guys just feel a chill?
Ted: Yeah.
[Barney walks into MacLaren's, svelte and suited-up:]
Barney: Daddy's home. [winks to camera]

Marshall: It's just, you know, you got relationship gut.
Barney: What? No, I do not got "relationship gut." That is ridiculous.
Marshall: It's no big deal. I mean, once you're dating someone, it's natural to let things go a little bit. Trust me. We've been there.
Lily: Yeah. Boy, did I pudge out for a while.

Robin: Well, we should get going.
Barney: Goodbye, my sweet, beloved friends, who have always been there for me. You'll be missed.
Robin: He's talking to the porn.

Lily: Look at these videos. Space Orgy. Horny Co-Ed Surprise Party 23.
Marshall: You'd think after the first 22 parties, the co-eds wouldn't be surprised anymore.
Lily: [to Ted] So, we can get rid of these for you.
Ted: No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not a problem. I'll take care of them.
Lily: Are you sure? I mean, no biggie. We can just swing by the back alley and drop the box in the dumpster.
Marshall: I see six of the words you just said on this video label.
Ted: Seriously, it's not a big deal. I will take care of it.
Lily: No. 'Cause I... I mean, we...
Ted: Leave them!

Ted: "Archisexture." That is not how you spell "Buckminster Fuller."
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, pornography is bad. And so, I was getting rid of that vile pornography right away...
[Ted picks up the large chest of porn]
Ted: I am getting rid of this vile pornography right away.
Future Ted: When something terrible happened.
[Ted trips, the chest falls to the floor and one of the videos flies around the room before landing in the VHS player:]
Ted: Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Marshall and Lily join Ted as they watch Barney's recorded plea on the "Archisexture" tape:]
Barney: [on tape] I might look happy, but don't believe it. Barney Stinson is meant to be single. So, please, if you value my best friendship... That's right, Marshall, I'm his best friend. How does that feel? Then get me out of this. And, finally, since you were expecting some porn. [Barney focuses the camera on his bed, where a naked woman is waiting] No, no, no, baby. Don't worry. The flashing green light means it's off.
Lily: Are we sure he was finished talking?