Future Ted: [v.o.] Barney stopped being himself.
Ted: Hey, Barney. I'm chatting up this girl over there. I could use a little help landing the plane.
Barney: Sorry, Ted, I'm my own wingman tonight. [eating chicken wings]

Ted: They're killing each other!
Lily: They love each other.
Ted: Barney and Robin love each other, but they're not Barney and Robin anymore. They're the fat guy and the old lady.
Marshall: My favorite '70s detective show.

Ted: Look, it's so clear. Barney's been overeating because he hates being tied down like this. And Robin's stressing out because she hates what Barney's turned into.
Lily: No. They're a perfect match.
Ted: Well, maybe that's the problem. I mean, maybe they're too similar. It must be tough having two alpha dogs in one relationship.
Marshall: We have two alpha dogs in our relationship.
Lily: Sure we do, sweetie.

Marshall: If they're not happy, why don't they just break up?
Ted: Because they're too stubborn. Neither one of them wants to be the first to admit that they want out. They're playing relationship chicken.
Marshall: I think Barney ate the relationship chicken.

Lily: Ted, it's just a rough patch. It takes time getting used to being with someone else. And they're both... What's the nice word for selfish?
Marshall: Independent.
Lily: Independent. Every relationship goes through this.
Marshall: It's true. I have this astronaut friend, totally loved his fiancée. And then, the day before his mission,
she caught him with, like, four other chicks, a couple of dudes. Things got really tense. Finally, she ended up sneaking out of the space shuttle...
Ted: Are you talking about Space Orgy?
Marshall: Yes, I am.

Barney: Have you noticed how beef ribs used to always be disgusting, and then recently they found a way to make them really delicious instead?
Marshall: Okay, Barney. I'm gonna go ahead and ask you this head on. Are you happy with Robin?
Barney: Are you kidding? How could I not be happy with Robin? It's Robin!
Marshall: So are you happy?
Barney: I can't believe you'd even ask me that. I mean, yes, we fight all the time, but, you know what they say
about relationships. "Every moment's a battle."
Marshall: So are you happy?
Barney: And you know what goes hand-in-hand with fighting, the make-up sex, which is different when you're in a loving, long-term relationship.
[flashback to Barney and Robin in bed:]
Barney: Heads, we have sex. Tails, we order a whole pizza and just lay here moaning.
Robin: Oh, great. Let the coin decide.
Barney: [flips coin] Which was pizza again?
Robin: Tails.
Barney: It was tails.

Marshall: Listen, you've gotta break them up. This relationship is killing them.
Lily: I know it is, but I've learned my lesson. No more interfering. Let things run their course.
Marshall: It's two-to-one.
Lily: Yes, but the one is me.

Robin: Is that an engagement ring? Are you?
Barney: Oh, no. No. That's not me. They must've delivered it to the wrong table. Could you imagine, us getting married?
Robin: Well, we are committed to each other.
Barney: Most of your stuff is already at my apartment.
Robin: Might make taxes easier.
Barney: Speed up your citizenship.
Robin: "Scherbatsky" is so hard to spell.
Barney: My mom would be so happy.
Robin: Eh, I guess so.
Barney: No reason not to.
[later, at MacLaren's:]
Barney: We're getting married!
Robin: Not so loud. Geez!

Lily: [to Ted and Marshall] What did you do? I am furious right now. This is so wrong!
Robin: Lily, will you be my maid of honor?
Lily: Oh, my God. I would love to.

[flashback to the gang at MacLaren's when Robin spots a woman at the bar:]
Robin: Hey, don't you know that girl over there?
Barney: No. I don't think so. No, in fact, I have definitely... [the woman bends over] Hey, it's Meg. Well, I am certainly not comparing you two in my mind right now. [pushes coaster off] Whoops. Hey, will you get that for me? [the start to fight]