Ted: Uh, Barney, uh, where did you get this baby?
Barney: Please.
Ted: Did you adopt it?
Barney: Please.
Ted: Do you have a baby guy? Did Guy the guy guy get you a baby guy?

Lily: No, this is crazy! We are New York people. We have a big, beautiful apartment that we love.
Marshall: You're right.
Future Ted: [v.o.] But something happened to Lily and Marshall that day. Something that happens to all New Yorkers who return home from anywhere other than New York. Their big, lovely apartment...
Lily: Huh. That's weird.
Future Ted: [v.o.] ...shrank.
Marshall: Okay, after Thanksgiving, I'm cutting out carbs.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now, kids, it had been a rough couple weeks for Barney. First, he cheated on his girlfriend with Robin, then he broke up with his girlfriend for Robin, then Robin chose Kevin over him. So he was kind of in a bad place.
Ted: Hey. You all right?
Barney: Why wouldn't I be all right? Barney's single again! It's what America's been clamoring for.
Ted: You just went through a break-up. That's usually when people do something crazy. If you were a girl, you'd have cut bangs and be dating you by now. Just promise me you won't do something crazy.
Barney: I promise I won't do something crazy.
Future Ted: Don't worry, he's gonna do something crazy.

Barney: In fact, I think I'm done with girls. I'm not sure I even like them anymore.
Ted: Based on all the stuff you've done to them over the years, I'm not sure you ever liked them.
Barney: I'm serious.
Ted: Come on, you love girls. If anyone should be done with girls, it's me. Look at the year I've had: Zoey, Victoria,
the Slutty Pumpkin.
Barney: Now I'm worried you're gonna do something crazy.
Ted: I'm not gonna do something crazy.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And yes, I'm gonna do something crazy, too.

Ted: We're not gay.
Barney: Nope. Stuck with girls. I wish men could have children on their own, like sea horses.
Ted: Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Barney: They have a little pouch. They should be called sea kangaroos.
Ted: No, y-you want kids?
Barney: Maybe I've kind of lately been thinking about the whole wife and kids thing. Just minus the wife.
Ted: You could always go it alone. Like Mr. Drummond on Diff'rent Strokes.
Barney: Yeah, but that was the '80s, when you could just swing by any inner-city playground in your limo and scoop up some kids.
Ted: Mmm. Simpler times. I guess it's better to have someone in it with you anyway, you know? Lifetime partnership.
Barney: The only partnership in my life that has stood the test of time is this one. The sacred bond of man and bro.
Ted: Maybe we should start a family together. [both laugh]

Marshall: Listen, um, Robin, are you okay with us all doing Thanksgiving out in East Meadow?
Robin: Uh, yeah, I guess that'd be nice.
Marshall: Oh, great! And then after Thanksgiving, Lily and I were thinking that we would just stay at the house until, you know... we die.

Robin: What? No! You can't move to Long Island!
Lily: But this house is so nice. It's big, and it's clean, and if there's cockroaches, they respect us enough to sneak around.

Robin: Listen to yourself. This is Pregnancy Brain all over again.
Lily: No, I'm done with Pregnancy Brain. I've moved on to weird pregnancy sex dreams. Officer. You know. You know.

Robin: I'm just saying, you're not in the right mind to be making this decision right now.
Marshall: You know what? Robin's right. We are in no state of mind to make this kind of decision.
Robin: Thank you. And now you're stepping off the crazy bus.
Marshall: We let the universe decide.
Robin: And now you're back on board.

Ted: It's genius! Instead of throwing away your life marrying some girl, you just go splitsies on a kid with your best bro!
Barney: I wouldn't have to choose between dating and having a family. Hell, I could bring the kids on dates!
Ted: And a broken home? Um, what's that? Our kids will never know, 'cause we're never gonna split up!
Barney: Why would we? I mean, sure, when your wife walks in on you banging a hot flight attendant, you get a divorce. But when your bro-parent walks in on you banging a hot flight attendant...
Ted: You get five of these bad boys, right up high!
Barney: And you totally join in, right?! Oh, no, there's the line.
Ted: That's the line. We found the line. It's good we know where it is.