‘The Locket’
Season 9, Episode 1 - Aired September 23, 2013
As everyone heads to Long Island for Barney and Robin's wedding, the happy couple worry about which of their "wild card" family members will ruin the wedding. Meanwhile, Lily can't take traveling with Ted any more and decides to make her own way there, while Marshall worries about a picture posted online.
Quote from Barney
Robin: Look, if it's true, if we are, you know, It's really not that big a deal. We know we won't have kids.
Barney: And even if we did, King Joffrey's parents were brother and sister, and he was a fair and wise leader!
Robin: No one ever needs to know but us.
Barney: Exactly.
Ranjit: I know.
Barney: [telepathically] We might have to...
Robin: [telepathically] Take care of Ranjit.
Barney: [telepathically] Hey, you just finished my...
Robin: [telepathically] Creepy telepathic murder thought! Aw. It must be a soul-mate thing!
Barney: [telepathically] Unless it's a weird cousin thing.
Quote from The Mother
Lily: I still can't believe he dragged me to the childhood home of some stupid buckle-smith no one's ever even heard of.
The Mother: Yeah. Who cares about Florian van Otterloop?
Lily: I never told you his name.
The Mother: Sumbitch?
Quote from Ranjit
Barney: So...
Robin: You and I share no DNA whatsoever.
Barney: Let's change that.
Ranjit: [o.s.] Don't hold back. This divider is totally soundproof.Go all the way!
Robin: Wait till the hotel?
Barney: Totally.
Quote from Barney
Barney: Hey, you know what? I'm not worried about a wild card at our wedding anymore. Whether it's Uncle Vic, or Aunt Shelly or the ring bear.
Robin: Ring bearer.
Barney: Whether any of those mammals go rogue, our wedding is gonna be legendary.
Robin: No "wait for it"?
Barney: I've got you. I don't have to wait for it anymore.
Quote from Lily
Marshall: Lily's gonna see it. We'll have the biggest fight of our lives.
Daphne: Oh. I wish I could see your wife kick your ass.
Marshall: I don't mean a physical fight. She's not an animal.
[meanwhile:]
Lily: I'm sorry I tried to bite you.
The Mother: I'm sorry I swatted you on the nose with a rolled-up magazine.
Lily: It's the only way I'll learn.
Quote from Future Ted
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, Barney and Robin's wedding, turned out to be a life-changing weekend for all of us. Well, not just us.
The Mother: One ticket to Farhampton, please.
Future Ted: But I'll get to that.
Quote from Robin
Robin: That is nothing. I have invited Scherbatskys from all over Canada, and they are Canuckin' nuts. Like my cousin Ruth, from the Yukon. I don't like to encourage Canadian stereotypes, but that woman practically rides a moose!
Barney: Does she actually ride a moose?
Robin: Yeah. And I'm worried she'll bring it to the wedding. She and the moose are very close.
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: I'm gonna ruin this wedding. My wife is gonna kill me.
Captain: [over PA] Flight attendants, prepare for departure.
Marshall: We were gonna move to Italy for her dream job, so I brought my son here to Minnesota to see my mom before we left. And then I got offered a job as a judge in New York City, which is my dream. But that would destroy her dream.
Daphne: You are destroying a lot of dreams now.
Quote from Lily
Ted: Aren't you gonna check that?
Lily: No. It's just another obnoxious update from Marshall's mom. She's been posting these "cute" baby pics of Marvin, but it's all just propaganda. First, it was "Don't move to Italy." Followed by an extremely subtle guilt trip. And then, randomly preachy. No, not looking. It's just gonna piss me off.
Quote from Barney
Barney: Oh, oh. Here's another one. You know how I found out I'm one-quarter Canadian, but blocked that out because your nation's ridiculous and I'm awesome?
Robin: Sure.
Barney: Turns out I have a crazy cousin Mitch on that side of the family.
Robin: That's funny, I have a crazy cousin Mitch, too. But I guarantee he's crazier than yours. He built his own house from timber he chopped down from other people's houses.
Barney: That's funny, my cousin Mitch is a lumberjack. Except mine has six fingers.
Robin: On one hand or total?
Barney: Total.
Robin: Are truckers always beating him up?
Barney: Yes, because...
Both: He has to hitchhike with his middle finger!
Barney: Wait. Is it possible that we're...
Robin: Could we be...
Barney: Ranjit, could you be a dear and pull over for a second?
Ranjit: Pulling over!
[Robin and Barney both open their door and vomit]