Barney Quote #1912
Robin: Aw... Look at my little cousins in their flower-girl dresses.
Barney: Aw, they'll look so cute next to the ring bear.
Robin: Yeah. Wait, you said ring bearer, right?
Barney: [nods] Ring bear.
Robin: Ring bearer.
Barney: Ring bear.
Robin: Are you planning some crazy stunt with a dangerous wild animal at our wedding because...
Quote from The Mother
Lily: [inner monologue] No, I'm not looking. I don't need to see my child used against me. My sweet, beautiful child, who I haven't seen in a week. Whose head smells like love and unicorn teardrops and why are trains so Ionely? Damn it, I'm looking.
The Mother: Hey, are you okay? You look stressed. Plus, you muttered a few words out loud. I heard "Ionely" and "unicorn." Which actually gave me a great idea for a children's book, so thank you. Are you okay?
The Mother: But there's nothing you can do... You want a cookie?
Lily: Yes. Yes, I do.
The Mother: Wow. You just took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train. I like how trusting you are. There could be drugs or poison in there.
Lily: There's not, is there?
The Mother: No idea, I found them under my seat. Kidding! Sorry. You looked stressed so I thought you could use a cookie. Then I thought you could use a joke. I should've stopped at the cookie.
Lily: You know, I don't care if these are poisoned. There's chocolate and peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches!
The Mother: I call them "Sumbitches!"
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's how Lily met your mother.
Quote from James
Barney: Oh, boy, my brother wants to know what time he goes on at the reception.
Robin: What does that mean?
Barney: Every wedding he attends, James insists on performing.
[flashback to a side portrait of James wearing a prosthetic beard, a white-haired wig and a white suit:]
James: [singing] Islands in the stream That is what we are No one in between
Robin: So? What do you got against K-Rodge? Everybody loves "The Gambler."
Barney: Wait for it.
James: How can we be wrong?
[James turns to the other side, revealing a blonde wig, no beard and a sparkly red dress:]
James: Sail away with me To another world [turns back] And we rely on each other Uh-huh
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.