Mickey: Come on, relax. I know this little guy like the back of my hand. [looks at his hand] Dear Lord, what is that? [licks his hand] Oh, jam, okay. Just jam.

Marshall: We did it.
Lily: Yeah, we did.
Marshall: Now that we're out the door, I actually don't feel anxious. [phone rings] Whoa, oh, my God, it's your dad! Oh, something horrible happened. Aah! Oh, it's Ted, relax.
Ted: [on the phone] Bar, now.
Lily: What is it?
Marshall: He needs me.
Lily: But, baby, what about our magical romantic night? In four minutes we're supposed to be doing hand stuff in the cab.

Marshall: That's huge.
Ted: Yeah, that's why Barney's not coming tonight. He's getting engaged. And I knew that I had to tell Robin.
Marshall: But?
Ted: I may have, uh... asked her to be my date instead. What is wrong with me? Deep down, is there still some crazy part of me that thinks I'm gonna wind up with Robin? Am I that deluded? If so, I need to grow up. Oh, um, by the way, I'm breaking a jinx swear here, so don't tell Barney or he gets to whack me in the nuts three times with a Wiffle ball bat.
Marshall: Sure, pretty standard.
Ted: Robin deserves the chance to go after Barney one last time if that's what she wants. Thanks, buddy. This helped. I'm gonna go tell her.
Marshall: One quick thing.
Ted: Yeah.
Marshall: Don't.

Ted: Okay, why shouldn't I tell Robin?
Marshall: Because deep down some crazy part of you still thinks you're gonna wind up with her, and I agree.
Ted: Marshall.
Marshall: I'm sorry, I'm Team Tedward. Always have been, always will be. Now, listen. I want my best friend to be happy. And if Robin could mean happiness for you, then, dear God, why help her go after another man?
Ted: Because she might still be in love with him. To not tell her, to not give her that chance, it's... it's selfish.
Marshall: So be selfish.
Ted: I can't do that.
Marshall: Tell that to the onion rings we just "split."
Ted: [sighs] Robin is my friend.
Marshall: She's always been more than that and you know it. Now, as we speak, my wife is in a hotel room cheating on me... with herself. But I'm not leaving here until you promise not to say a word about this to Robin. Now repeat after me. "I..."
Ted: Well, I can do more at a time than "I."
Marshall: "I, Ted Mosby, promise to stop putting everyone else's interests ahead of my own, and for once in my life, do what's best for me."
Ted: I... Sorry, what was the rest of that?

Future Ted: [v.o.] And so, kids, on that cold December night I decided to take your Uncle Marshall's advice and be a little selfish.
Ted: Whoa.
Ranjit: Hello... and hubba-hubba.
Robin: Aw, thanks. But tonight is about my main man Mosby.
Ranjit: Really? Why?
Robin: Oh, Ted, tell Ranjit the huge thing that's happening tonight.
Ted: Barney's getting engaged.
Ranjit: Ranjit out.

Lily: Nice uneven floor there, Ted. [scoffs]
Marshall: Lily, are you drunk?
Lily: What? I... I'm on vacation. I may have cracked open the minibar to celebrate. Who invited the narc?
Marshall: Hey, listen, I know that you miss Marvin, but it's not like we could've brought him to a black tie event anyway. I don't think that they make tuxedo onesies. [sees a baby] I mean, at least not ones that are in style. I mean, a bow tie? Is it 1998 already?
Lily: Yeah, these parents are so lame and-and clingy.
Marshall: Yeah, it's like, cut the cord already, right, guys?
Lily: Yeah, yeah, that baby's not even cute.
Marshall: Super ugly baby. It's almost physically repulsive.
Both: Aw!
Lily: Great, I just started lactating.
Marshall: Me, too.

Robin: Look, I... I hope it goes well for Barney. I really do. But tonight there is no place I would rather be than at your building. Celebrating with you.
Ted: Are you sure?
Robin: Ranjit, to Teddy Westside's kick-ass building.
Ranjit: [o.s.] I cannot hear you. We will be there in five minutes.

Lily: This kid does not mean that you're special. It just means that you're horny and you're easy. Now, come on, let me smell his head.

Marshall: Li-Lily, Lily, no, no, no, no, come on.
Lily: Seriously, Ted, what is up with the floor?
Marshall: Lily.
Lily: What?
Marshall: Is it harder than we thought to be away from Marvin? Yes. But are we gonna have fun or are we gonna wallow in the corner like idiots?
[cut to Marshall and Lily crying in the corner:]
Both: [singing] Night, night, little Marvin Stars twinkle for you The Dreamland train's a-chuggin' All your dreams Will come true.