Future Ted: [v.o.] And it seemed like that was the end of it, but it wasn't, because the next night...
Lily: Which of these carpets would look better in the new apartment? I like the color of this one, but this one's so soft. It would feel great on your bare feet... Or your bare back, a bead of eager sweat rolling down your trembling bosom.
Ted: Lily, didn't we just go through this with bathroom tiles?

Ted: [answers phone] Hey.
Marshall: Shh, don't say my name. Lily can't know it's me. Just pretend you're talking to Stella. Be all lovey dovey.
Ted: Hey, Stella. Sweetie, how's it going?
Marshall: [girlie voice] Not good, not good at all.
Ted: Where are you right now?
Marshall: Right downstairs, come find me. Without Lily.
Ted: Okay, I'll see you soon.
Marshall: I love you.
Ted: I love you, too. [hangs up]
Lily: Wow, you two are already saying the "l" word, huh?
Ted: Apparently.
Lily: You hitting that?

Marshall: Ted, I'm freakin' out, man.
Ted: Um, it's a new car, so just be careful...
Marshall: I did something stupid. Can we just drive somewhere? I need to get away. Just drive, man. Please just drive.
Ted: It's just, this is a really good parking spot.
Marshall: Dude!
Ted: Look, just tell me what happened first.
Marshall: Remember how I said I was gonna give that big speech that Lily told me to give, be firm but respectful? Well, it didn't totally go that way.
Ted: There is a lot of ketchup on that burger. Sorry, what happened?

Marshall: After we all finished talking last night, I went to the diner to finish working on the Ninja Report.
[flashback to Marshall at a diner working. Barney arrives out of nowhere and sits down at the same booth:]
Barney: Hey, Marshall.
Marshall: How long have you been sitting there?
Barney: If you go in there with Lily's kindergarten nonsense, you're gonna get torn apart. I'm here to save your life. You hungry?
Marshall: Yeah, I was just about to order.
Barney: What do you want?
Marshall: A sandwich and gravy fries.
Waiter: Okay, friends, what do you like?
Barney: A green tea with lemon for me, and for my friend here, the meatloaf, please.
Waiter: Very good.
Marshall: No, I didn't want meatloaf.
Barney: Marshall, the chain of screaming is a real thing. Arthur screamed at you, now you have to scream at someone else.
Marshall: No, I don't.
Barney: Yes, you do, or else that anger is gonna eat you alive.
Marshall: Who would I even scream at?
Barney: I don't know. How about somebody who's disappointed you? Someone who's let you down. Someone who's gonna bring you meatloaf when you explicitly ordered a sandwich and gravy fries.
Marshall: No.

Robin: Hey, I was just heading to the bar. What are you guys doing out here?
Marshall: Oh, I was just telling Ted a story.
Robin: Ooh, I like stories. You want a lick? What?
Ted: Is that ice cream cone big enough?
Robin: Uh, it's delicious enough.

Marshall: Okay, so... Then I say to Barney...
[flashback to Marshall and Barney at the diner]
Marshall: I'm not gonna scream at the waiter, Barney.
Barney: Yes, you are. That waiter is every boss and every bully who ever embarrassed or belittled you. And how dare he deny you the one thing that you want, that would make you happy at this moment. A sandwich and gravy fries.
Waiter: One green tea with lemon, one meatloaf. Enjoy, my friends.
Barney: Marshall.
Marshall: Excuse me?
Waiter: Yes?
Marshall: This is not what I ordered.
Waiter: Yes, it is.
Marshall: I beg your pardon, sir, But I ordered a sandwich and gravy fries, And as the customer, I'm always right, so...
Waiter: No! No! I am not going to stand here and take this! I am at the end of a triple shift. That's 18 hours! And then I have to take two trains and a bus to Astoria to have my wife scream at me because I'm never home. No! No, you eat your damn meatloaf!

Barney: Hey, what are you guys doing out here?
Robin: Oh sweet, can I get a toot?
Ted: Uh-uh. against car rules, it's against car rules!
Barney: Oh, Ted, relax, it's Cuban. People pay to have their car smell like this.
Ted: Well, that's just not true.

Barney: Oh, Marshall, switch seats with me. I called shotgun for all eternity.
Robin: You can't call shotgun for eternity.
Barney: Well, that's funny, cause I did!
Robin: It's case by case.

Marshall: Guys, I'm telling a life-altering story here!
[flashback to Barney and Marshall walking down the street:]
Barney: A 20% tip, really, for that waiter?
Marshall: I don't know, Barney, he worked a triple, it just...
Barney: I can't believe it! If you're not gonna yell at the waiter, Yell at me.
Marshall: What?
Barney: Yell at me.
Marshall: I'm not gonna yell at you, Barney.
Barney: What, you think you're gonna upset me? Please, give me your best shot.
Marshall: Okay, fine... what, you want me to yell at you?
Barney: Yeah.
Marshall: This is me yelling at you, Barney.
Barney: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly landing on a leaf about three blocks away.

[flashback to Barney and Marshall on the street:]
Marshall: This is me yelling at you, Barney!
Barney: Okay, you got some volume, now give me some content. Make it hurt.
Marshall: You don't look as good in suits as you think you do!
Barney: No, something that's true. Come on. The man made you cry. Make me cry.
Marshall: Your mom's a slut!
Barney: Yes.
Marshall: Your mom's a slut, and I'm sorry, Barney, but you and your brother clearly have different fathers, And you know why? It's probably because your mom is a slutty slut!
Barney: Keep going.
Marshall: I don't care what you say. Bob Barker is not your father!
Barney: Okay, now, well, that's just not cool.
Marshall: Oh, my God, Barney, I'm so sorry...
Barney: No, I'm kidding. Keep going.