Lily: Hey, baby.
Marshall: Beer.
Lily: Are you okay?
Marshall: Beer.
[at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: [finishes beer]
Ted: Okay, what happened?

Marshall: [v.o.] Then you get in the trenches side by side with your buddies. And you feel a sense of camaraderie. But before too long...
[Marshall's superior enters his office:]
Arthur: Hey, Marshall.
Marshall: ...the shells start to fall. Hello, Arthur.
[present:]
Marshall: Arthur Hobbes is one of the senior partners at my firm, and he's... He's my boss. He seems like a nice guy, but he's got a nickname, Artillery Arthur.
[flashback:]
Arthur: How's your morning going?
Marshall: It's going fine. How is yours?
Arthur: Not too bad, not too bad. Hey, is Ferguson in yet?
Marshall: He is, he's in... Just in his office next door.
Arthur: That's great. Have a good one, buddy.
Marshall: You, too.
[Arthur leaves Marshall's office]
Marshall: [v.o.] You never know who's gonna get hit...
Arthur: [o.s.] Hey, Ferguson! I read your report, and it's complete crap! No, you know what? That's an insult to crap. If crap could eat and then crap stuff out, it's that! Your report is the crap that crap craps! If you last two more days here, I'll be shocked! Shocked!
[There's a loud thud, Marshall's wall shakes and a hanging photograph falls down]

Marshall: [v.o.] It was brutal, But the worst was a few minutes later.
[flashback:]
[Ferguson stands at the door to Marshall's office:]
Ferguson: Did you hear that?
Marshall: Yeah, sorry.
Ferguson: Can you believe he did that on Take Your Daughter to Work Day?
[A little girl emerges from her father's shadow]

Marshall: So that brings us to today.
Lily: Oh, no.
Marshall: A little background. So I'm working on this report called "Using 23-B-3 spurious class action precedent to contest a class certification order based on a lack of commonality, and numerosity..."
Ted: Dude, you lost us. Can't you just call it something cool like "The Ninja Report"?
Marshall: Okay. yeah, fine, whatever. Um, so I'm supposed to turn in The Ninja Report yesterday. But I got insanely busy with other stuff, I didn't get a chance to finish it, and then this morning...
[flashback:]
[Marshall is in his office on the phone. Marshall hears Arthur talking to Ferguson in the next office]
Arthur: [o.s.] Hey, Ferguson.
Ferguson: [o.s.] Hey, Arthur.
Arthur: How's your day going?
Marshall: I gotta go. [hangs up]
Ferguson: [o.s.] Great. How is yours?
Arthur: [o.s.] Great, great... Hey, is Marshall in yet?
Ferguson: Oh, thank god. Yeah, he's right in there.
Arthur: Fantastic. Have a good one, buddy.
[Arthur enters Marshall's office]
Marshall: [.v.o.] And then... He screamed at me.

Robin: Look, Marshall, he screamed at you, you took it. He probably respects you more for it.
Marshall: Yeah, about that... So Arthur's busy giving me the full screaming treatment, face turning red, vein in his forehead about to burst, spittle flying like shrapnel. Everyone you work with walking by your office, peering in. And suddenly, I just felt all of it.
Ted: All of what?
Marshall: All of it. The fact that I became a lawyer to save the environment, and now I'm working for the bad guys instead. The fact that I am stuck in this job because of a mortgage I can barely afford on an apartment that is crooked. The fact that I am a grown man, and nobody, not even Artillery Arthur, has the right to talk to me like that!
Lily: Uh-oh.
[Flashback to Arthur screaming at Marshall in his office:]
Marshall: [v.o.] I begged my body not to do it. But it was no use. [Marshall starts crying]

Barney: Dude, I can't believe you cried in front of your boss.
Marshall: I don't know what happened. There's just something about being yelled at like that, like I was being scolded by my dad. Suddenly... Suddenly, I was a little boy.
Robin: Is "boy" the right word?

Marshall: I felt absolutely powerless. Flaccid. Hell, I... I felt castrated.
Lily: God, you're hot right now.

Marshall: And the worst thing is, tomorrow morning I have to walk into Arthur's office and give him The Ninja Report.
Robin: Ooh.
Barney: Ninjas are cool.

Marshall: How does that help me? How does any of this help me? Can somebody, for God's sakes, please give me one piece of useful advice?
Barney: Lily, control your woman.

Lily: When dealing with a bully, the most important thing is to be constructive and positive.
[fantasy scene:]
Lily: Hello, Arthur.
Arthur: Hello, Marshall.
Lily: I have The Ninja Report right here. But Arthur, in the future, if you want someone to do their best work, try to motivate them, not with fear and intimidation, but through encouragement, inspiration and respect.
Arthur: Well said, Marshall, I needed to hear that. By the way, I saw your wife's picture in your office. That is one tasty slice.
Lily: Oh, you're damn right. You know what I'm gonna do when I get home?
Arthur: Oh, yeah.
Lily: I'm gonna rip that girl's clothes off...
Arthur: That's it.
Lily: Just throw her on the bed...
Arthur: That's where she belongs.
Lily: And drive her home like a pack of sled dogs!
[present:]
Lily: It's bad, guys. Mama needs it bad.