Lily: No way. The girl who thought he had 12 hours to live has way more cause to ruin his life than the girl he faked proposed to.
Robin: It's fake proposal girl. I mean, she hired a wedding planner!
Ted: It's 12 hours to live! That girl flew them both to Paris!
Robin: Oh, she only bought him a one-way ticket!
Barney: Okay, okay, everybody! Hands.
Marshall, Lily and Ted: 12 hours to live!
Robin: Damn it!

Barney: Okay, toss up. "Thought I was Jorge Posada," or "You have my dead wife's kidney?"
Ted: Kidney!
Robin: Jorge Posada!
Lily: She bought Yankees season tickets to watch him play!
Barney: That's true...
Marshall: It's "Dead Wife's Kidney." How are we even discussing this?

Barney: Ah, there she is.
Lily: Ooh and she's holding hot coffee. Maybe she'll throw it in your face.
Barney: You're really enjoying this, aren't you?
Lily: I'm making a scrapbook. [takes a photo of Barney]

Barney: I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all the horrible things that I have done to them. And I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point, I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I'm the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all of the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize.
Lily: Oh, Barney! Oh, I'm so proud of you. That's not her. I'm so sorry.

Barney: The same thing happened at the pet store yesterday.
Marshall: Pet store?
Ted: Single girl, mid-twenties, looking for a canine replacement for the boyfriend who just dumped her. Instead, finds Barney.
Barney: God bless you, Ted. You're reading my blog.
Ted: I'm really bored at work.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, back when we were younger, your Uncle Marshall and I were really into college basketball. Every year, March Madness would take over the entire apartment.
Robin: [entering] Hey. What's with the blackboard?
Ted: It's our NCAA bracket.
Marshall: Big board equals big luck!
Lily: Hey, that looks familiar, where did you get it?
[flashback to Marshall arriving at Lily's classroom with flowers. The only person there is the cleaner]
Marshall: Hello. Uh, I'm looking for my wife, Ms.Aldrin.
Cleaner: There's no school today. It's Saturday.
Marshall: Of course. How could I forget?
Cleaner: Dumb ass. [exits]
[Ted comes in and helps Marshall take the blackboard]
Ted: Big board!
Marshall: Big luck!
[present:]
Marshall: We found it. No big deal.

Marshall: Anyway, every year, Ted and I go in together on this big money pool out in Staten Island.
Ted: Yeah. The winner gets $100,000 stuffed in a duffel bag.
Marshall: And you get to keep the duffel bag.
Lily: Why do you guys put yourselves through this? You lose every year.
Ted: That's because in the past, we were just guessing. This year, we watched every game, read box scores, tracked injuries. This isn't March Madness. This is March Meticulously Thought-outness.
Barney: Your team lost 20 minutes ago.
Ted: I didn't know they were playing today.

[flashback to Barney at a pet store:]
Barney: I'd call your ex a dog, but that would be an insult to little Ladybug here.
Woman: Oh, I just want to take her home right now.
Barney: Not without a chew toy from Uncle Barney first. [v.o.] And when I got back... [dialogue] I'm sorry, I'm already spoiling her but diamond in the rough... Could your heart just melt?
Woman: [slaps Barney] Jerk!

Barney: Why does this keep happening?
Lily: Maybe you're not as good a liar as you think you are.
Barney: Oh, really? Then why am I not in prison for perjury? But I don't want to talk about work.

Barney: Alan Alda. It was Alan Alda.
Lily: You never gonna believe what just happened.
[flashback to two minutes earlier:]
Barney: Who was that, um, guy from M*A*S*H? The main guy. What... Hawkeye from M*A*S*H. How can I be blanking on this?
Lily: Alan Alda?
Barney: No.
[Barney stands up and goes away. A woman approaches Lily.]
Woman: Hey, a word of advice? That guy you were talking to, Barney Stinson... I know he seems charming, but he's just saying whatever it takes to get in your pants. Sleeping with Barney was the biggest mistake of my life.
[present:]
Barney: Oh, my God. Where is she?
Lily: Oh, she must have left. She...
Barney: Well, she-she said I hooked up with her? What was her name? What did she look like?
Lily: She didn't say her name, but she had blonde hair, boobs. Kind of trashy.
Barney: Dead in the eyes with an aura of self-loathing and despair?
Lily: Yes!
Barney: That's all of them. Okay. Stay calm. Let's think this through. One of the girls who I lied to, seduced and abandoned is trying to ruin my life. Shouldn't be too hard to figure out which one it is. [starts working through all the women he's dated] Oh, dear God!