Lily: Oh, Barney, you're never gonna figure out which one of these is the mystery woman. All of these women have a right to hate you.
Robin: Oh, Lily, come on, lighten up. I mean, any girl who's gonna be with a guy like Barney and do this or that, or this and that, or do this with those in that... Huh. I mean, she should have known what she was getting into.
Barney: Absolutely. And what I do with these women should be between me and them. And you guys. And Heloise. She helped me do the decoupage.

Lily: I don't know, Barney. I don't recognize any of these women. I mean, some minor celebrities, one government official, and what appears to be a national fast food chain mascot.

Barney: This is impossible. There's too many girls. How the hell am I gonna narrow this down?
[later, in the apartment at the black board:]
Barney: The top 64 women I've slept with, split into four regions. This tournament will systematically narrow down which girl has the most cause to hate my guts. Last girl standing has to be the saboteur.
Lily: Absolutely not, Barney. We are not going to make a game out of the women you've tricked into sleeping with you. No way!
[Barney picks up two crates of beer and the games begin.]

Lily: Fake baby!
Marshall: Lost at sea!
Ted: Fake baby!
Marshall: Lost at sea!
Ted: I was there. Trust me. It's fake baby.

Barney: Down to the sweet 16. And coming out of the Upper West Side, we have the number three seed, "Girl who thought I owned Google," up against the number seven seed, "Girl who thought I was a scuba instructor."
Ted: You got to go scuba instructor.
Robin: You're kidding me!
Ted: She got the bends!
Barney: Yeah, she did.

Marshall: Evil twin!
Ted: Prince of Norway! How could it not be Prince of Norway?!
Robin: Barney, you're the tiebreaker.
Barney: I'm going with Evil Twin.
Ted: You're kidding me!
Barney: Sorry, but I did sleep with that girl twice. As Barney and Larney.

Barney: Okay, we're down to the Final Four. What do you think, people? Come on, dig deep.
Robin: Oh, I can't decide. It could be any one of them.
Lily: Is that the blackboard from my classroom?

Barney: Okay, there's her building. When she comes out, I'm gonna hide, and once you figure out if she's the girl from the bar, we run like hell.
Lily: No.
Barney: What do you mean, no?
Lily: That woman, like every woman in your Final Four, deserves an apology, and I'm not telling you if she's the one until hear you say, "I'm sorry."
Barney: Are you nuts? That would involve me speaking to a woman I've already had sex with, which, frankly, is a little like changing the oil in a rental car.

Lily: Barney, you're doing this.
Barney: Lily, this girl hates me. I hooked up with her in an apartment I was pretending was my own, told her I loved her, and then ditched her there. She got arrested for trespassing, bit a cop, and spent eight days in jail. Oh, crap, there she is! If she sees me, she's gonna kill me!

Meg: Barney?
Barney: [to Lily] If she kills me, I want you to go into my apartment, grab the metal briefcase under my bed and throw it in the East River.