Lily: Look, Ted, it gets exhausting constantly giving people advice they haven't asked for, so I'm training Marshall.
Marshall: My goal is to eventually say things that are so sassy and wise, that there is no possible response other than "mm" or "mm-hmm". And if this is a place where we can share our dreams - I like to think that it is - I hope someday to earn a "testify".

Victoria: There's a reason that you're not a hundred percent in this with me, Ted. Something's holding us back.
Ted: Well, what is it? I think we've established I'm not great at picking up on clues... Well, in this situation. As a kid, I was known as a bit of a detective. In fact, when my friend's retainer went missing, the Mosby Boys were put
on the case, and it was...
Victoria: The retainer was in the garbage. The Mosby Boys were you, your sister, and a neighborhood squirrel you thought you had tamed.
Ted: I can't believe Squirrel-lock Holmes turned on us like that. Eight weeks of training down the drain.

Barney: Guys, I've got a new bro. A bro that puts all other bros to shame. The bitches love him. [laughs] He buries bones all day. [giggles] No one chases tail like him. Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh, wait, I probably should have led with this: He's a dog. I've named him Brover. I'll go... fetch him.

Barney: Guys, Brover is not only the best bro I've ever had, he's amazing with the ladies.
Nick: I'm sorry, don't you think it's a little pathetic to use a dog to pick up chicks?
Barney: Sir, wingmanship is a two-way street. [v.o.] If Brover meets a cutie, I'll take the hit and chat up the chubby lady friend. Sometimes I'll be the jerk, so Brover can swoop in and be the hero. And like any good wingman, I gather as much intel as I can right up front.
[flashback to Barney and Brover approaching a woman and her dog on the street:]
Barney: How old's your dog?
Woman: She's five.
Barney: Oh. What's that in dog years?
Woman: Like, 35.
Barney: We're done here.

Robin: You ready to say good-bye?
Barney: Thanks for coming with me.
Robin: Oh, well, you did the same for me back when I had to give away all my dogs. Remember?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we drove to your aunt's farm upstate. She was awesome. I love how she was this wise, old, chilled out, lesbian farmer.
Robin: No, no, no. She's not a lesbian. Nor does she farm them. No, that woman she lives with, that's just her special friend Maureen. They've lived together for... Oh.

Ted: Oh, come on, that was a joke.
Lily: Women over 30 don't joke when it comes to commitment.
Ted: Victoria is happy we're taking things slow.
Lily: [laughs]
Marshall: Oh, oh, honey/sweetie/baby, no 32-year-old woman is happy taking things slow. Trust me, Victoria has got friends from high school posting pictures of second babies on Facebook.
Lily: Mm-hmm.
Marshall: And you think girlfriend's all like, "Oh, let's just bone a bunch so I'm another year older and still single"? Bitch, please. [Lily and Marshall high five]

Lily: That was Victoria asking you to move to Denver with her.
Ted: What? Then, why wouldn't she just come right out and say what she wants?
Marshall: Men. It's like, if there weren't pickle jars to open and spiders to kill and computers to back up, what would be their point?
Lily: Mm-hmm.
[Lily and Marshall snap their fingers]
Ted: Okay, when did Marshall become a slightly more feminine you?

Ted: Look, Victoria and I are five months in and we're right where we should be. All right, we're cosigning birthday cards, we got toothbrushes at each other's places, foreplay's out the window. I'm in, I'm out, I'm sleeping, it's great.
Lily: It's more than five months. You guys dated before, that time counts. The clock doesn't reset to zero. It un-pauses from where you left off.
Ted: No way. No way. The clock resets. [Lily and Marshall laugh] Wait, so this is what you guys do? You invite other couples over for dinner to judge them and feel superior?
Lily: Oh, grow up, Ted, that's why any couple invites anyone over ever.

Lily: Marshall, I want you to take this one. You're ready.
Marshall: Oh, I don't know. Although I do hear this little voice in the back of my head trying to tell me something.
Lily: That's your inner goddess. Listen to her, channel her.
Marshall: [Southern accent] If Victoria quenches your thirst like a tall glass of sweet tea on a hot July day...
Ted: Marshall, why is she Southern?
Lily: Don't let him break the connection.
Marshall: Well, you got to make an honest woman out of her.
Ted: Okay, I'm leaving.
Marshall: But... But, if not, well, then, sugar, you got to let that nightingale spread her wings and soar to her own beautiful tomorrow.
Lily: Testify.

Barney: [to Brover] You've been a hell of a wingman. And even though I think it's kind of gross when you pleasure yourself orally, don't ever think that means I'm not impressed.
Robin: Hey, do you think that Barney's gonna be okay bringing Brover back?
Nick: Yeah, he'll be fine.
Barney: It's not just the ability to go to town on yourself, but you do it with such joie de vivre.