Lily: Look, Ted, it gets exhausting constantly giving people advice they haven't asked for, so I'm training Marshall.
Marshall: My goal is to eventually say things that are so sassy and wise, that there is no possible response other than "mm" or "mm-hmm". And if this is a place where we can share our dreams - I like to think that it is - I hope someday to earn a "testify".

Victoria: There's a reason that you're not a hundred percent in this with me, Ted. Something's holding us back.
Ted: Well, what is it? I think we've established I'm not great at picking up on clues... Well, in this situation. As a kid, I was known as a bit of a detective. In fact, when my friend's retainer went missing, the Mosby Boys were put
on the case, and it was...
Victoria: The retainer was in the garbage. The Mosby Boys were you, your sister, and a neighborhood squirrel you thought you had tamed.
Ted: I can't believe Squirrel-lock Holmes turned on us like that. Eight weeks of training down the drain.

Barney: Guys, Brover is not only the best bro I've ever had, he's amazing with the ladies.
Nick: I'm sorry, don't you think it's a little pathetic to use a dog to pick up chicks?
Barney: Sir, wingmanship is a two-way street. [v.o.] If Brover meets a cutie, I'll take the hit and chat up the chubby lady friend. Sometimes I'll be the jerk, so Brover can swoop in and be the hero. And like any good wingman, I gather as much intel as I can right up front.
[flashback to Barney and Brover approaching a woman and her dog on the street:]
Barney: How old's your dog?
Woman: She's five.
Barney: Oh. What's that in dog years?
Woman: Like, 35.
Barney: We're done here.