Marshall: Man, is this place a chain or something?
Man: One for dinner?
Marshall: No. I am here to meet her.
Ted: Bro.

Marshall: Can you teach me accuracy?
Ted: I can. The proper question is, will I? Grammar is the first step on the thousand-mile journey to accuracy.
Marshall: I'm assuming there's no Mrs. The Calligrapher.
Ted: The path I've chosen is Ionesome. But it's no big deal. I prefer being alone. I really do. Unless you know any single ladies you could set me up with...
Marshall: Nope.
Ted: Good, because I prefer being alone.

Ted: Also, I'm sorry, but I retired from teaching long ago.
Marshall: Retired? You're like 35.
Ted: I'm 34.
Marshall: Oh, sorry.
Ted: I use moisturizer every night. I thought my skin still looked vibrant.
Marshall: It does, it does.

[fantasy:]
Marshall: Look, I'm really just here to finish my training. Um, so look, the truth is... I have a divorced cousin just outside of Akron. Now, I wouldn't call Janice easy on the eyes or the springs of a bathroom scale, but if you want I could set you up.
Ted: Sold. Now, the most important lesson in learning accuracy... [coughs]
[reality:]
Marshall: He was dying right before my eyes. So I did the only thing that I could think to do.
[fantasy:]
Marshall: Please.
[reality:]
Marshall: I slapped his back. And that's when I found out why "No slapping until your training is complete" is the most important rule, because my slap was too powerful. I hadn't learned accuracy and so I couldn't control it. And, well...
[fantasy of Ted's heart being slapped out of his body:]
Marshall: No!

Barney: Stop it. Just stop. You did not slap the heart out of a man's body.
Marshall: If only that were true.
Barney: You're saying that you committed a murder?
Marshall: I was trying to save him.

Barney: You're making this whole story up.
Marshall: I wish that I were. Because of the tragedy, I never got to finish my training. I never learned accuracy. Because of that, I shall remain forever... a mere slapprentice.
Lily: What does that mean, baby?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Here's what it meant.
[present: Marshall's hand misses Barney's face:]
Barney: Whoa! Huh? Ah! [runs off]
Marshall: Damn it.

Barney: Please, somebody, help me! There's a crazy guy trying to slap me and he's... Oh, my God. Four women and a willow tree. At least there's no tiger. [they reveal their knitting] Oh, my God. Is that... half a tiger?
Woman: You got here early.
Barney: [screams]
Marshall: It's time.

Barney: But you never completed your training.
Marshall: Actually...
[flashback to Marshall being taught by The Calligrapher:]
Ted: Listen to me, I must speak fast. Once you've had your heart slapped out of your body, you've only got 10, 15 minutes to live. Max.
Marshall: Sure.
Ted: The trick to accuracy is to, like, try to be really accurate, okay? Don't just slap, like, really try to aim. Look where you're slapping. That's important. And then try to slap that spot instead of some other spot. Well, I guess that's pretty much it. You can slap people now. Unh!
Marshall: He's gone.
Ted: One other thing. Cleveland has a lot to offer. Be sure to check out the James A. Garfield monument. He was only president for four months before he was assassinated. But if you get up to the top, you can see almost 30 miles as long as the steel factory's not smelting. Ugh! Agh!
Marshall: He's gone.
Ted: No, like I said, 10, 15 minutes. Oh, God, this is awkward.
Marshall: Yeah, yeah.
Ted: It's like when you're saying goodbye to someone... then you realize you're both headed in the same direction. It's like, "What, do we say goodbye again or..." Unh. Agh!
Marshall: He's gone. Wait, are you just pretending so it'll be less awkward? [Ted nods] Should I just, like, go or? [Ted nods] Okay.

Marshall: My training is complete. I'm ready.
Barney: I'm ready too.
Robin: I love you.
Barney: Enough to take this slap for me?
Robin: No.

Barney: Good one, you got me that time.
Marshall: Hey, only one slap left.
Barney: Crazy. Where did the time go.
Marshall: I know, it's like, slow down, life.
Barney: Hey, was that a fake jukebox?
Marshall: Yeah, fake jukebox.
Barney: Nice, nice.