[fantasy:]
Marshall: [v.o.] As my training continued, I also learned the delicate art of Chinese painting.
Robin: That looks nothing like this bowl of fruit.
Marshall: [v.o.] My training went on for a year.
[back:]
Barney: A year?
Marshall: A year.
Barney: One year? None of us noticed you were stuck in Shanghai for a year?
Marshall: I wasn't being held slaptive, I chose to stay and complete my training.
Barney: I'm not even gonna... Just, whatever.

Robin: You have shown great slaptitude, young one. You are ready for your final test. Slap me.
Marshall: What?
Robin: Slap me now.
Marshall: No, Red Bird, I can't.
Robin: Slap me. That is not a request.
Marshall: I won't.
Robin: The Vikings will never win the Super B... [slapped] Wait, how did you...? [slapped] Lucky shot, I wasn't re...
[slapped] That's a big tip. You must have much gold... [slapped] You are ready for your final step.

Marshall: Awesome. Oh, man, I can't wait to slap Barney Stinson right across his stupid fa... [slapped multiple times] What? What did I say?
Robin: You must not slap anyone until your training is complete. The consequences could be dire. First you must meet White Flower, the second master, who will teach you strength. She lives atop a mountain.
Marshall: Which mountain?
Robin: No. Not Witch Mountain. Slap Mountain.

Barney: Hate to cut in again, but Slap Mountain?
Marshall: That's right.
Barney: You're claiming there's a mountain in China in the exact shape of a hand?
Marshall: Everyone knows that. Right?
Lily: Totally.
Ted: I backpacked there in college.
Marshall: It's the largest of the Slappalachian Mountains. And at the top...

Marshall: Excuse me. Do you know where I can find White Flower?
Man: How dare you speak that name? That is the most feared name in 40 villages.
Marshall: Really? White Flower? I'm sorry, just it's not exactly Voldemort.
Man: Bro. Why don't you just say Candyman three times and be done with it? Jeez.

Marshall: Awesome. Can you teach me how to do that?
Lily: No, I retired from teaching long ago.
Marshall: Retired? You're like 32.
Lily: I am 106 years old.
Marshall: What is in these noodles?

[fantasy:]
Lily: The true power of any slap comes from the anger behind it. So for a truly devastating slap, you must harvest the anger of many. Every time someone who hates Barney slaps you in the face, the power of their anger goes from your face into your hand.
Marshall: White Flower and I made love that night in the forest.
[reality:]
Barney: No, sorry, flag on the play. You banged White Flower?
Marshall: I made love to White Flower. And then I banged her.
Barney: In the forest?
Marshall: In Gongqing Forest, yes. Actually, right near the Slapping Tree. Which may or may not have come into play.
Robin: Oh, my God, you had a tree-way? [Marshall and Robin high-five]
Barney: And, Lily, you were okay with Marshall having an affair?
Lily: What happens in the magical Gongqing Forest, stays in the magical Gongqing Forest.
Marshall: Best wife ever.

Lily: Like I was saying, you need to harvest the anger of others into your own slap. Now dig deep. Can you think of anyone, anyone at all, who hates Barney Stinson? [laughs] I know, I almost couldn't get through it with a straight face.
Marshall: There are just so many people who hate Barney's guts.

Lily: Point is you need to go get slapped in the face by a bunch of gullible chicks Barney banged.
[montage of Marshall greeting women and them slapping him:]
Marshall: I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Ooh!
Marshall: I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Ugh.
Marshall: I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Oh!
Marshall: Unh.
Woman: I'm sorry, I thought you said you were a friend of Barney Stinson.
Marshall: I did. Oh.
Marshall: Oh! Unh! Wow. Could you also slap me in the face?
Woman #2: God, you're just as perverted as Barney.
Marshall: Oh!

Marshall: [v.o.] And after a while...
Marshall: Look at this thing. It's all hot and glowy. I'll never have cold pizza again. I'll never have cold pizza again.
Lily: Silence.
Marshall: Sorry, White Flower. I've just got a slappetite for destruction. Thanks for everything. I'm gonna go slap Barney Stinson in his stupid face.
Lily: Wait, first you must go learn accuracy from the one who is called The Calligrapher in the far-off, mystical land of Cleveland.