Ted: See? That right there is what free will gets you. Constant, ego-shattering uncertainty. I'm done with that. I want what Ranjit has. I've spent my entire adult life looking for the perfect woman, and I'm spending Valentine's Day scrubbing the toilet. I need someone else to find me that woman. Marshall, Lily, "arranged marriage" me.

Ted: It's the picking I suck at. I pick the wrong girls. But, you guys, you're the best pickers I know. You picked each other.
Lily: Oh, well, with a slight assist from the Wesleyan housing department.
Marshall: And a healthy splash of Drakkar Noir.
[Lily and Marshall high five]

Robin: Thank you. And Don is, and always will be, a rabbit.
Ted: Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that, Robin. Think about it. Don, Donald, Donald Duck.
[Marshall gasps]
Ted: And what, I wonder, does Donald Duck never wear?
Lily: Pants.
Ted: Pants. Don's a duck. Permission to say "lawyered"?
Marshall: I'll allow it.
Ted: Lawyered.

Barney: MacLaren's Pub.
Ranjit: MacLaren's Pub.
[At MacLaren's, Barney greets a gold-medalist Japanese figure skater:]
Barney: Well, hello.
Natalia: I realize that you're very busy, so I'll just get straight to the point.
Barney: Okay.
[The woman raises her leg behind her head and uses her toe to open her beer bottle]
Woman: And that's my bad leg. Very bad. [Barney's cell phone rings] Are you okay?
Barney: Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be? [tries to resist answering the phone, fails] Go for Barney.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Barney had been sure that phone was something he loved. But now he realized it wasn't that at all. It was something else entirely.
[Barney imagines he's holding a rabbit instead of his phone. He does a double take and sees his cell phone again. Barney runs out of MacLaren's and dumps his phone in the dumpster out back.]
Barney: [groaning] I'm free!
[Natalia joins Barney in his bedroom:]
Barney: Ah, now this feels right. There is no place I would rather be, and no one I would rather be... [cell phone rings in the distance]
Natalia: What's wrong?
Barney: Did you hear that?
Natalia: Hear what?
Barney: Ssh. [cell phone continues ringing]

Barney: MacLaren's Pub!
Ranjit: MacLaren's Pub!
[Barney runs through MacLaren's to the alley way out back, where he dives in the dumpster and retrieves his phone]
Barney: Go for Barney. D-cups? Really?

Future Ted: [v.o.] So, we went to Don's party.
Ted: Look, Robin, I don't wanna crowd you on your little date here, so if things start to get hot and heavy with Don...
Robin: They're not gonna get hot...
Ted: I'm just saying, if they do, I'll just say, "Well, I got a dinner rez," and then... Wait, this is the best part. I've been working on this for a while. I'll duck out.
Robin: [sarcastically] Ha, ha, ha. Okay, it's not gonna happen. But, yeah, do that.

Marshall: We got her. It's the craziest thing. We were searching all week, and then, a couple of hours ago...
[flashback to Marshall and Lily at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: Trudy?
Lily: Married.
Marshall: Blah, blah?
Lily: Committed.
Marshall: Relationship?
Lily: Bellevue.
Marshall: Natalie?
Lily: Ted's her least favorite person in the world.
Marshall: Well, she's not getting any younger.

[flashback to Marshall and Lily in MacLaren's talking about setting Ted up on a date:]
Barney: Get rid of it!
Marshall: What?
Barney: This phone is cursed. Cursed, I tell you! I try to ignore it, but it just never stops ringing! It's ruining my life! I should get that. [Marshall takes the phone] No. Please! Please! Please, Marshall. Let me answer it. It could be an emergency. She could be trapped in a giant bra!
Ranjit: Barney, Barney, let it go... to voicemail.
[Ranjit carries a sobbing Barney out of MacLaren's:]

Ted: It's a phone girl?
Marshall: I know, I know. No. But, no, then we met her. And, Ted, she's a world-class violinist. She's a gourmet cook. And she can quote every line from Caddyshack!
Ted: Wow.
[later, Ted arrives at the date:]
Natalia: Hello, Ted. "And what brings you to this nape of the woods? "Neck of the wape? Why are you here?"
Future Ted: [v.o.] So, we all had dinner. And, kids, Lily and Marshall's hard work had paid off, because that girl was terrific. In fact...
Marshall: Oh, but, Natalia, tell Ted the problem.
Lily: Yeah. Yeah. Tell him. Tell him.
Natalia: Well, unfortunately, I'm going to have to leave the country soon because my visa is about to expire.
Lily: [whispers] She needs to get married.
Marshall: Federal law expressly dictates that a foreign national can't maintain residency for longer than
six months without a work visa. Sorry.
Future Ted: [v.o.] But when it came down to it...
Waiter: And you, sir, the rabbit or the duck?
Ted: What?
Waiter: It's a prix fixe menu for Valentine's Day, and we're already out of the steak, fish and chicken. So, rabbit or duck?
Ted: Rabbit. Sorry, guys. I gotta go.
Marshall: Why would Ted order rabbit if he was just gonna run out?

Barney: I need it back! Where's the phone? [to Natalia] Well, hello. Oh, I met you already. Where's the phone?
Lily: It's hidden.
Barney: Where?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Where had Aunt Lily hidden the phone? Well, to answer that question, we have to back up a little bit.
[flashback to Ted and Robin in the apartment earlier:]
Robin: You go on your date. Happy Valentine's Day.
["Turkey in the Straw" ringtone plays. Ted goes over to the piano, lifts the cover and finds a phone]
Ted: Barney's phone. I wonder how it got in there.
Robin: Ted? Come on, big date.
Ted: Well, what's the harm? [answers phone] Hello?
Future Ted: [v.o.] And just like that, I was hooked.