Robin: Everybody hold it! Hold it! I found Janet McIntyre, who's been widowed three times. She's obviously killing her husbands!
Barney: Oh, my God! They're six minutes into the date. Ted's probably already told her that he loves her! We've got to get down there!

Kevin: Nobody's going anywhere!
Robin: Why?!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, at that moment, Kevin thought back to his earlier rule...
[flashback:]
Kevin: This real therapist won't risk upsetting his wonderful new girlfriend by analyzing her wonderful friends.
[present:]
Future Ted: ...and threw it out the window.
Kevin: You're all the most codependent, incestuous, controlling group of people I've ever met! By the way, you all look great, especially Robin.

Ted: So, how was the traffic getting here?
Janet: You picked me up at my apartment.
Ted: I certainly did. [inner monologue] Oh, my God, I've lost the ability to talk to girls without the Internet. My brain is completely shutting down.
Waiter: So, are you folks gonna have dinner or just drinks?
Ted: [nervous laughter] I-I don't know.

Robin: What the hell was that, Kevin? We're all crazy just because I'm looking up some stuff on the Internet, and Barney wants to know the baby's gender?
Kevin: Well, to be honest, I noticed some other disturbing... Never mind. It's nothing. I'm sorry.
Barney: I gots to know!
Kevin: Okay, last night alone...
[flashback to Marshall on his phone at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: When-When are you coming back? Because I miss you, silly!
[Lily sits down at the booth.]
Kevin: Wait, who's he talking to?
Ted: [on his phone, over at the bar] Shh, I'll be back soon. Yeah, you want me to bring you a pretzel?
[title card: separation anxiety]

Robin: Ted's texting me from the bathroom.
Kevin: I don't get it. It's just a "C" with an apostrophe.
Robin: Oh, yeah. Sometimes when one of us is on the can, we'll, uh, sneak a peek and then text each other,you know.
Kevin: Symbols to describe what your bowel movement looks like?
Marshall: This morning, I took an ampersand.
Lily: Last summer, I dropped a deuce that actually looked like the number two!
[title card: inappropriate social behavior]

Lily: When you worked late Wednesday, I... I got lonely and... I watched Survivor without you.
Marshall: [gasps]
[title: survivor guilt]
Kevin: Practically the only unhealthy behavior I didn't see from you people was physical violence.
[flashback reel of the gang injuring each other]
Lily: Yeah. At least we don't do that.
Kevin: And to top it off, all the meddling in Ted's love life, not to mention Lily's pregnancy? It all strikes me as
just deeply dysfunctional.
Barney: So what you're saying is, we're fine?
[title card: denial]

Kevin: Guys, I'm so sorry I said anything.
Robin: Um, you basically called my friends mentally ill.
Lily: Yeah, you think some lame apology will fix that?
Kevin: What if I just paint the rest of the room by myself?
All: Apology accepted.

Ted: Okay, let's do this. Let- Let's find out each other's likes and dislikes. Start with something totally random. Like, um, oh, I don't know. Are you a fan of, I don't know, Annie Hall?
Janet: I'm guessing that's not random at all, and you use that movie to test whether a girl is cool?
Ted: No, it's- it's the first movie that popped into...
Janet: I love Annie Hall.
Ted: Oh, thank God you're cool.

[Barney and Robin giggle as they learn the sex of Marshall and Lily's baby]
Marshall: This may have been a mistake.
Barney: Boy! Do I like babies!
Robin: Girl! ...friend, your hair looks fantastic!
Barney: Twins! was the feel-good movie of 1988.

Marshall: Okay, Barney, hey, it doesn't matter what you guys say. We're not gonna cave.
Lily: Yes, we are! Oh, just open your eyes. This gender-neutral yellow is horrible! We're clearly gonna paint over the whole thing!
Kevin: That's what you want to hear.
Lily: I gots to know!