Lily: By the way, do you guys want to come over tomorrow night for sangria and tapas?
Barney: Si. Muchas gracias.
Robin: That sounds awesome.
Lily: Great. We're also gonna paint the nursery. Oh, and a quick update on the sangria and tapas, that's cancelled.
Marshall: Mmm.

Ted: Guess what smooth son of a bitch just picked up a girl at the bar?
Lily: Barney, you're cheating on Nora already?
Ted: No, guys, it's me. Janet McIntyre. Struck up a conversation at the bar while ordering, she guessed bread right away, we laughed, it was a thing, boom, going out tomorrow night.
Robin: So, she said yes just like that?
Ted: Just like that.
Barney & Robin: There's something wrong with her.

Ted: No, no, no, no. Stop it. They always do this. Every time I go on a first date, they snap right into research mode. It started by accident.
[flashback to Ted on the street with a woman who then goes into a grocery store:]
Ted: [answers phone] Hello?
Robin: Ted, we did a little Internet research on your Mia Plumley.
Barney: We just sent you a picture of her from six months ago.
Ted: I don't understand, is Mia standing behind this morbidly obese wo... Oh, my God!
Mia: They had cookies and cream. And what you were saying about how women feel they have to starve themselves makes so much sense. Ooh, hot dogs. Score!

Ted: [v.o.] After that, background checks became standard operating procedure.
[flashback to Ted arriving back at the apartment:]
Ted: The date with Nadine went great. Unless you guys found something.
Barney: Are you sitting down?
Ted: No.
Robin: She's wanted in Florida on crystal meth charges.
Barney: She breeds pit bulls for dog fighting.
Robin: Also, the FBI...
Ted: What's this link?
Robin: Oh, she also writes online movie reviews. Anyway, she's still married to a death row inmate convicted...
Ted: [gasps] She gave Annie Hall two out of ten stars? "Slow and overrated"?
Robin: Really? That's your takeaway?
Ted: It's the Wood Man at the height of his powers. The way he broke the fourth wall by talking directly to camera? People have been ripping that off ever since.
Robin: [to camera] Can you believe this guy?

Ted: [on the phone] Paula Vincenzo. She's in the bathroom. What's wrong with her?
Robin: Total psycho. Her Facebook wall has a link to a site about dating inanimate objects. For most of last year, she was engaged... to a mini fridge.
Barney: And there's pictures: her and the mini fridge on a hike, her and the mini fridge in wine country, here's the mini fridge meeting her parents...
Robin: Run like the wind.

Barney: So what's the problem? You need us.
Ted: No, I don't, okay? I don't want a background check. I want adventure and excitement. Look, if it's a choice between mystery and history, I want mystery.

Ted: Uh, Janet. I have a theory. People don't get the chance to just discover each other anymore, so... here's my idea. Before we go out tomorrow, let's not do any prior Internet research on each other. It sounds like I'm hiding something horrible, doesn't it?
Janet: I'm pretty sure you're a serial killer.
Ted: I'm not. I'm not. It's just, you know, like, when my parents met, they didn't have the Internet, they just went out on a blind date and fell in love.
Janet: That's nice. And they're still together?
Ted: Right up to the divorce. The point is, I'd love to get to know you in person, not on my computer.
Janet: I like that. What started out sounding really creepy turned out really sweet.
Ted: That's kind of my move.

Robin: And she was on board with the whole "no Internet" thing?
Ted: She loved it.
Robin: The bitch is hiding something.
Barney: The bitch is totally hiding something.

Robin: Hey, Ted, before you leave, is Janet McIntyre M-A-C or M-C?
Ted: For the last time, I don't want to know anything about her before the date.
Barney: You might want to see this, Ted, naked pictures.
Ted: That's not Janet.
Barney: Who, now?

Lily: Barney, you don't really care abo'.
Marshall: No. You just can't stand not knowing something.
Barney: That's ridiculous! Marshall, will you... will you hold these for a second?
Marshall: Yeah, sure. Why?
Barney: Because I gots to know!