Barney: Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here, right here...
Ted: Yeah, I-I see you, Barney. right here, right here.
Barney: Good, great. Then it's time to play a little game I like to call Have...
Ted: Yeah, Barney, I...
Barney: No, no. You are not getting out of Have You Met Ted. There's a girl that you have to meet. She is perfect for you. And has... she met you? No, she has... not. Think of all the sex you're gonna have.

Ted: Barney. [they hug] We licked the Liberty Bell.
Barney: We did?
Ted: Yeah, you... You don't remember that?
Barney: Uh, I've done a lot of cool stuff, Ted. Oh, my God. I just... I just realized: Who am I gonna high-five now?
Ted: [laughs] Come on, dude.
Barney: No, no, I'm being serious. What if I see... a pack of lions fighting a tyrannosaurus? Or, better yet, what if I see boobs. Who am I... who am I gonna high-five then?
Ted: You can high-five Marshall.
Barney: Yeah, yeah. But Marshall only likes to high-five about Lily boobs.
Marshall: Oh, always. [high-fives Barney]

[24 hours after the wedding:]
Marshall: This is so strange, you know, now that Ted's gone, it's just a... a different vibe. You can just f-feel his absence. Are you kidding me?!
Ted: Oh, hey.
Lily: Ted, what are you doing here?
Ted: Just having a drink.

[24 hours after the wedding:]
Marshall: What are you doing in New York? Aren't you supposed to be in Chicago?
Ted: No... Oh. Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Both: What?
Ted: I'm not moving to Chicago.
Lily: Why?
Ted: I met a girl.
Lily: You son of a bitch!

[24 hours after the wedding:]
Marshall: What is the matter with you? How could you put us through that? That good-bye was emotionally devastating. A certain delicate flower cried all night in the shower.
Lily: And I was pretty bummed, too.
Marshall: And now you're staying because of some girl? I mean, who is this person?
Ted: The bass player from the wedding band.
Marshall: Oh, yeah, she's great.
Lily: Love her. Right, right?
Marshall: What are you... What are you doing? Calling her.
Marshall: Don't do this. Don't call her the next day. You're blowing this. Three days. You wait three days, Ted.
Lily: Oh, the three day rule is-is a childish, manipulative mind game. But yeah, you wait three days.

Woman: Come on, go talk to her. Oh, and it'll all be because of me. And I'll sing at your wedding. [laughs] You are gonna have a big wedding, right?
Ted: What? No. Just be cool, lady. Damn. And aren't big weddings kind of a young man's game? You don't have a big wedding in your 30s. If I do ever get married, I'm keeping it simple.
[flashforward to 2015:]
Barney: A hot air balloon?
Ted: Well, yeah. I mean, when you're getting married in a 17th-century castle in France and making your entrance on a stagecoach with six white horses, you kind of got to make a big exit.
Robin: How much are you spending on this?
Ted: Oh, like, a lot of money. All of my money.

[2015:]
The Mother: Hey. Hi, hi. Sorry I'm late. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Ted: Yeah, sure. Did you wire the down payment to the castle guy? I got a castle guy.
Barney: I've got, like, three castle guys. And a moat guy, so...
The Mother: I didn't wire the payment because I don't think we can get married in September.
Ted: What? What? Why?
The Mother: Because, when I do get married, I kind of want to fit in... my dress.
Ted: Why wouldn't you f... No.
The Mother: Yeah.
Ted: No.
The Mother: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Whoa.
Robin: What's going on?
Barney: She's getting a boob job.

[May 2016:]
Ted: I can't believe you got divorced without telling us. This is my mom and dad all over again. Barney, if you start brewing your own beer now and nail my prom date, so help me...
Barney: Years too late on one of those, Teddy.

[May 2016:]
Barney: Guys, it's okay. This isn't a failed marriage. It's a very successful marriage that happened to only last three years.
Marshall: You both want this? For real?
Robin: We do.
Barney: For real.
Ted: Lily, you okay?
Lily: Of course I'm not okay. This ruins everything. Now we have to choose sides, and obviously we're gonna choose Robin, but Barney has his moments.
Marshall: I really liked the boner joke of the day.

[May 2016:]
Robin: Look, you guys do not need to pick sides.
Barney: Nothing has to change.
Robin: No. We've already broken up before and we've stayed friends, remember?
Lily: As long as you promise me this won't mean we stop hanging out.
Barney: Okay.
Lily: I'm serious.
Barney: I know, but, I mean, we hardly hang out anymore anyway. They live in the suburbs now, and you two are about to have baby number three. [off Lily and Marshall's looks] Please. You're so obvious. Your gals are back up to a full C-cup, and you've been sipping her drink all night long.