[October 2016:]
Lily: I can't get out of this thing. I'm holding it. Wait, are you leaving?
Robin: Yeah, I got a big day tomorrow. I got to get some sleep.
Lily: No, you can't leave. This is a big moment. We're saying good-bye to the apartment. The whole gang has to be here.
Robin: The gang? Do you know who the gang is to me, Lily? Here's what the gang is: the gang is a married couple who I never see anymore, about to have their third kid. It's my ex-husband, hitting on slutty cops right in front of me. And it's the guy I probably should have ended up with with the beautiful mother of his child. I mean, who in their right mind would call that group of people "the gang"?
Lily: Oh.. Oh, oh, so... So what? This is all just over then? Our whole friendship is just over?
Robin: No. No, of course not. Look, we'll... We'll always be friends. It's just... never gonna be how it was. It can't be. And that doesn't have to be a sad thing. There- There's so much wonderful stuff happening in all of our lives right now. Look, more than enough to be grateful for. But the five of us hanging out at MacLaren's, being young and stupid... that's just not one of those things. That part's over. I got to go. Good night, Lily.
Lily: Good night.

[2018:]
Barney: Yes! Look at us, hanging out again. This is amazing. This is awesome! This is... [screams]
Ted: Okay. Just settle down, buddy.
Barney: No! Settling down is for losers with kids who never go out anymore. I am in charge tonight, and the earliest I am allowing anyone to go home is... 2:00 a.m.
Lily: 10:00 p.m.
Ted: 9:45.
Barney: 3:00 a.m. Guys, tonight is gonna be legen... wait for it... [long pause]
Ted: If I leave now, I could put the kids to bed.
Lily: I'll get the check.
Barney: ..dary! Legendary! Guys, the gang is back! We're back! [yells]

[2018:]
Lily: That woman is half your age. Haven't you changed, even a little?
Barney: No. I haven't. Look, I know there was a time when it seemed like I was capable of going the distance, but... if it wasn't gonna happen with Robin, then it's just not gonna happen with anyone. I am never gonna be a guy who meets a girl and, from the first time I see her, I'm just like... [to a passing woman] "You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours forever."
Woman: Really?
Barney: No, I'm just making a point. Move it along. That's not me. I'm the guy who straightens his tie, says something dirty, high-fives himself and then goes and talks to that girl over there. That's me. Can I please... just be me?
Lily: Judge Fudge?
Marshall: I'll allow it.
Barney: Then I'll a-plow it. Self-five. Stinson out.

[2019:]
Barney: [mimics retching] Glad someone can be happy on the day of a tragedy.
Lily: Aw, Barney, you know this is all fake, right? That robot's not really dead.
Barney: I'm not talking about the robot, Lily. Everyone, stop having fun! I'm about to tell a sad story! Guys, remember back in 2010 when I achieved a perfect week?
Ted: Seven girls in seven nights, sure.
Barney: Well, recently, I decided to attempt... a perfect month. I put together a brand-new playbook.
Lily: No, I can't hear this. This is just too sad.
Barney: But I haven't gotten to the sad part yet.
Lily: You're in your 40s and you have a playbook. That's the sad part.
Barney: Lily... just... Okay?

[2020:]
Ted: And that was it.
Lily: Wow. Hm. A genuine Scherbatsky sighting out in nature. At this point, that's like seeing Sasquatch.
Marshall: No, Sasquatch is a warm and affectionate creature. At this point, Robin's more like the yeti... cold and aloof. Hey, Ted. Ask me if the Abominable Snowman called.
Ted: Has the Abominable Snowman called?
Marshall: Not yeti.

[2020:]
Lily: Here we are again. Another big moment for us, and Robin's missing it.
Marshall: I know, baby. I mean, the birth of her ex-husband's love child is a bit of a stretch... but I know, baby.
Ted: Well?
Barney: It was crazy in there, but... I threw up, and now I feel better.
Marshall: Where were you?
Barney: In the can. I knew I was gonna urp, so I put this on over my suit. Number 31 won't let me in the delivery room.
Lily: We're gonna need a name eventually.
Nurse: Mr. Stinson?
Barney: Yes?
Nurse: Congratulations.
Barney: Congratulations because the blood test came back and I'm not the father?! Happy Not a Father's Day!

[2020:]
Barney: Hey.
Woman: Hi. What to join us for shots?
Barney: [chuckles] Shots? Before lunch on a Thursday? It's like you're trying to make bad decisions. You young ladies need to go home, put on some decent clothes and take a good hard look at your lives. Get! Call your parents. They're probably worried sick.
Lily: I have officially seen everything.

[2013:]
Ted: Excuse me.
The Mother: Hi.
Ted: Hi. I'm the...
The Mother: The best man. Yeah. Get in here, get in here, get in here.
Ted: Oh, thanks. Here, let me.
The Mother: Oh, okay. Thank you.
Ted: Great show tonight.
The Mother: Yeah. Oh, thank you.
Ted: You're Cindy's ex-roommate, right?
The Mother: Yeah. And you are the professor. I took one of your classes.
Ted: Really? Which one?
The Mother: Econ 305.
Ted: Econ 305. I don't teach... Oh, no.
The Mother: Oh, yeah.
Ted: Excuse me, I'm gonna jump onto the tracks now.
The Mother: No. No, no, no, don't. You were great, you were great.

[2013:]
Ted: Wait a second. This is my umbrella. I left this umbrella at Cindy's, you totally stole my umbrella.
The Mother: [laughs] What? No, I didn't. This is my umbrella. I bought this.
Ted: Excuse me. It even has my initials on it right here: T.M. Ted Mosby.
The Mother: Yeah. Look again, Ted Mosby. Those are my initials: T.M. Tracy McConnell.
Ted: Um, no, Tracy McConnell, it's T.M. Totally My umbrella.
The Mother: Uh, your T.M., Terribly Mistaken, because this umbrella has always belonged T.M.: To Me. [laughs] Although, I did lose it for a few years there. Um, so, I went to this dance club...
Ted: On St. Patrick's Day.
The Mother: ...on St. Patrick's Day.
Ted: And you left it there.
The Mother: And I left it there.
Ted: And you never thought you'd see it again.
The Mother: And I never thought I'd see it again. Funny how sometimes you just... find things.
Ted: Hi.
The Mother: Hi.

[October 2016:]
Barney: Speaking of splits, do you think I can do a split in midair like my boy David Lee Roth?
Marshall: I know you can't.
Barney: Challenge accepted.
[later:]
Barney: [o.s.] Oh, my scrotum!