Barney: You thought I was gonna freak out.
Robin: Well, I mean, a Gypsy cursed your family to become hornier and do awesome guitar solos. Can you blame me?
Barney: Look, am I bummed about James and Tom getting a divorce? Obviously. But I don't need them to make me believe in true love anymore. I've got you for that now. Oh, man, now I gotta figure out what to do with all this stuff.
Robin: Well, before we do that... um, would it be all right if I nibbled on your brother's Ding Dong?
Barney: How about we nibble on my brother's Ding Dong together?
Robin: I'd like that.
Future Ted: [v.o.] So, they cleaned all that stuff out of there and had a talk with James. And Barney didn't freak out, because here's the thing, kids. When you believe in people, people come through.

Curtis: Sorry that took so long. Please, try to enjoy your stay.
Ted: I will.
Curtis: Try to.
Ted: I will enjoy my stay.
Curtis: Try.
Ted: Not gonna try. Just... just gonna do it.
Curtis: Good for you.
Ted: Not good for me. No, just-just neutral for me.
Curtis: Attaboy.
Ted: No, at not a boy.
Curtis: It gets better.
Ted: I am fine, Curtis. Okay? I enjoy and appreciate the happiness of other people whether I am in a relationship or not. Okay? Curtis? So just-just... just go ahead and give me my one key because I am fine.
[When Ted arrives in his room, Barney's decorations for James festoon the room]
Ted: Oh, come on. I need another drink.

Future Ted: [v.o.] That afternoon at the Farhampton Inn, Aunt Lily and I tried to check in.
Ted: Are you chewing gum? You never chew gum. You shouldn't chew gum in here.
Lily: Nobody cares if I chew gum, Ted.
Curtis: Are you chewing gum?
Ted: Yes, she is. She's chewing gum.
Curtis: Ooh, can I have a piece?

Curtis: Okay, let's chew some gum and get you guys all checked in. Ms. Aldrin, how many keys will you need?
Lily: Two, please. My husband's getting in later.
Curtis: Excellent, and Mr. Mosby?
Ted: Uh, just one, please.
Curtis: Oh, oh, I-I see. Oh. Well, hang in there. You'll find somebody.
Ted: Thank you, front desk stranger.
Curtis: I'm sorry, we just... we just don't get a lot of singles here. I mean, look at this place. It's so romantic. Countless babies conceived within these walls. And one... grisly murder.

Now, are you sure that you wouldn't feel more comfortable staying at a motel?
Ted: What? No, look. I'm not some miserable, lonely person. Tell him, Lily.
Lily: It's a tough weekend for him.
Ted: Bro.
Lily: And he used to date the bride.
Curtis: Ooh, mama.
Lily: And he's the best man.
Curtis: Devastating.
Ted: Could you please just check us in?
Curtis: Oh, your rooms aren't gonna be ready for hours. But in the meantime, Ms. Aldrin, I definitely think you and your husband should check out the lighthouse. It's a beautiful view of the bay. So romantic. [to Ted] Here's the channel guide for the TV.

Lily: Don't listen to him, Ted. [phone rings] You are not alone. In fact, this whole weekend, it is going to be nothing but me and... [answers phone] Marshall! Oh, thank God, you're on your way. If I had to be here alone, I would kill myself.

Marshall: Okay, listen. If we're both going to New York, why don't we rent a car, split the drive?
Daphne: That seems like a reasonable plan. Can I help you with that diaper bag?
Marshall: Sure. Thank you. [Daphne throws the bag] Have a nice bus ride, pumpkin head!

Marshall: Hey, lady. Yeah, you just threw away your ticket to a really great road trip.
Daphne: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. You're all the way back there, and I'm all the way up here. [laughing]
Marshall: Oh, you can hear me. Get ready to be driving the jealous-mobile because our car is gonna have games, snacks, a James Patterson audio book my mother describes as "cluttering her glove box."
Daphne: Your car? I'll be in Pittsburgh before you get your car.
Marshall: We'll see about that. And if you're going to New York, you're not gonna want to go through Pittsburgh. 94 backs up around Allentown, so you're gonna want to stick on 80. Jerk face!

Marshall: [inner monologue] Come on, universe. I'm a nice guy. Send me a miracle.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And then the universe sent your Uncle Marshall... Herm.
[A elderly man slowly walks out of the staff room and approaches the free station at the car rental desk. He suddenly springs to life.]
Herm: Okay, people, let's move it along. What do you want? You want a car? You got a car. Beat it. What kind of car do you want? Too slow, you get a minivan. Next. Ah, midsize sedan. Incoming. Next.
Marshall: Yes!
Herm: You want a gas option? Nobody wants a gas option. Get out of here. Next.
Marshall: Hello. I need a car.
Herm: You've got it. That's all of them. We're all out of cars, everybody.
Daphne: Wait, no! You let this guy beat you?
Val: Ma'am, it's not a race.
Herm: That right there is why you lost.

Marshall: Maybe this is your fault. Did you ever think of that? Maybe if you had just been a little bit nicer, then you would be the one driving this lovely... What kind of car is it?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Now, kids, I don't remember the actual name of this car, but to an environmentalist like Marshall, this car was a monstrosity.
Herm: 2006 Monstrosity.
[car commercial:]
Male Singer: Monstrosity 'Cause global warming's not real.