Marshall: It's just so freaking huge!
Herm: Well, actually it's a Monstrosity Sport, so it's a little smaller.
[car commercial:]
Male Singer: Monstrosity Sport It's still freaking huge.
[reality:]
Marshall: Fine. I'll take it. But I'm also gonna need a baby seat.
Herm: We're all out of baby seats. Get out of here.
Marshall: Oh, my God. What am I gonna do?
Herm: I don't care.

James: This is worse than I thought.
Ted: I know. Showtime, no HBO?
James: No. Tom and I are getting divorced.
All: What?
Lily: That's why you look extra handsome.
James: I do get extra hot when I'm single.
Lily: Your skin looks amazing.
James: Looks amazing. I know.

Barney: Hey, sorry about that. Hey, did you guys know that Sunday is James' and Tom's anniversary? How cool is that? We're anniversary bros! Every year, we should go out and celebrate... just the two of us.
James: Listen, bro, you...
Barney: I know, I know, "Please, Barney, you don't have to get us an anniversary gift this year."
Ted: You get them an anniversary gift?
Barney: Why shouldn't I? They're the one couple that makes me believe marriage is possible.
Lily: I mean, I'm sitting right here. Thank you, Linus.

James: Barney, the thing is...
Robin: Cover your ears and hum "The Battle Hymn of the Republic""
Barney: Why?
Robin: It's for the bride.
Barney: Oh, it's for... [hums]
Robin: Okay, listen, James, my cousin Vince is a Mountie. His girlfriend is back home, but he gets gay at weddings. He's yours. I am giving you Vince. Just please, don't tell Barney. If he finds out that the only successful marriage in his life is over...
Lily: I hate everyone at this table.
Robin: It'll spook him. I don't want him getting spooked.
James: Robin, have some faith. Do you really think what you and Barney have is that fragile?
Robin: I don't want to find out.

Barney: So, James, seriously, where's Tom?
James: He can't make the wedding. He had his wisdom teeth out.
Lily: Ugh! On top of a divorce? That is rough. Uh-oh.

Robin: No! No, you are not doing this. Step away from the desk.
Barney: What are you talking about? You just found out about James and Tom, and it totally freaked you out, and now you're asking this guy to point you in the direction of the nearest, dirtiest strip club.
Curtis: Oh, well, that-that's a tough one. Uh, the nearest one that's-that's kind of dirty is The Sand Box, but the, uh... the dirtiest one that's nearby is The Crab Shed.
Robin: Dude.
Curtis: Sorry. Uh, but hey, if-if you do go, maybe you could take Ted. I'm really worried about that kid.
Barney: No, Robin, I am not going to a strip club. Especially right now. Could you imagine the day shift at The Crab Shed? [Curtis smiles]

Daphne: Just so we're clear, I pick the music.
Marshall: Of course.
Daphne: Say it. Say, "Daphne picks the music."
Marshall: Daphne picks the music.
Daphne: And you pay for gas.
Marshall: Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how much gas this thing takes? [engine revs] No, no, okay! Okay, I pay for gas.
Daphne: Good. Now, get in. It's a long ride to Phoenix.
Marshall: Say what?
Daphne: [laughs] I'm just kidding. Oh, this is gonna be fun.

James: This must be the singles table.
Ted: Guess it is. Well, it's kind of nice to be asking this question instead of answering it for a change: How are you doing?
James: I don't know. I'm trying to be happy for my brother, but, uh, I guess a person has a different perspective on weddings when he knows what's down there at the end of the aisle. It's not all champagne and frosting.
Curtis: Mr. Stinson, your room is ready. And, Ted, she's right around the corner.
Ted: Thank you, Curtis. I feel it, too.
Curtis: No, no, no, the-the housekeeper. She's in the room that's right around the corner from yours. So another hour, tops.
Ted: Sure.