Lily: All right, that's it. I want The Beatles Anthology.
Marshall: Oh, well, that's too bad. I'm keeping it! And you know the U2 box set I gave you? Look inside, all Dave Matthews.
Lily: You are evil.

Ted: Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
Alfred Mosby: Ted.
Ted: I know you've all been excited to meet...
Barney: Barney Stinson. An honor to meet the two of you. That needlepoint "Bless This Mess" pillow you made for Ted, what a stitch. Stitch! Did that just happen? [laughs]

Robin: So, I made a reservation at San Marino tonight for 8:00.
Barney: San Marino! Oh, you're serious? Yikes. No. We have to try Casa A Pezzi. Best salmon risotto I have ever had.
Virginia Mosby: I love salmon risotto.
Barney: I know.
Robin: How are we supposed to get a table at Casa A Pezzi? They're booked for weeks.
Barney: Well, lucky for you, I happen to know the head waitress, which is ironic because...
Ted: Stop it! Don't, don't!
Barney: Ironic because we both work at a homeless shelter where I serve the food. Where do you volunteer, Robin?

Barney: Anyone up for a drink at MacLaren's?
Robin: No, I'm kind of tired.
Lily: Me, too.
Ted: Yeah, I'm sure my folks are gonna want...
Alfred Mosby: I feel like I could knock back a few cervezas.
Ted: Cervezas? Did he fall?
Virginia Mosby: I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for Mass tomorrow.
Barney: St. Peter's, 8:45 a.m., it's my favorite service.
Ted: Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?
Barney: I'll save you a seat.

Barney: You know, he mentioned he was divorced last night. I totally spaced on that. Ooh, no line at the omelet station.

Marshall: Lily, I'm sorry that I said all those things.
Lily: Me, too.
Marshall: I just find it really confusing to be around you right now.
Lily: It's the same for me. I think we're probably both better off trying to keep some distance for a while.
Marshall: Yeah, I think you're right. Are you wearing a push-up bra?
Lily: Did you Mystic Tan your calves?
Marshall: I withdraw the question.

Alfred Mosby: We're sorry we didn't say anything about the divorce.
Virginia Mosby: It was wrong not to tell you.
Ted: Thank you.
Alfred Mosby: But listen, don't tell your sister.
Virginia Mosby: It would just upset her.
Ted: No, this is ridiculous! We have to start talking about stuff, and not just baseball.
Alfred Mosby: Indians won today on a walk-off double.
Ted: Against the Red Sox? Boy, that's a big win. No. No. No. We're not gonna blow past this.

Virginia Mosby: So we are definitely going to try and communicate more.
Alfred Mosby: From now on, full disclosure.
Ted: Good. Good, I think it'll be really good for the family. By the way, how's Grandma? She hasn't returned my last couple calls.
Virginia Mosby: I'm gonna get some juice.
Ted: No. No.
Alfred Mosby: You missed a great game last night. Real squeaker.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids you know that photo in the den? It was taken back in 2006, when Grandma and Grandpa came to visit me and we all went out to brunch. We all look pretty happy, right? Wrong.
Lily: I wish your face would melt off.
Marshall: I wish your eyeballs would explode.
Lily: I hate you.
Marshall: I hate you more.
Ted: I'm going to kill him.
Barney: I can't say I blame you.
Ted: No, I mean I'm seriously going to kill him.
Robin: I don't care how unpleasant it is. You have to talk to him.
Virginia Mosby: Not now.
Robin: Okay, if you don't, I will.
Virginia Mosby: Robin...! [Virginia raises her arm and knocks plates out of a waitress's hand]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Okay, for any of this to make sense, you got to understand, there are three parts to this story. Let's start with the Marshall and Lily part.

Future Ted: [v.o.] As a 30th anniversary gift, I had flown my parents to New York for the weekend.
Virginia Mosby: Oh, I forgot to tell you, your cousin Jimmy had a wonderful time at that spa he visited.
Ted: You mean the spa the judge ordered him to go to to quit cocaine?
Virginia Mosby: Coffee?
Future Ted: You know, Grandma and Grandpa didn't like to talk about things that were uncomfortable, emotional, or in any way... real.