Tim: What's in the bag?
Brad: Something that's going to cut time off my doctor's appointment.
Tim: What?
Brad: You know how the doctor makes you go pee in the cup?
Tim: That's my favorite part. Except the cup is too small. I'll go with a salad bowl for me, huh? Whew.
Brad: Yeah, well, my problem is, I can't go under pressure.
Tim: So you went in that bag?
Brad: Of course not. I put it in a yogurt container.
Randy: I think he just found a flavor that'll never catch on.

Jill: We're back.
Tim: What kept you guys?
Randy: Oh, the doctor found boysenberry yogurt in Brad's urine.
Brad: So I had to give him another sample without any fruit in it.

Randy: So if it's not a goiter, then what is it?
Jill: It also could be hypothyroidism, which just means you have an underactive thyroid, and you'd have to take a pill every day.
Tim: A very small one.
Jill: Yeah.
Randy: So you guys are treating me like this all because I might have to take a pill? I don't buy it.
Jill: Honey, we didn't wanna worry you until the test results came back, but there's also a small chance...
Tim: A very small chance.
Jill: That you might have a lump on your thyroid that eventually would have to be removed.
Randy: So I'd need an operation?
Tim: A very small one.
Randy: Would I have a scar?
Tim: A very small one.
Jill: Dr. Kaufman is going to call by 6:00 tonight.
Tim: She's a very small doctor.

Jill: [answers phone] Hello? Oh, Al. What? We don't have a milkman. I don't know what you're talking about. Al, look, I can't talk right now, OK? I'll see ya later.

Tim: Hey, Randy.
Randy: What are you doing here?
Tim: Lookin' for you. Your mom and I were worried. You know better than to take off without telling us.
Randy: Then we're even.
Tim: What do you mean?
Randy: Couple little things you didn't tell me, either, Dad.
Tim: What are you talking about?
Randy: Like, I might have cancer.
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where did you get that information?
Randy: Off the computer at school. Said that sometimes these kind of lumps can be malignant.
Tim: Randy, look, the chances of this lump being malignant are next to nothing.
Randy: How could you not tell me about this?
Tim: Because we didn't want you freakin' out, okay?
Randy: So instead I read it on a computer sitting in the school library all by myself?
Tim: Hey, your mom and I... that's the last thing we wanted you to do. I'm sorry about that, and she will be, too.

Tim: I know you're scared. You know, I know how you feel.
Randy: [sobs] No, you don't. I don't wanna die, Dad.
Tim: Oh, come on, man, you're not gonna die. Even if you had cancer, which you don't, you do not have that. It's a treatable kind, OK? Huh? [Randy hugs Tim] Hmm? Hey, come on, come on. We'll beat this thing, no matter what it is. I'm not lettin' anything happen to you.

Jill: How could you possibly go to work today?
Tim: If I just sit around here and wait for the doctor to call, I'll go crazy. I gotta keep busy, which is something you should think about.
Jill: I'm gonna be plenty busy going over and over this in my mind.
Tim: Honey, come on. It'll be all right.
Jill: I can't believe it. I mean, yesterday, everything's fine. Today, it's about something as serious... [Brad walks in]
Tim: As fabric softeners.
Jill: Yeah, well, you know, there's nothing worse than static cling. That's why we need fabric softener.

Jill: It's about the doctor. Dr. Medwick wanted the extra blood test because he was concerned about something that he felt in Randy's neck.
Tim: What did he feel?
Jill: Some swelling.
Tim: Swelling?
Jill: Yeah. So he sent us across the hall to this endocrinologist, Dr. Kaufman, and she thought she felt a lump.
Tim: What kind of a lump?
Jill: A lump on his thyroid gland. She said they're usually benign.
Tim: Oh, God.
Jill: No, benign is the good one.
Tim: Oh, good.

Jill: But there is a chance, a very slight chance that it could be malignant. She said that it's usually very treatable. It also could be something they call hypothyroidism.
Tim: Hypo what?
Jill: It's an underactive thyroid. It just means he'd have to take a pill every day for the rest of his life, but other than that, he'd be totally normal.
Tim: Ahem, boy... So it's either a lump or hypothymaster?
Jill: Hypothyroidism.

Jill: Now, there's a third possibility, and that is that it could just be a simple goiter.
Tim: A goiter?!
Jill: That's nothing.
Tim: So we want a goiter?
Jill: Yes, we want a goiter. You know, a goiter is just a swelling, but it means that the thyroid is functioning normally.