Home Improvement Quotes
- Episodes
- Season 1
- Season 2
- Season 3
- Season 4
- Season 5
- 501 A Taylor Runs Through It
- 502 The First Temptation of Tim
- 503 Her Cheatin' Mind
- 504 Jill's Surprise Party
- 505 Advise and Repent
- 506 Let Them Eat Cake
- 507 The Look
- 508 Room Without a View
- 509 Chicago Hope
- 510 Doctor in the House
- 511 That's My Momma
- 512 'Twas the Flight Before Christmas
- 513 Oh, Brother
- 514 High School Confidential
- 515 Tanks for the Memories
- 516 The Vasectomy One
- 517 Fear of Flying
- 518 When Harry Kept Delores
- 519 Eye on Tim
- 520 The Bud Bowl
- 521 Engine and a Haircut, Two Fights
- 522 The Longest Day
- 523 Mr. Wilson's Opus
- 524 Shopping Around
- 525 Alarmed by Burglars
- 526 Games, Flames and Automobiles
- Season 6
- Season 7
- Season 8
Home Improvement
Tim Allen stars as Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, host of a local tool show, who is always looking to add "more power", whether he's at work, in his garage, or raising his three boys with his wife Jill.
Starring:
Tim Allen, Patricia Richardson, Earl Hindman, Zachery Ty Bryan, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Taran Noah Smith, Richard Karn, Debbe Dunning.
Recurring Actors:
William O'Leary, Blake Clark, Jimmy Labriola, Charles Robinson, Mickey Jones, Gary McGurk, Casey Sander, Shirley Prestia.
Original Run: 1991-1999.
Quote of the Day
Quote from Tim in Don't Tell Momma
Jill: OK, let me get this straight. First, you give me a hard time because I get a little teeny scratch on the door, then you let somebody drop a building on it. Not only do you not tell me about any of this, but you tell other people that it was my fault.
Tim: It could've been your fault.
Jill: What?
Tim: Maybe that scratch weakened the entire structure of this car.
Jill: That is such a crock.
Popular Quotes
Quote from Al in Dead Weight
Al: I was just thinking about my mother, all the great times we used to have. When I was a kid, she used to take us to the park. We'd fly kites, she'd push us on the swing. We'd spend hours on the teeter-totter.
Tim: I used to love the teeter-totter. Up and down. Up and down.
Al: Down?
Tim: Well, they play it differently in different parts of the country.
Quote from Jill in Back in the Saddle Shoes Again
Tim: Well, let me ask you a question. Have you ever wished that you'd married somebody as smart as you?
Jill: You think I'm smarter than you?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Well, that just shows how smart you are.
Tim: You didn't answer the question.
Jill: Do I ever wish that I married somebody else? Why would I wanna marry anybody else? You're funny, you're sexy, creative, you take chances, and you're definitely not afraid to be wrong. I'm perfectly happy being married to a man who thinks that PBS is something that women get once a month.
Tim: What I said was, "Once a month is enough for PBS." And way too much for the other thing.
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote Collections
Trending Quotes
Quote from Tim in Maybe, Baby
Jill: So you're just shutting the door... on the whole idea of having a baby?
Tim: I'm shutting the door.
Jill: That's your last word?
Tim: I've shut the door, put a chest in front of it, and there's a fat guy sitting on it.
Jill: What?
Tim: And he's holding Al's mom in his lap.
Quote from Tim in Bye Bye Birdie
Jill: What are you doing to Mark's toy helicopter?
Tim: Mark, what have we added?
Mark: More power.
Tim: [grunts] Now it's a heat-seekin', beak-tweakin', shark-faced pecker wrecker. [grunts]
Jill: What about the wooden owl you put up there to scare it away? [Mark turns the badly-pecked owl around] That little woodpecker did that?
Tim: That little woodpecker, as you call it, has a pretty bad attitude.
Quote from Tim in Birds of a Feather Flock to Taylor
Tim: It must've been a great day, watching that first T-Bird roll off that line.
Eddie: Oh, great day. But they were all good days back then. You know, we used to knock out about 100 cars a day. And after work, Hick and me, we'd go down and have a stinky.
Tim: Stinky?
Eddie: Yeah, it's a sandwich.
Hick: My own invention - Limburger cheese, sauerkraut, big slice of Bermuda onion, and some hot mustard.
Eddie: Whoo-hoo.
Tim: Why don't you just lick a skunk?
Eddie: And, Tim, they still make a great stinky at... [to camera] down at Big Mike's Tavern at fourth and Jefferson! Hey, that ought to take care of our tab.
Hick: Yeah, right.
Tim: Big Mike's Tavern. Boy, that sounds like a man's bar there.
Hick: You know it, junior. Pool tables, dark wood, American beer.
Eddie: We go there all the time, fourth and Jefferson!