Tim: Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You found something in the alley. You didn't bother to find out the owner of it, and you gave it to your girlfriend?
Brad: Yeah?
Tim: Been there.
Tim: You gotta tell the truth.
Brad: The truth?
Tim: Yeah, tell the truth. Everything else is a waste of time. Women will see right through you. They'll make you pay.
Brad: How do you know, Dad?
Tim: 'Cause I've paid. Oh, God, have I paid.

Tim: Now clean the drain plug out before put it in... and don't over-tighten it. Change your oil every 3,000 miles, your engine will last practically forever. All right, Al, let's get cleaned up.
Al: Now, when we're cleaning up, you wanna treat your tools like a member of your family.
Tim: That's right. Al even invites his tools over for Thanksgiving. Even his hammer-in-law.
Al: My point is, when you have a greasy tool, it's best to clean it up with Binford's Super Solvent. I might also add that this same solvent can clean engine parts when soaked overnight.
Tim: Overnight? What happens if you have that 2am hankering to rebuild your motor?
Al: Then you would wanna call 1-800-CUCKOO.
Tim: Al has that number on his speed dialer. The point I'm trying to make is, to get the real gunk off engine parts, I've come up with a new concoction. You dip it in this stuff, boy... Whew. Stand back. Whew! Boy. Dip those engine parts in there, they'll be so clean you can see yourself in 'em. In Al's case, that's not a real good idea, though. Dirty piston? A thing of the past in Tim Taylor's super-duper solvent. It's high-energy. [hissing]
Al: That's 1-800-C-U-C-K-O-O.

Tim: Before we sign off, I'd like to tell you a little bit about some upcoming shows. Former president Jimmy Carter's favorite organization, Habitat for Humanity, will be here in Detroit, and Al and I will be helping 'em build.
Al: That's right. Habitat works with needy families and volunteers who get together and build affordable homes. They offer a hand up, not a handout.
Tim: Very well said, Al. For this special Habitat project, in association with the NFL, we'll be providing some celebrity volunteers - some of the Detroit Lions, from the Denver Broncos, John Elway, and the heavyweight champion of the world, Evander Holyfield - working with me, and alongside us will be common folk like Al and his friends.
Al: Tim and I will both be in charge of building a house, and we're going to do this in only three days.
Tim: [scoffs] Three days. I'll build my house in one day. That's including lunch, a nap and two hours in a Porta-potty.
Al: It's not a competition, Tim.
Tim: Really? I bet you can't even get near a Porta-potty after I've been in there two hours.

Brad: Hey, Randy... check this out.
Randy: Looks like real gold.
Brad: Yeah. I found it in the alley. Ashley's birthday's on Friday. I was gonna get her a new bike reflector, but I think this is even better.
Randy: You think?

Tim: Well, I read somewhere that husbands and wives shouldn't work together.
Jill: Where did you read that?
Tim: "Husbands and Wives Shouldn't Work Together Illustrated". We get it down at work.
Jill: Hmm... I wonder what they'd say about that in that magazine that I get - Married To An Idiot Monthly.
Tim: Jill, under normal circumstances I'd love to have you with me, but this is construction.
Jill: You just don't want a woman on your team, is that it?
Tim: No. This is lifting, loading, shoveling... For that, you need testosterone-pumping, muscle-churning, bone-crushing male power. [grunts] [Jill slaps Tim's arm] Ow.

Tim: Hi. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor here. You all know my assistant Al Borland. We're here on location at a Habitat for Humanity job site. Now, Al's team and my team will be building a house similar to this one that's already been started.
Al: That's right, Tim, although one of us has stacked the deck.
Tim: I don't know what you're talking about, Al. Let's go down to the vacant lot and meet the teams, starting with the winning one - mine. All right, let's meet Team Taylor, shall we? John Elway from the Denver Broncos. Mile High guy, huh? Good-looking man, too. Sean Jones from the Houston Oilers. Ano... Another Mile High guy. Looks good in cotton, doesn't he? All right. Bill Pickel from the... Boy.
Bill Pickel: Little help, Tool Man?
Tim: New York Jets. All right. OK. And then Ken O'Brien from...
Ken O'Brien: Whoever will take me, Tim.
Tim: Philadelphia Eagles, of course. Now, we also have Evander Holyfield and Kelvin Pritchett from the Lions due here, but they're not here yet.
Sean Jones: Well, I've been waiting since 7:00 in the rain. Where are those guys?
Tim: Why don't you tell Holyfield you're unhappy?
Sean Jones: Well, maybe I will.
Tim: This could be interesting, huh? You guys ready to get some serious building done? [Tim leads the guys in a grunt]

Tim: John, what are you doing?
John Elway: Having a little breakfast while we look at the plan.
Tim: Do I know you?
Eric Hipple: Eric Hipple.
Tim: Eric Hipple. Quarterback for the Lions. Yeah. Didn't recognize you. You're not flat on your back. All right, guys, let's get to work.
Ken O'Brien: You're The Tool Man. What do you want us to do first?
Tim: Well, we're gonna build the walls and then put 'em all up together, same time.
Bill Pickel: It says here we should put these walls up as we build 'em.
Eric Hipple: Yeah. That way we know if it fits.
John Elway: Eric's right, Tim. I think we should stick to the plans.
Tim: John, you're a quarterback. You know, you don't always stick with the plans, okay?
John Elway: Yeah, but we're not playing football, we're building a house.
Tim: All right, I'm gonna say this once. You guys know how to tackle, I know how to spackle, all right? Come on, get to work.

Tim: Hey, Holyfield. Evander, give me the doughnut.
Evander Holyfield: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: Kelvin, where you been?
Kelvin Pritchett: Tim, you gave me wrong directions. You should have checked them twice. Right, Evander?
Evander Holyfield: Hey, you gave me the wrong directions, too.
Tim: Did I?
Evander Holyfield: Let's do the wall.
Tim: Wait a minute. Do I jump in the ring and tell you how to box? [Evander Holyfield squares up against Tim] Not like I would. Why don't we build that house? Nice-looking shirt.

Brad: Hey, Randy, great news. Ashley loved the locket. She's crazy about me.
Randy: All right.
Brad: You know, this girl thing is pretty easy. Just gotta keep finding jewelry in the street.

Jill: You know, Tim, you were absolutely right. Couples shouldn't work together. If I were on your team, I'd be way behind, too.
Tim: We're not way behind. We're pacing ourselves. And why do you turn everything into a competition?
Jill: I don't know. I just can't help it. I guess it's just my estrogen-pumping, bone-crunching feminine side.