Tim: Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You found something in the alley. You didn't bother to find out the owner of it, and you gave it to your girlfriend?
Brad: Yeah?
Tim: Been there.
Tim: You gotta tell the truth.
Brad: The truth?
Tim: Yeah, tell the truth. Everything else is a waste of time. Women will see right through you. They'll make you pay.
Brad: How do you know, Dad?
Tim: 'Cause I've paid. Oh, God, have I paid.

Tim: Now clean the drain plug out before put it in... and don't over-tighten it. Change your oil every 3,000 miles, your engine will last practically forever. All right, Al, let's get cleaned up.
Al: Now, when we're cleaning up, you wanna treat your tools like a member of your family.
Tim: That's right. Al even invites his tools over for Thanksgiving. Even his hammer-in-law.
Al: My point is, when you have a greasy tool, it's best to clean it up with Binford's Super Solvent. I might also add that this same solvent can clean engine parts when soaked overnight.
Tim: Overnight? What happens if you have that 2am hankering to rebuild your motor?
Al: Then you would wanna call 1-800-CUCKOO.
Tim: Al has that number on his speed dialer. The point I'm trying to make is, to get the real gunk off engine parts, I've come up with a new concoction. You dip it in this stuff, boy... Whew. Stand back. Whew! Boy. Dip those engine parts in there, they'll be so clean you can see yourself in 'em. In Al's case, that's not a real good idea, though. Dirty piston? A thing of the past in Tim Taylor's super-duper solvent. It's high-energy. [hissing]
Al: That's 1-800-C-U-C-K-O-O.

Tim: Before we sign off, I'd like to tell you a little bit about some upcoming shows. Former president Jimmy Carter's favorite organization, Habitat for Humanity, will be here in Detroit, and Al and I will be helping 'em build.
Al: That's right. Habitat works with needy families and volunteers who get together and build affordable homes. They offer a hand up, not a handout.
Tim: Very well said, Al. For this special Habitat project, in association with the NFL, we'll be providing some celebrity volunteers - some of the Detroit Lions, from the Denver Broncos, John Elway, and the heavyweight champion of the world, Evander Holyfield - working with me, and alongside us will be common folk like Al and his friends.
Al: Tim and I will both be in charge of building a house, and we're going to do this in only three days.
Tim: [scoffs] Three days. I'll build my house in one day. That's including lunch, a nap and two hours in a Porta-potty.
Al: It's not a competition, Tim.
Tim: Really? I bet you can't even get near a Porta-potty after I've been in there two hours.