Brad: Hey, Randy, check it out. I found Mom's stash of cookies. Turn on the game.
Randy: I will. I will. After... I smoke my cigar.
Brad: Whoa, cool. Where did you get that?
Randy: Dad's sock drawer. He's got a whole box.
Brad: That's why his socks smell so bad.
Randy: No. I think that's why this cigar smells so bad.

Mark: Dad, the game was great.
Tim: You bet it was. Courtside, front row, you and me. That's the way to see B-ball.
Mark: Yeah. Do you think that referee's still mad at you?
Tim: He knows I was just stretching my legs. I wasn't trying to trip him.

Tim: Actually, we went to the ballet and the basketball... We just left the ballet a little early.
Jill: So how long did you stay? Five minutes?
Tim: Oh, come on. We stayed 30 minutes.
Jill: Tim, I have been trying to expose the boys to something other than sports, tools and cars. I mean, Brad has zero interest. Randy's light is barely flickering. I had a chance with Mark. Why did you have to go and ruin that?
Tim: I didn't ruin it. Now listen to me for a minute. Courtside, players' bench, these are very amazing seats. You don't get...
Jill: I don't care! You taught Mark something today! You taught him that basketball is cool and ballet is stupid.
Tim: You're overreacting. I did not tell him any of that. He does not think ballet is stupid. We were only there 30 minutes. Now had he been there for the whole thing, he might have... [Jill walks off] Oh, come on!

Tim: Just follow my lead. Go get your coat. Boys, come on down here! Quick! Hurry up! [sighs] You gotta watch Mark for a little bit. We gotta take Wilson to the emergency room.
Brad: Why?
Randy: What's the matter?
Tim: I gave him one of those cigars that I hid in my sock drawer. He's real sick. Evidently the tobacco was infected or something.
Brad: Infected tobacco?
Tim: Boy, is he feeling bad. He's got this rash up his leg, head to toe. He's itching like crazy. And he's got hair growing out of his knuckles.
Jill: Yeah, he does. I saw it. It's gross. See you later.
Tim: Watch Mark, all right? [they leave]
Brad: You know, I'm sorta starting to itch.
Randy: Yeah, me too. Maybe we better go to the hospital with Mom and Dad before that hair starts to grow. [they open the door]
Tim & Jill: Busted!

Wilson: Basketball and ballet in the same day. You're raising your boys to be Renaissance men.
Tim: Actually, I'm not interested in Renaissance men. I think ballet's stupid.
Wilson: Really? Why do you think it's stupid?
Tim: It's ballet.
Wilson: Uh-huh. What is it that you don't enjoy about it?
Tim: It's ballet.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I think we've established that.

Jill: Tim, you know, you might enjoy this. It's a great story. It's about the power of undying love.
Tim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy meets bird. Boy loses bird. Boy pan fries bird. [sizzle sounds]
Jill: Not exactly. It's about this princess and her friends. They're hanging out at the lake. And this evil sorcerer...
comes along and turns them all into swans. [Tim snores] Well, then the prince, Ziegfried, comes along to hunt the swans - weapons, bows and arrows [Tim "wakes up"] - and the princess says, "Please, I'm not a swan. I'm really just a person. Don't kill me."
Tim: So it's a swan with an identity crisis.

Jill: OK. Let's try another story. Once upon a time there was a beautiful, lovely and talented queen who was married to an evil king, the King Selfish.
Tim: Mmm, I'm gonna like this guy.
Jill: Yeah, you would like this guy. He has a low-rated tool show where most of the work is done by his assistant, the Earl of Al. Anyway, our kind and sensitive and breathtakingly beautiful queen wanted a knight in shining armor to come and take the young princeling to the palace dance festival.
Tim: I hate ballet. I hate it. You go to the ballet, you burp, people are going, "Shh, quiet!" "Hiss! Shhh!"
Jill: Tim, I took those kids to the monster truck rally for you. Do you remember that?
Tim: Uh-huh. Ten to one, no one there went, "Hey, lady! Quiet! You're burping! I can't hear Fordzilla!" All right, all right, all right. I'll take him. I'll tape the game on ye old royal VCR.
Jill: Thank you. You are my favorite knight. And later on, I'll make sure you have your favorite night. [Tim grunts]

Tim: They're handsome. They're virile. They even changed their underwear.
Jill: So, what? You're wearing his? He's wearing yours?
Tim: [high-pitched voice] And his are a little tight.
Jill: But they're so attractive. Oh, you all look great.

Randy: Hey, Dad. Have fun at Swine Lake. [Randy and Brad snort]
Tim: You guys are just jealous because you don't get to dress up and look cool like Mark and I.

Jill: Now listen, I want you guys to have fun. But, Mark, this is a grown-up place and I want you to be on your best behavior. And remember, Tim, this is a grown-up place, and I want you to be on your best behavior.
Tim: We know it's a cultural event. We'll make you real proud.
Jill: All right.
Tim: Hey, lady! You in the beak! [horn blows] Nice jump! Go, swans, go! [Mark joins in] Go, swans, go! Go, swans, go!