Tim: Where are you going?
Jill: I've had enough.
Tim: I thought we were gonna, you know... Come on.
Jill: Are you insane?
Tim: You were drooling all over me when I left.
Jill: Yeah, well, that was a different guy. What happened to the man who was debonair and attractive and oozing charm?
Tim: That's me. I'm him.
Jill: No, you're the guy that burps and oozes something, but it isn't charm.

Tim: Now, what is a sweaty toilet? Is it a toilet that's just overstressed from too many seat-ups? Oh! Oh! Oh!
Al: [over phone] I don't think so, Tim.
Felix: Actually, Tim, this problem occurs when the cold water in the tank cools the porcelain, and the warm, moist air condenses on the sides.
Al: [over phone] Well said, Felix. I'm glad there's somebody there who knows what he's talking about. I'm usually the one that has to step in and tell Tim...
Tim: Talk to you later, Al. [dial tone]

Wilson: Well, Tim, I am attempting to balance an egg, but it's not easy.
Tim: But if it falls, it's overeasy.
Wilson: You are quite the yolkster. Actually, Tim, some people believe that an egg will stand on its end during the vernal equinox.
Tim: The vernal what-nox?
Wilson: The vernal equinox, Tim. It signifies the first day of spring, it's when the sun is directly over the equator and gravitational pull is at its strongest.
Tim: That's probably what's affecting Jill.
Wilson: What'd you do this time, Tim?

Tim: I was laying under the hot rod, and I got to thinking about you.
Jill: Really? Usually you're laying with me and get to thinking about the hot rod.

Jill: Why don't you pop your head in and say hi for a second? I really want you to meet my women friends from work.
Tim: Can't this Saturday.
Jill: Why not?
Tim: I'm busy on Saturday. We're doing that Tool Time till 2:00. And I told the boys I'd rush back here and take them to the demolition derby at four.
Jill: Well, there's two hours in between there.
Tim: Well, then I go upstairs.
Jill: To do what?
Tim: Upstairs stuff.

Tim: OK, Felix. What do we do about a sweaty toilet?
Felix: You can install a tempering valve to mix the hot and cold water before it enters the tank.
Tim: But that would be for professional installation only. For that, hire a licensed plumber like Felix. For the do-it-yourselfer, you can just cement foam liners inside the tank.
Felix: You'll wanna drain the water from the tank first and use an epoxy resin cement, which will take a couple of hours to dry.
Tim: Yeah, but, Felix, when you gotta go, you got to go. That's why I recommend Binford's ultra-fast-drying urethane adhesive.
Felix: I'm not sure you wanna use that kind of glue.
Tim: I know what I'm doing here, OK? Just wait till it's tacky...
Felix: Tim, I'd be careful. That's instant glue you're using.
Tim: It's not like instant instant. [phone rings] Would you get that for me?
Felix: Oh, sure. [answers phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Al.
Tim: What does he want?
Felix: He wants to know if you've got your hands glued to the toilet yet.

Jill: You were incredible at that shower. You were funny and charming and sexy. All the women wanted to be married to you.
Tim: Mmm. [kisses Jill] I wanted to be married to them, too. Maybe we could work out some kind of time-share arrangement.
Jill: You know, sometimes I just forget what an amazing hunk of man you are.
Tim: Ohh. Well, I'd love to stick around and give you a little reminder, but... the boys need me.
Jill: I need you.
Tim: [car horn] Ah! Demolition derby... sexy wife. Demolition derby... ooh, sexy wife. Could you hold that thought till about 10:00 tonight?
Jill: Wait a minute. This thought here? [kisses Tim]
Tim: Mmm, mmm, mmm. That would... that would be the one.
Jill: Hurry back, mister.
Tim: Every time I see two heaps slam into one another tonight, I'll be thinking about us.

Tim: Honey, what a demolition derby. I wish you'd been there. We were so close to the action, you could taste the exhaust.
Jill: I'm glad you're back. Where are the boys?
Tim: They're in their rooms. I'm proud of those little guys. They each had one of those 52-ounce root beers. Randy let out a burp so loud, one of the drivers thought he blew a tire.
Jill: I always knew that that boy was special.

Jill: You were charming the pants off those women today. Why don't you do that with me anymore?
Tim: I was just trying to make a good impression. Come on.
Jill: You know, it really ticks me off that just because we're married, everybody else gets the best part of you, and I just get the rest.
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back the trolley up here a minute. It's not like I get the best o' Jill. That morning breath could take the paint off my hot rod. And how about this little ratty robe? Like that says, "Come and take me, big fella."
Jill: The point is that tonight, I really tried. When was the last time that you put on something like this for me?
Tim: I put that on, I'd be arrested, honey. Come on.
Jill: All I wanted was one night of romance, and you turn it into a big argument.
Tim: So let's not argue. I, for one, am still in the mood. [Jill slams the door] I'm taking a wild shot that you're not.

Tim: I think you're right. I don't really work on charming you like I used to.
Jill: Well, that's true. I don't think you wore coveralls to bed until the fifth anniversary.
Tim: I just don't wanna be one of those priests that drops eggs on his three wives.
Jill: What?