[outtake:]
Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is? [audience is silent] OK, there's a little thing we do here. We yell "Tool Time."

Jill: Boys, aren't you supposed to be doing homework?
Brad: Well, I was until Dad called us down to wrestle.
Jill: Tim...
Tim: Well, you won't wrestle with me anymore, iguana woman. Come on.
Jill: Hey, just put the groceries away, ape man. [Tim grunts]

Tim: Bite-size pretzels... bite-size quiche. Darling. Bite-size pizza. Who's coming over, the Bite-size family?
Jill: I told you, I'm giving a baby shower for Linda from work.
Tim: Linda. Her husband's the crook?
Jill: He's not a crook. He's a cook. We went to his restaurant.
Tim: That's right. I paid the bill. He's a crook.

Jill: Hi, sweetie. When did you get home?
Tim: I'm not home. I'm not home.
Nora: Jill, is that your husband?
Tim: Tell 'em I'm your Latin lover Miguel, and I don't speak English.
Jill: Yes, it is my husband. Come and say hi.
Tim: Hola!
Jill: Come and say hi and don't act stupid.

Tim: Hi, everybody. Welcome to our house. Um... Shower power!
Nora: So, I finally get to meet "The Tool Man."
Tim: Yeah.
Nora: You know, I watch your show all the time.
Tim: Really?
Nora: Yeah.
Tim: Who are you?
Nora: Nora. I loved the one on squeaky floors.
Tim: "A squeak, a creak or a... Ohhh!" A lot of people liked that show.
Jill: Yeah. Two letters have already poured in.

Eve: Jill, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I think Tim is even more handsome in person than he is on television.
Tim: Well... Excuse me. I don't mind. You are...?
Eve: Eve.
Tim: Eve. Can I get you a cold drink, some dip or a condominium?

Eve: What a doll.
Nora: Jill, you are so lucky. That is exactly the kind of man I've been looking for.
Linda: He is fabulous.
Jill: He is fabulous. Who was that?

Tim: I've put all your gifts in the trunk. Where'd you get that cute little bib with the trough in it? It'd be perfect for ball games. "That last beer was a little too much for me." Oh, I'm gonna take the boys on an educational trip.
Linda: Museum? Library?
Tim: Actually, demolition derby. Vroom-bam!
Linda: He is so funny. You must laugh all the time.
Jill: All the time.

Tim: Sometimes in a marriage, you can get too comfortable.
Jill: Well, we're both getting lazy. I guess after 15 years and three kids, it's kinda natural.
Tim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't wanna get so lazy that we stop trying.
Jill: Me neither.
Tim: Do you remember when I asked you to marry me? I was so nervous, my hands were as sweaty as toilets.
Jill: Why were you nervous?
Tim: I was afraid you'd say no and I'd have to spend the rest of my life without you. I knew I couldn't return that ring.
Jill: [laughs] You still make me laugh.
Tim: That's good. It's the best 15 years I've ever had.

Tim: Bond. James Bond.
Jill: I wish that I had a beautiful gown on underneath my robe.
Tim: What do you have on under there?
Jill: Nothing.
Tim: Ohh-ho. That's better than any gown.